rm_gorilla062 49M
163 posts
6/19/2006 9:11 am

Last Read:
6/21/2006 7:01 am


Today is a new day, my pain subsiding. Spent Fathers Day in my own little coma.... letting my brain and heart thrash me until I was exhausted. Tried to relax and listen to some music; ended up reliving the last 10 years over again in my mind. Wondering if I could have done it differently,. Wondering if I am the monster she probably knows about. Wondering if I will ever get the chance to show her my love and my side of the story.
The lump in my throat slowly is going away... at least for now.
I still have her birthday in about a month.. less than. I will go into my little coma again then and let the torture ravage my heart and soul. I will find an avenue for my pain and rage to go... I will stay away from people for at lest one day during that time... better for me that way. then I will live again for another year... waiting, hoping, praying for that day... that one glorious day that I will have my chance.
Will it ever come.. will I survive long enough?
How many years must I subject myself to this? When will the light appear at the end of this long dark tunnel?
Time only knows... and time I will stand until I know.

cookiequeen1000 53F

6/19/2006 7:09 pm

Welcome back. I can feel your pain. Give yourself a big hug for me.

Goldenhairgodess 63F
396 posts
6/20/2006 9:47 am

I decided to come back to check on how you are doing. Glad you got through that day. Wondering if you will ever get to tell your side of the story? I think that depends on your will to susvive until that oppurtunity becomes available. My own ex-husband has a great relationship with our daughter. But that was not always the case. He disappeared for 6 years and failed to pay child support. He resurfaced and demanded visitation. At first he was wonderful to her. But gradually his selfish controling nature came out. At the age of 13 she told him she no longer wished to visit. Once she became an adult-he had to be respectful of her self determination. They are now good friends. She and her family are even considering a move from California to Texas where he lives. Not that there is any problem between me and my daughter-but I know that she must live her life and I will not guilt her into staying here.

rm_gorilla062 replies on 6/21/2006 5:29 am:
Thanks I responded to you directly... hope to see you here again in blogland soon!

rm_barenaked869 46F

6/20/2006 10:07 pm

Hi hun,
The emptiness is the worse feeling. She will not want that for you. No matter what she has been told about you, she will be mature enough one day to find you & get her own answers. Yes ur doing great with the cards/gifts, but if she knows you suffered this much it will make her feel at fault.
Try something different... On July 13th, buy a cake/candles & get a picture that you have of her. I will volanteer to spend that day with you & we will celebrate it with pictures & all. Put those photos with the toys,letters,& gifts. When you both reunite & she see's all the love and care you put into that special day, she will know how much you loved her & anything bad that was told to her will not matter. Children only know what other adults teach them. Once she grows up, she will be mature & the time apart won't be a factor, because like you she will only want to consitrate on the future.

rm_gorilla062 replies on 6/21/2006 5:32 am:
Thank you for volunteering! It is important to me that friends care and want to help. Hard part is that I really like to take these days alone... as I said it is my couple of days that I am just in a coma with my feelings. It is how I have learned to cope with this part of my life and it works for me. Will always take the hugs tho!

bustybettyboop 50F  
59325 posts
6/21/2006 6:29 am

awww! hang in there! and if u ever need a friend..i'm a good listener. and i'm told i give great hugs!

..just join me on my blog bustybettyboop and still looking for some hot,sexy,creative contestants for my next contest...come join us! need a blog mentor or want to be one?

rm_gorilla062 replies on 6/21/2006 7:02 am:
thanks doll!!

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