|Blogs > rm_jacexprime2 > It's like a bag of Skittles!|
As Autumn Approaches....
As Autumn Approaches....
The skies are a dull gray, and you can't see very far towards the horizon; fog covers the outer edges of everything today, like salt on a margarita glass. That wouldn't be so bad an image, but the sun isn't visible, the rain is steady, and the feel of the day is dark and oppressive. It doesn't help that it's Wednesday, but tomorrow night I look forward to.
The leaves are falling all over, but haven't changed color much; the rain hasn't been hard enough to do that, I think.
Something about the way fall has approached so quickly, and how summer blew by so fast, and yet so long, makes me feel a certain amount of dread. Something in the air. Something in my mind is telling me this is going to be a bad season, despite the fact that fall is one of my favorites. I love the colors, the crispness in the air. Winter, on the other hand, is horrid. I hate having to drive in the snow, mostly because I had a terrifying experience once that now sets me on edge every time I venture forth in my car on snow covered roads. A 1990 Volkswagen Golf doesn't invoke a feeling of trust, despite the fact that I've never been in an accident.
This feeling I'm getting isn't good. Life isn't quite what it should be, and I desperately need a change. Morgantown, West Virginia, is my home, but it feels like a cage. I've always described it as a black hole...once you've lived here, you inevitably fall back into it, because it's safe and familiar, and inescapable.
I've got this deep down feeling that something bad is going to happen. The past four years haven't been kind. My mother passed away in February of 2001, due to a liver hemorrhage, caused by Cirrhosis, but the root cause was alcoholism. It was told to me that she could drink a fifth of Jack Daniel's every day. But that's another post, waiting to happen. My mother was the youngest of seven (7) children my grandparents had. Her death hit them hard, but we all knew it was coming. That doesn't make it any easier, though. One year ago this last spring, in 2004, my Grandfather died. Partly due to a mis-diagnosis, and subsequently not being properly treated over the course of a few months, and partly from the fact that he was 85 years old. He and my grandmother had been married for 61 years. You can already guess what I am going to say next.
His death caused her to whither away to nothing, and she died just a little over a month and a half or so later.
The result of their deaths was that family members who live out of state no longer have a reason to come visit, and half of those that lived here have left, mostly my cousins, who are all around my age. My grandparents were like the glue that kept everything together, and now that it's gone, everything is being carried away by the wind.
I became a father the day after my birthday in January of 2004, with a woman whom I now regret having dated. I can't regret having my son, though, because he's the one thing that keeps me going at this point. However, I will say that the first six months of his life were very difficult. Now, he's a joy to have around, and even though his mother and I no longer live together (as of this summer) due to conflicting personality types and various other reasons which I won't go into, I have him here with me at least 5 days a week, during the mid mornings to about three or four in the afternoon. He's not a burden, but he is a cause of worry and concern. The worry and concern are in regards to our future. I need to get out of this godforsaken town, and improve my lot in life, for the both of us. I don't want to leave him, though. I would take him with me if I could, but I know that SHE wouldn't be able to bear that. I need to go where the job market is good, and get some schooling in the field that interests me the most...computers. I need to do this, because it will mean I can easily make twice as much as I ever have before, and be able to work so that we both can LIVE, rather than work just so we can merely EXIST. I'm tired of simply working just so that I can live long enough to go to work the next day. There's not much point in that. I want to work so that we both can have what we need, and what we want, and be happy. Not just work so that I can only JUST cover bills, and buy food and gas. I want him, and I, to have better than that.
He's an adorable little boy, 19 months old now, and into everything and anything, and trying to talk up a storm. Playing with him is the highlight of my day.
I don't know if it's the weather that is doing it to me. A lot of things are on my mind. Weather, the hurricane in New Orleans, rising gas prices, life in general...I think it's all just creating this feeling that something is going to happen, and no one is going to be happy with the results, either personally, or in the country as a whole. I can't shake it, and to be honest, it's pissing me off.
Quite a depressing little post, isn't it? Don't ask me why, but I felt the need to write it. The words start forming in my head, and won't go away untill I get them out, and with no one to talk to who will really listen, this is my only outlet. I'll probably feel better this evening, or tomorrow, or a week from today. It's just that when this kind of mood hits, I have to get it out.
8/31/2005 11:56 am
jacexprime: so open and honest. There is a journalistic quality describing life candidly and in the raw. Emotion comes from the page. Life flows on through clear waters and murky, pools and rapids, but it flows, and the cup never empties because you can dip in and fill.|
8/31/2005 9:11 pm
For some reason, when this post was forming in my head, it came out sounding rather narative-like, like the begining of a story, which is weird. Despite my mood at the time, I enjoyed writing it. I really do appreciate your words. If nothing else, I am honest in all of my blogs, because I believe that a journal or blog is meant to record your life as it happened, and as you felt it. To do otherwise is to alter the memory of it. *shrug* Perhaps I am a purist in that way.