Hmm.  

rm_hotmamaNcols 39F
460 posts
5/2/2006 10:17 am

Last Read:
5/28/2006 4:23 pm

Hmm.


Yesterday was an enlightening day. I realized some truths about myself. Especially in the arena of how others perceive me.

I'm concerned. I have never been known to hold back my thoughts and watch my words. Loose tongue I suppose. Some posts I've written are just plain evil. The comments- even worse. The truth usually escapes my lips (in this case- fingers) without thinking. It seems I've given the impression that I'm a person who is allergic to love, and any signs or gestures of it. I can assure you I'm not allergic just picky with whom I receive it from and with whom I give my love.

Sex can be had with anyone, but it takes an immense comfort and connection to even spark the beginnings of a meaningful relationship. I must form friendships first. Even then, I can't seem to get past the crush or infatuation stage. Those men stay good friends and nothing more. In recent relationships, I was a bit robotic. Being good company and loyal, but just not feeling a bond. Eventually, I would yawn in boredom and roll my eyes in contempt wishing I were somewhere else, like the bedroom. Then I wouldn't have to see him pretend to be interested and he'd finally shut up. And with these "casual" men, I showed as much loyalty to them as they did me- NONE. I guess you can say I predetermine the extent of a relationship before the third date. It is what it is, I say. I don't like getting hurt, and if a relationship is perceived to be temporary, I have this ability to completely shut off all emotions to the person. I make no sacrifices in pride, emotions, or time. I don't see things that aren't there, nor am I blind. I categorize those relationships accordingly.

Not every relationship ended in disaster like most of my writing indicates. I can name three men whom I've had long term relationships in which we ended amicably. No hard feelings, no bad blood.

I know I am a very impatient woman with rules and a way of life most men won't conform to. I have to be the ultimate and last word when it comes to decision making in my life and home. Most don't appreciate being fifth, after my children and my work. My lovelies are everything to me, my work is the means in which I can afford the expenses and lifestyle we live. Most become irritated when they have to share me with ones who existed before they stepped into my life. You wouldn't believe how many were jealous of my best friend Stef. I suppose I'm looking for someone who will have me anyway they can get me yet have a meaningful relationship with. I know, fat chance.

I am a different creature when I love. I love wholeheartedly and sometimes foolishly. And because of my inability to hold my tongue, you and everyone else knows about it when I do. My tenacity to work thru issues is a comfort. I agree to disagree. I'm romantic and thoughtful. I'm so different it makes my friends gag.

I am like any other single but packaged person...COMPLEX. I am comfortable being alone but I yearn for the company of someone special. I love my space and hoard it accordingly but find I miss having a partner being around to share it. Although I usually don't cuddle, I long to have someone to hold onto at 4am after a bad dream. Regardless of my desires, I won't settle for just ANYONE whom is willing to assume the role I want filled. So what's a girl to do???

im_your_man77 39M
961 posts
5/2/2006 1:26 pm

We are all complicated individuals (or at least thats what I tell myself), we are also allowed to be picky. Relationships may not be expected to last forever these days to make it a decison that you have to at least try and get it right. The right guy will not care if he doesn't come before you children, children always come first whether they conceived in a previous relationship or the present relationship. Family time always comes before couple time. If the man can't get his head round that fact he is the wrong man. When you have kids outside of a relationship its fully understandable when you have to have the last word on the big decisions. Besides a lot of men aren't good at decision making. However that said there is acase for listening and/or making joint decisions if you come across someone that is good at decision making.
We live in a world where jobs are important, they make us who we are. However there is a case for getting the right life/work balance and I'm guilty of getting that wrong myself but if you enjoy your job and it makes you happy then that should be good for any relationship you in, better that than doing a job and not enjoying it.
As I see it theres no point getting involved in a relationship unless you can put in the investment and for that you have to see a future. But hey at least you aren't as bad as me, I'm as picky with who I have sex with, at least you don't have that as an added frustration.


rm_hotmamaNcols replies on 5/4/2006 4:41 pm:
LOL!!! was that an insult? LOL!!!

rm_stylezking 36M

5/2/2006 4:29 pm

trial and error girl. usually i can immediately tell whether or not me and whoever have a chance at a decent relationship. and depending on your goals, differnt people will fit different goals. someone who is beautiful is great for sex but what else? if the two of you have nothing in common then its never gonna go anywhere. this is gods plan for us all to be miserable , searching for a great lover


rm_hotmamaNcols replies on 5/7/2006 8:07 am:
I'm not miserable, just tired of being and feeling alone. I've decided to stop looking and let it find me.

3d60 47M

5/2/2006 4:55 pm

Like we all do risk put faith and hope in front of reason, for me its been hard work I loved and have been loved in spite of that reason and ultimately the experience has faltered because the original stifled reason shows through ( rolling eyes, robotic moves...!!!! ) I know them all. It's hard work its a full tome preoccupation, anyone who says it isn't hasn't been in live or is in an anodyne sterile relation ship governed by fear of not having a relationship..It should by hard work constantly examining and predicting your loves journey as well as your own whilst maintaining Independence and vibrancy in your own life that is hard work. But it is a beautiful fulfilling task one that increasingly becomes more joyous. So often I see people in acceptance of each other, justified and shored up by each others correct actions and sentence endings, my love was nothing like that in fact the sheer turmoil of not knowing what came next fueled our journeys forward. maybe this is just me maybe I'm destined to have explosive connections all or nothing pacts. they never last ...not i might add due to my lack of work, more because I always try to afford freedom to all my partners and eventually that freedom, intoxicates and releases the latent desires that they have yet to achieve and experience. So tearfully I wave good bye whilst thinking myself lucky for the part of the journey we walked together.

I briefly touched what parenthood could be and see unconditional love within it, I imagine all my fine ideals would be tested in that eventuality, but I feel the same rules apply to your children all at once being part of the creation and owner whilst fighting a line between protection and experience. For them to be whole they have to fly so they can come back.

The truth will out, you see out of the blue will come a touch you will have to trust, one that nurtures caresses your soul and beyond your reason proclaims a simple truth that love does still exist and its welcoming you in. And whats a girl to do, just as you are being open to possibility, let chance, karma find you. all you find in looking and hunting is what you deserve and not what you need....oh hark at him, I sound like such a suck....I know you know this maybe I'm retelling mesen...anyway its blog innit....whatever is said as long as its shared makes sense somewhere. So I'm in my bed lonely ...happy....just....but lonely and in need of all I have spoken of .....so yet again I say to myself soon come soon come all me huggy, snuggly, strong, warm juv me XX


rm_hotmamaNcols replies on 5/7/2006 8:19 am:
Taking risks and abandoning reason is not something I would do. What I do and who I share my life with, has a direct impact on my children. After all, they are still at an impressionable age. God knows I don't want them to see one guy one year and another the next.
As resilient as they seem, they are prone to attachment and cannot go thru another detachment. I believe love exists, but in every form. Even the unhealthy, dark, and dangerous versions. So I date cautiously.

slimcountryboy2 38M
46 posts
5/3/2006 9:13 am

I'm sure you'll find someone, someday soon that will be everything you need and deserve.... There's so much that can be said...

You have your priorities straight, with your children being at the top.
There are alot of men who would be there for you sexually .. but after a bad dream, to be a loving part of ... Dare I say a family... It will be harder to find such a thing, or any semblance of....
But as long as you are honest, I'm sure you will.


rm_hotmamaNcols replies on 5/7/2006 8:26 am:
What I deserve is a half case of scotch!! Sometimes my honesty is a deterant. Foot in my mouth syndrome.

out_for_a_ride 35M

5/4/2006 12:51 am

"it is what it is" is the one consistent saying i have, but with that saying is the immense responsibility to understand that "what it is", is what we bring to ourselves. we attract from the world solely what we project into it. it's also exactly what we need (yes, it is true we all deserve something great, but we all need the adversity to discover what's great) as a guiding force to learn from our negative traits and improve upon them. obviously if you feel you've hit some personal epiphanies than you're making use of your turmoil. so what's a girl to do? continue to be you. you have all the answers you need, you already know that what seek is not an easy thing to find. love? no, love is easy. love is always easy. easy to harvest, easy to share....as easy as we let it be. sharing life...now that's a hard thing to do. i.e. the friend loved most that is just impossible to live with. and that's still only sharing a living space, not building a life/family together. plus you've already got kids, so it goes without saying that he's gonna want (not just be okay with, but want) to share in that and build around it....but it's all out there for you. I swear it. and for the record, are you a leo or scorpio. my guess is leo, but i'd certainly put my money on one of the two over the other ten. if so (and obviously all astrological signs carry their own great qualities) you are a high commodity spiritually and thus as a lover.


rm_hotmamaNcols replies on 5/7/2006 9:00 am:
No, I'm a pisces. You are right. Love? Easy. The prospects of sharing "life" with someone? Scary. But I suppose if he were the right guy I wouldn't be opposed.

im_your_man77 39M
961 posts
5/5/2006 8:11 am

No it was not. lol
Believe me you'll know when I insult you. Don't know if I want to see that day, that could be a long day for both of us lol


rm_hotmamaNcols replies on 5/7/2006 8:05 am:
LOL!! A LONG day indeed!!LOL!! My stomach is starting to hurt from laughing so hard!!

jd29992z 54M
3888 posts
5/5/2006 6:28 pm

Yes you are complicated, straight forward, don't put up with bull and all those things that is why I like you! There is not a thing wrong with you, you just go on and speak your mind see that is what the problem is. It is not because YOU speak your mind it is because other people are afraid to. You are not the one that is wrong they are.

Being in love well it will happen. A woman with kids is a great thing but most guys don't like the whole package. Are YOU wrong? Once again it is them.

You have a guy friend that you hang with is that wrong no it is very cool. I know the feeling. I had a very good friend and she and I would just go out and have fun. It was like she was my sister kind of hard to explain She is very attractive and sweet but I could never sleep with her would have messed up a good friendship. Sex is great but with a person like that the friendship would never be the same. Well when I married my now EX she was very jealous of her. Notice WHEN I MARRIED before it was cool after she though all the bad things were happening that simple were not. So I know what you are going through on that one.

Yes it would be nice to have someone there in the middle of the night I feel that one too. Yes like you I too say the wrong things that upset people, but they are really the right things, because I am honest. "I want an honest person!" they all say that but you just once tell the truth and wow you are a jerk. Well what is it, honest or not, make up your darn minds already!!!!

Well sorry I went kind of long there. There will be someone. If there weren't so darn many red X's when I look at your profile I would be all over you and your honesty. There is something about a wild animal that is pure beauty and for some reason people want to tame that wild animal well then it would not be the same now would it. The old "I love you but you just wont change." never could quite understand that statement. Don't change you will not BE you. Well see you around oh one more thing did you ever read the rest of the story I sent to your profile???? Just wondering see you JD


rm_hotmamaNcols replies on 5/7/2006 9:41 am:
Stef is short for Stephanie. Yes, men have been jealous of her. Probably insecure about the way we can finish each other's sentences, with how I expect to go to bingo with her when we are in our 80's.
BTW, I enjoyed it. Chocolate mousse? I'd never thought of that!! I can't believe you quoted me!!

jd29992z 54M
3888 posts
5/7/2006 10:12 am

Well that is cool too along with the kids the best friend is in the package too. I think it is healthy for people in a relation ship to go out with their friends too lets them cut up cut loose and have time for your friends that is important too. It is also a trust thing if I support you going out with your friend and I stay home and not give you a curfew let you come home when ever. If I can't trust you going out with your best friend maybe I need to get out of your life, don't you think???? And the same goes the other way. I am not a guy that has to go out EVERY night with the boys (especially if I have some hot girl at home why would I want to hang out with a bunch of guys hmmmmm kind of gay don't you think?) but a few times a month is cool.

Glad you liked the story and I thought the quote at the end was a GREAT way to end the story don't you? I never put it on my blog I have been into this what I call a sex opera like a soap opera but well I guess you get the picture. Stop on by and visit me if you like see you stay cool stay your own person and see you JD


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