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Top Things Porn does WRONG!
Top Things Porn does WRONG!
This is a list, feel free to comment, about those things I despise in porn movies. If any of these things were to happen during sex, I'd physically harm the person that did them!
1. Spiting on someone's ass/pussy/dick. Just don't do it, it's gross and believe me nobody gets off on getting spit on. If you need lube, keep the KY handy. I'm sure porn productions can get a bulk discount.
2. Pulling a "gaping hole" picture. Really, we know guys are sensitive about the size of their cocks, but nobody really wants to see up a pornstar's ass or coochie. Except maybe their OB/GYN or ass doc. I'm neither, I don't want to see it.
3. Slapping an ass. Um, unless it's a bondage/control pic do NOT dare to slap my ass like I'm bent over a desk and misbehaved. I don't need to see your handprint on Suzie Slutstar's ass.
4. Get those chicks some antibiotics! Nobody, and I do mean NOBODY, wants to see those women's tongues with yeast infections on them. Ya'll need some serious improvment in your oral and vaginal hygine. If you washed properly, and saw your doctor regularly, you wouldn't be sproutin' nasty white crap to the point it grows on your tongue. That's a sure lesbian scene killer right there.
5. Blowjobs! If you aren't gonna do 'em right (so the guy enjoys it) don't do 'em. Do NOT look at the camera and barely touch the tip with your tongue. That does NOT amount to a blowjob. Apparently ya'll need to get some more schooling on how TO provide one.
Do NOT chew on his ballsack. You can lick it, you can suck it but do NOT bite it or try to tug it off. That just looks gross, and painful as hell. Pretend you tongue is attached to your body and use it to suck the bottom side.
The head is NOT the only part of a cock, stop acting like it is. A blowjob should be deep and shallow, hard and gentle, fast and slow - not slobber ridden.
6. Cum shots. Unless you're making a "bukaki" movie, I don't need to see fake sperm being shot all over the room. Seeing you jerk-off to cum just proves you're using a fake sperk packet and needed to break it to "spray". Porn audiences really aren't THAT dumb.
7. Double dipping. This is where the guy goes from anal to vaginal without cleaning. That's gonna cause an infection, unless pornstars don't have the PH balance that normal humans have. It's okay to show cleanliness, really!
8. Chewin'. Be it on tits, pussy lips, clits or dicks, it ain't cool. You need a chew toy? Go get some damn Wrigley's or go to Petco or some such other place, not down on your partner.
9. Uninterested chicks. Women lyin' there less enthusiastic than a blow-up doll do nothing for a porn viewer. At times it looks like they're filming a newly dead body, she moves so little.
10. Pimples in your shave zone. If you're gonna shave it, do it properly or pay to have it done properly. I don't want to see crater pussy any more!
11. Havin' the woman look at the camera. No thanks, she's not that damn hot. I promise, if I'm watchin' porn it's not for the dumb chick's face. Most likely her tits, ass, or "theme".
12. Fake boobs. One would think with the money you're puttin' into those things you'd get a good doctor. If I can see your scars (under your tits or on your nipple) they did a BAD job or you didn't use the proper moisturizers to help minimize the scaring. Scared up boobs is NOT somethin' I want to see, let alone close up or gettin' the "chew toy" treatment.
Same goes for 32GGG. No woman has tits that far outside their body frame - and no sweetie you DON'T look good with personal flotation devices bigger than your head. We understand you want something other than bug bits but that doesn't mean you need a mole hill or a mountain.
13. Non interaction between 2 chicks with the same guy. If you're in the room, throw her a bone (or a finger) and give her something. Better yet, have them 69 and then have him penetrate - men are visual animals, let 'em have some good damn visuals!
At least make sure the poor fuckless one is gettin' some tit action, if not fingering her pussy action.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing. - Mae West