The Real Me  

rm_house_of_yes 39F
6/28/2006 9:28 am
The Real Me

When people approach me about wanting to go out I immediately think about all the things that would freak them out about me. I'm kinky, neurotic, an intellectual, super fucking intense, emotional, probably the most directly honest person you'll ever meet, and I talk about sex all the time. This is usually enough to spook most men and women from wanting to hang out with me.

Still there are those few that claim to be brave souls that still want to hang out. Even though, I question myself. It isn't so much a self-esteem thing. I know what I'm good at and I know my weak points. It's more about that people don't take me at my word.

I wrote about this earlier on in a another post. But I wonder if somehow people think I don't mean what I say. I try to cut them some slack and just assume that they are used to other people saying such things and not really meaning it. However, I do. I am as smart, serious, goofy, and sexual as I say. For some people, it is just too much to take.

I get that. I know my personality is a catalyst. I'm a therapist for fucks sake. I understand that I push people and that if you aren't ready to look at yourself and question yourself.. hanging out with me probably will make you uncomfortable.

And then I think maybe I'm describing myself wrong. I have asked numerous people I have been on dates with, friends, coworkers, random people, you name it... I have asked them if how I describe myself.... matches how they would describe me.

The answer almost every time is "Yes." People describe me as -- intellectual, intense, often talking about sex, full of energy (yeah I don't put that one in there because I'm still working on my own issues), and honest. I tend to throw in stuff about being geeky, loving films, and the enjoyment of rough sex, but maybe... they are perhaps describing me to their parents so it isn't appropriate.

Point is, I actually do think I know myself. I get enough feedback from the outside world that matches what I say so it appears to be in line. So I don't know... *shaking my head here* maybe ... maybe... no I don't know.

All I can say is... take my word for it. When I explain who I am and what I'm passionate about.... I'm telling you the truth. I can promise you that much!

MoonRise9 58M

6/28/2006 4:51 pm

"But I wonder if somehow people think I don't mean what I say." I have realized over the years than people hear my words within the context of their own experience. Consequently, they often can't REALLY understand what I'm saying, because our life experiences are so different.

If I care about them understanding, I have to pay special attention to the words I choose and the pace at which I throw ideas at them - ie: slow it down.

vrec_dawn 39M

6/28/2006 6:06 pm

I doubt it's that people doubt you so much as they probably just aren't expecting quite that magnitude. He he he he.

TravelinMan161 55M
28 posts
7/1/2006 3:29 pm

I think I understand where you're coming from. In most areas, I'm much the same as you say you are-intellectual, neurotic (have ADD and OCD, though both of them seem to be abating on their own quite a bit in recent years), highly intense, and honest (though I do try to temper what I have to say with a bit of diplomacy and "putting myself in the other person's shoes"-it's work, but believe it our not, it can be done, and yet still be honest!)

As a consequence, I have always had trouble fitting into the "mainstream" of midwestern middle-america. (Some of the most common comments about me seem to be "you scare people", "you're too intense", things along those lines.) Even non-mainstream subcultures (like Science Fiction fandom) I've had trouble with fitting in to. Oddly enough, I did not find "my own level" (as in "water seeks") until I started hanging out with the ethnic communities (mainly Albanian and Latino) I hang with. Seems that those cultures (and many others) are not put off by being gung-ho about stuff (other than sports), actually being able to discuss intellegent things in an intellegent fashion, having little personal quirks (needless to say, I don't discuss any of my sexual quirks with them-that might be just a bit *too* much ), etc.

I guess the only other thing I can add is that though it takes time, and isn't always fun, one can eventually find the person (or group, or both) that one feels they "fit in" with-and strangely enough, it usually happens when one is least expecting it, and certainly not looking for it.

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