Filling in the gaps.  

rm_gerson42 52M
1752 posts
4/30/2006 6:28 pm

Last Read:
6/29/2006 3:24 pm

Filling in the gaps.

Just over a year ago, I was at home sick. Third time in a few months. God, I was so tired. Just wanted to lay there and not move. I don't get sick! I pop out of bed at 5 or 6 in the morning and run to my office to start the chaos that I need and crave.

The day after being sick this third time, I went to the Dr. next door. My Dr. friend was not in, but his assistant saw me. She asked me a few questions, pushed on my abdomen and sent me home with some antibiotics. The next day, the Dr. was in my office and I described to him the previous days visit. He asked me a few more questions, looked me long and hard in the eyes and asked me to come over for additional evaluation. When he was finished he stated to me "you are suffering from severe depression".

I was floored. That simply could not be. Just did not match up to my vision of me. Never had a depressed day in my life. Regardless, I took his sample supply of prescribed medication and soldiered on.

A few days later, reading an autobiography by Ayn Rand, she described a period of her life when she suffered symptoms similar to mine. Years later, she was diagnosed with Lymes Disease. Earlier that week, I had pulled a tick off me. Bingo! I called my Dr. friend at home to announce to him that I had Lymes Disease, being a good friend, he was none to gentle in denouncing my proclamation. WTF, now how do I deal with this?

My solution was to utilize all the developed skills I had at my disposal. I drank. Hadn't had a drop of liquor in almost 20 years, yet that was my solution. Why? Because I lacked the skills necessary to deal with my problems!

So there I was, 40 years old. Pillar of the community. Had my own business, built my dream house, 4 absolutely gorgeous children, School Board President and I lacked the skills necessary to deal with my problems!

The next month or two were spent in self-pity and drinking. My wife asked me to leave and I sold my business. I need to change. I stop drinking, pull up my bootstraps and start asking questions and asking for help. I go to a therapist. I meditate. I read. I go to the gym. I start to figure stuff out and look at myself. Not the self in the mirror but the real me. Someone that I have never understood nor taken the time to try.

My life had been smoke and mirrors, an illusion. Created by me, to make me look good on the outside. That is how I made myself feel good on the inside.

My new mantra. To know and understand myself. To stay in the here and now. To ask and seek help if I need it. To keep my ego in check as it never serves me well. To be as honest and truthful in all that I do, both to you and to myself.


4/30/2006 8:38 pm

So the mask comes off and there it begins. Freer already! Hugs and kisses and wishing only the best for you! {=}

just a squirrel trying to get a nut

rm_gerson42 replies on 4/30/2006 10:35 pm:
I love that you are there, right under my post. Enough said.

TheRealThing655 48F
9558 posts
5/1/2006 12:27 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. Yes depression is bad (I too suffer from it) but medication helps. Sometimes things happen in our lives that we just can't explain...your changes have caused you to really take a look at yourself and what you want and need. Lots of people call this a mid-life crisis (I am the same age as you) but I prefer to call it an finally become the people we need to be and be true to ourselves. The one benefit of aging I always say.

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/1/2006 3:30 pm:
Fortunately, the depression was shortlived. I wasn't going to call it a mid-life crisis but screwed that up too when I traded my truck in for a little white convertible.

Seriously_Real 48M

5/1/2006 3:00 pm

Telling a story like this is a brave and important thing to do. It took me 36.5 years to get as fucked up as a man can get, and it took starting over, where it all began, with myself, to START to get it right.

You're going to be fine. Not necessarily happy all the time, but fine. You know why? Because now you know. And knowing can't be un-known once you know it.

It's a good thing.

Glad to call you a friend.


rm_gerson42 replies on 5/1/2006 3:32 pm:
As usual, this is your fault. You and your posts making one look at their stuff. Got It, Your Fault!

aascrompn 42M
6444 posts
5/2/2006 1:31 pm

Wow, man! That's some heavy shit! I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. I, too, dealt w/ many of my problems through drinking. I got tired of being tired and hit the gym again. Drive on soldier!

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/2/2006 1:36 pm:
Yeah, kinda heavy. It was definately interesting to put the last year and half to paper. With the relative safety of blogville and the people in it and all... there it is. Its my story and I'm stickin too it.

NSAAddict 42F

6/9/2006 11:41 pm

In order to know where we are going we must know where we have come from. Seems like you have that down and are ready to move on. God speed

rm_gerson42 52M
2419 posts
6/10/2006 12:49 pm

The snippet above was over a year. I have been reviewing this time here on the Blogs and feel that it has almost been an extension of that time. Thanks for takin the time to get to know me.

NSAAddict 42F

6/13/2006 7:05 pm

It's been a pleasure

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