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Count down to pain....
Count down to pain....
less than 48 hours... the countdown to the pain of Fathers Day has commenced.
My heart and brain wil be swimming in a turbulent sea of emotion almost out of control.... my head will ache with the random thoughts I cannot seem to control. The fears and tears of 10 years of my own inner hell release on that day. My body will feel like I have been hit by a truck... the lack of sleep in the weeks leading to this day and the day of her birth effect me more than if I ran a marathon. Monday will be a its own hell to recuperate maybe longer than that.
The other physical pains I have will be forgotten; banished to another hole in my brain only to come back when the other pain subsides.
My psyche will run a violent path of destruction in my head and heart until I drop from exhaustion.
Year after year I go thru this.... I ask myself why at times. I must do this.. it is my release. I spend all year holding it in. hiding the pain and sorrow I feel. Smiling to people and telling them I am well.
I am not well I have an emptinessinside of me that only one can fill. No friend, no acquaintance, no lover no shrink can ease that... no matter what they say it will never go away.
Not that I do not appreciate the kind words, the hugs and kisses, the pep talks and emails.. contrary I love them and welcome them! I am blessed by all of those around me that comment to me, chat with me, console me... I love you all for it.
Everyone has an inner fear,pain, memory,skeleton; that torments them from time to time... and no one can help you... you can only let it take its course (Kell.. I am sure you know what I am talking about)
Cookie, Beth, MZhun, KandT, BJ all of you are wonderful... I appreciate you all... I just need my inner war for 2 days a year... so that I can continue to fight for myself...and pray for the day that I can have her in my heart again.... and my arms.
After this weekend I will be ok.... at least for a couple weeks then my other hell time starts again... July 13... her bday....the day I curl into a ball and let my head and heart tear themselves apart again.
I will then spend another year healing, being the regular guy that everyone knows, being a thoughtful friend, a caring soul, and a attentive lover to those that want me.
the next year will be spent trying to keep a form of happiness .... rebuuilding the cage around my pain! Until the next countdown begins!
6/16/2006 2:06 pm
I will not claim that I can understand the depth of your pain. And you have every right to feel what you feel. And the fact that you can express it here shows that you know of your need to release that pain in some way. I wish you the maximum of releif that you can produce for your self, and that healing of your heart will continue to progress.|
6/17/2006 4:35 pm
Big hugs darlin'. I've been in your daughter's place. Guess that's why I'm so confident on what will happen when she's older. Don't deny your pain, swim in it til your fingers get all prune-y. The love you feel for your daughter is clear.|
Happy Father's Day to you.