A.F.F. Consumer's Guide to Girlfriends  

rm_gerson42 52M
1752 posts
5/20/2006 1:58 am

Last Read:
7/24/2006 3:25 pm

A.F.F. Consumer's Guide to Girlfriends

Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at A.F.F. Blogville decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned whoopee?

Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, A.F.F. Blogville does not reccommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
--- -------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age Used or New
-- -------- --- -----------
1-12 years see note A
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New see note B
60+ see note A
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but A.F.F. Blogville advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

-- ----- -----------
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability to run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride
-- ----- -------------
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull "Can I buy you a drink?" to the aggressively hip "dance with me or I'll kill you" I think Wells has used this one the arcane "You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!". A.F.F. Blogville rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
---- -----------------------
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and A.F.F. Blogville questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

--- -----------
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at A.F.F. Blogville's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

- -------
Girlfriends are grouped together in catagories by similarity. Within each catagory, variation is not statistically significant.

Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of raquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hangups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alchololic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

The Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.

The Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availibility is poor to fair, depending on quality.

The Ford Escort of girlfriends: Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at A.F.F. Blogville wish you Happy Hunting!

gerson42 - but My friends can call me ger

Ubermik 49M
209 posts
5/20/2006 5:07 am


Hysterical but scarily true too

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:25 pm:
God, I guess I'm still new. What is Pmsl?
Someone needs to post a guide to blog acronyms.

Darkpassion 57F

5/20/2006 5:18 am

Ger, sweetie, loved this! There are a few of us Goddesses left.We are only available to very deserving men. You just have to look a bit harder. lol

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:26 pm:
I love the way you say, Ger sweetie.
So... this model is available?

nottycara 36F

5/20/2006 6:33 am


I am the Ms. Right + The Babe breed

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:28 pm:
That sounds like a great combination. Yes, car models can be combined to create a great new product.

wickedeasy 67F  
26866 posts
5/20/2006 6:50 am

a caveat

ignore the odometer and chassis - check the engine - some of the best rides are from the classics

You cannot conceive the many without the one.

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:28 pm:
I completely agree. Break the odometer.

LegsnLaPerlas 58F

5/20/2006 7:47 am

Hilariously analytical!

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:29 pm:
Thanks Legs.

bipolybabe 55F

5/20/2006 8:06 am

Hmmm...I think you need to write next about how one pays for the options selected. Is financing possible? Or only cash upfront?

Also, is there a newandusedgirlfriendshere dot com where dealers compete to sell you their models with all the options you request, maybe just in a different color or 5-speed intstead of automatic? And the price includes delivery to your door?

Because with AdultFriendFinder you are dealing direct with the car, and you know that cars will lie to seduce you. They say, "Hey, baby, buy me and I'll take you everywhere with my top down, never quit on you, and I'll smell like French fries cooking while I do it!"

Maybe we need a matchmaker service. There's money to be made here somewhere. I can feel it.


Check out my blog Bi-Poly-Babe for more sensual, sexual pleasure!

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:31 pm:
The cars are free if you qualify. Terms of qulification are vague.

rm_Ellenback 58F
966 posts
5/20/2006 8:20 am

And where are the fluid levels in your helpful, humorous posting??? Wouldn't that be a 'reverse situation' to the analogy? Any GF who springs a major leak shortly after leaving the lot is definitely a keeper...LOL

This was terrific, though, Gerson! Personally, I'm moving towards Goddess status, still hanging out at Ms. Right for a bit though...



rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:32 pm:
Buyer beware. Purchase at your own risk. No Refunds!

rm_truedom2 56M
663 posts
5/20/2006 8:44 am

What a great and original post!

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:33 pm:
Thanks Truedom,
Great yes, original no. I adapted it from something I found on the net.
See my most recent post for clarification.

TheRealThing655 48F
9558 posts
5/20/2006 9:53 am

I'm Ms. Right....I guess wrong size or hair color depends on the preferences of Mr. Right.

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:33 pm:
Absolutely, the perfect model is different for everyone.

Ubermik 49M
209 posts
5/20/2006 1:00 pm

I think Jeremy Clarkson should have a program where he test drives the new and old models rigourously putting them through their paces and assessing the "pro's" lol, and the pros and cons of the non "pro's"

He could root out things that might not appeal to a searching soon to be owner that might cause problems over time such as

dipping headlights (commonly caused in large headlighted models due to gravity)

Excessive storage room (theres nothing more dissapointing than picking up a sporty petite lil number and finding she has the storage capacity of an estate, it just spoils the overall image lol)

Excessive wear and tear (overuse and overloading stresses the structure and road holding causing slackness and a lack of responsiveness during a long ride)

Fluid levels as mentioned earlier, some older models can have serious lubrication problems

Exhaust problems, exessive wear again can cause a widening of the inlet and outlet ports which results in unwanted escapes of gas although this can be cured with a couple of "plugs" from your local branch of "Hagfords" lol

Perhaps haynes could even do manuals?

Only problem there is that there would have to be around 4 billion of them, one for each models unique "foibles", each manual would be around 30,000 pages long and would need to be ammended, altered or completely changed every few hours

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:34 pm:
Ok, no one said it was perfect. Just gonna have to do the best we can.

FeistySyn 52F

5/20/2006 3:53 pm

All this from a man who admittedly loves women? ... too funny... by the way, I don't come with a manual but I am excellent at subtle direction

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:36 pm:
O God, you are so Feisty. I admittedly love Feisty women also. Perhaps you would consider stopping over there at that gas station for directions?

rm_LoyalCumpany 46M
3204 posts
5/20/2006 5:34 pm

That was probably one of the most entertaining posts I've seen yet, Ger. too bad sexydisaster beat the crap outta me for your ownership.

I am JoJo the Circus Boy!

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:37 pm:
Are you OK? Did you enjoy it? Was it worth it?

Ubermik 49M
209 posts
5/20/2006 5:56 pm

I cant really see how humour would suggest someone didnt "like" women as a collective overall stance really syn

There is just as much humour aimed at men as there is at women, which is expected to be taken as just that,,,,humour. But a hell of a lot of women who quite often joke at mens expense will when faced with the same in reverse start claiming its the sign of a mysoginist, woman hater or someone who has a problem with women as a collective group and subset of society

Personally I DONT "love women", I have "loved" one so far, been extremely keen on quite a few, quite liked some, fancied the arse off a fair few, been intrigued by quite a lot, been fascinated by hundreds of them for varying durations even had a crush on a few, been indifferent to hundreds and completely disliked a few dozen and havent met the other several billion so I cant form an opinion on them at all

So as with most people my views will never be about "women" as that implies it applies to all women, it will be based on and formed from the very small percentage that I have actually met and formed an opinion on and pretty much every person alive will like some women and detest some, niether means thats their view on all women, niether does a piece of prose indicate that

So, are you saying you didnt even chuckle begrudgedly even once at the original blog? Not even a slight upturn of one side of your mouth?

Come on. spill the beans lol, you must have chuckled at least a little bit due to seeing a resemblance to at least one person you know in there?

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:38 pm:
You guys are gonna have to take this outside. I don't want to get involved.

SortsOmensAlien 58M
243 posts
5/21/2006 5:23 am

very funny.

Seriously_Real 48M

5/21/2006 9:20 am

Fucking salesman sold me a Goddess when I ordered a Ms. Right. Where do I complain?

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:39 pm:
That's the downside. Salesman will do anything to get the sale and even when you think all the homework is done......
Complain here.

real36CgirlPA 38F

5/21/2006 12:36 pm

That is one of the funniest posts I've seen yet...lol

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 1:39 pm:
Yeah, I was crackin up too.

FeistySyn 52F

5/21/2006 9:00 pm

<<<< is glad at least Ger gets her sense of humor... even if no one else does...

btw, Ger, does that gas station have locking stall doors?

Apparently the depth of depravity here is bottomless... don't you feel right at home?

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/21/2006 10:27 pm:
Ger stopped taking himself seriously and the side effect was not taking other people seriously either. I love your sense of humor.
Ger also not care if stall doors lock or not.

(Princess Lips)

5/22/2006 11:03 am

and break a bed.

*raises hand* WEG


rm_gerson42 replies on 5/25/2006 4:17 pm:
Ok, I know and break a bed.
What does WEG mean?

demonicsexkitten 41F
10672 posts
5/22/2006 1:49 pm

I would consider myself a Ms. Right, with a touch of "Friend" and taurean bullheadedness thrown in that might negate all the above.

But others call me a Goddess.

Who is right??? (btw: others have seen, or at least heard, all sides of me)

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/25/2006 4:18 pm:
Is that anything like a renaissance woman?

MillsShipsGayly 51M

5/25/2006 11:53 am

Segmentation analysis
Vibratory testing

Doesn't everyone do it that way? lol

rm_gerson42 replies on 5/25/2006 4:19 pm:
Maybe just one of those things we don't talk about.

NSAAddict 42F

6/10/2006 12:01 am

If a goddess doesn't want to be a girlfriend, is she still a goddess? I'm with Redlips *WEG* (wicked evil grin) {=} (my code for this post... 690 baby

rm_gerson42 52M
2419 posts
6/10/2006 12:35 pm

Absolutely she would still be a goddess. God, Im so new at this... ok, you've explained WEG for me... what's the 690. I think I know..... yet...

NSAAddict 42F

6/13/2006 7:08 pm

lol, just that my favorite number 69 was part of the anti spamming code I had to type in, being the day after this most horniest of holidays 6/9 I had to mention it

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