Why?  

rm_funinic 48M
562 posts
5/13/2006 11:21 pm

Last Read:
2/4/2010 9:10 pm

Why?

This post was half-written, badly, as an erotic story. Can't do it tonight. The initial flash is there, an image in the dark illuminated for an instant by lightning, but it's just a flash. Then it fades...

Why am I sitting here in a friend's apartment, alone, while he's out at his friends' commencement parties?

Why am I lingering here, not wanting to go and sleep?

Those are the easy ones. I wasn't invited to those parties, and I don't want to go to the place I've been sleeping.

Why?

That house is empty tonight and tomorrow, they are away visiting family.

It is not my house, that house is no longer my home and I can't sleep there. I lay down and close my eyes when I'm there and tired but sleep hasn't come in that place for a month now.

So, rather than be in that empty friend's house, alone, I am here, alone.

Why is it that I seem to be choosing to be alone more and more?

Is it that I trust people less? Then why am I pouring myself out here?

There are so many excuses to stop reaching out. I haven't found the right person. I've been hurt too often. Everyone goes away eventually. I can't seem to not hurt those I love. I don't have the energy any more. I don't have the time.

Every day my battle is to keep from using one or more of these excuses and just give up, stop trying to reach out.

I'm finding it harder and harder to win that battle these days.

Why?

edit:
I suppose when you fall asleep waiting for the post to appear it might be a good time to go find a bed. Maybe I'll fall asleep a little more quickly tonight.


Whispersoftly5 52F
15176 posts
5/14/2006 5:33 am

Poor sweetheart! I think we've all been where you are to an extent. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. SensuallyKatey said everything else I might have said. Big hugs and kisses to you and hope things are better very soon.

Whisper...


runzwithknives 59F

5/14/2006 6:56 am

My solitude is a way of keeping myself from hurting others. The more I hurt, the more time I spend alone. And I pour my heart out as well here. Because I can. And because it helps me process.

Yes there are a multitude of excuses. Why? We use them out of self-defense. And learned negative reinforcement. Reach out. Love. Hurt. Over and over. Some days it feels like it never ends.

I used to think I would gladly rip at my own heart to care for another. I used to think I was able to stitch my heart back up again and again. Truth be told, there's just no more room for stitches anymore.

One of these days I will be able to reach out again. It just won't be soon. Same for you, my friend. It will take time. How much is so very hard to say. But we are impatient with the process. It is Love and Acceptance we crave. We are human and we need it. So even when we love and accept ourselves, we still crave it from others. Not tomorrow but now...

Sleep. Heal. Be well. Peace.

Hugs
Rosa


HBowt2 58F

5/14/2006 10:59 am

funinic....if you don't get lifted a bit soon will you go talk to someone.....where you are is not a good place to be alone in....I know sometimes we need to be 'stuck' to process what has happened ...to allow time to absorb...to come to terms....but then we need to move forward....however painful....look after you....HB2xx


rm_funinic 48M
823 posts
5/15/2006 1:05 pm

Ahhh, thank you all...

I am talking to the right people to help with this.

Unfortunately as others know there is no way through this even with help that doesn't involve some pain. If otherwise we wouldn't be human...

What I'm focusing on is not letting the pain consume me or blind me to the reality of my future.

Which, while it does have some obvious pain, also shows the promise of a great deal of pleasure.

Right now, most of that pleasure is right here...

I'll get back to my regularly scheduled program of nudity, vivid imagery, and licentious (and sometimes kinky) descriptions of various acts of libidinous lovemaking with luscious ladies very soon, I promise.

In fact, I think I feel something rising right now...


rm_funinic 48M
823 posts
5/15/2006 10:57 pm

    Quoting runzwithknives:
    My solitude is a way of keeping myself from hurting others. The more I hurt, the more time I spend alone. And I pour my heart out as well here. Because I can. And because it helps me process.

    Yes there are a multitude of excuses. Why? We use them out of self-defense. And learned negative reinforcement. Reach out. Love. Hurt. Over and over. Some days it feels like it never ends.

    I used to think I would gladly rip at my own heart to care for another. I used to think I was able to stitch my heart back up again and again. Truth be told, there's just no more room for stitches anymore.

    One of these days I will be able to reach out again. It just won't be soon. Same for you, my friend. It will take time. How much is so very hard to say. But we are impatient with the process. It is Love and Acceptance we crave. We are human and we need it. So even when we love and accept ourselves, we still crave it from others. Not tomorrow but now...

    Sleep. Heal. Be well. Peace.

    Hugs
    Rosa
I commented in one of Huntress' posts (since deleted... ) that rather than imagine a heart permanently scarred, I'd rather think of it as a lake, frozen by the cold above, but warmed by the earth below. Cold, fractured, dead seeming. But with time, the ice melts and the lake shows no sign of the coldness.

Well, it's a nice image, since it implies that we can recover, if not fully, then with the ability to love again...

I might be mistaken.

I was going to say "compassion and forgiveness" in my next post, but your words reminded me that acceptance includes as a subset forgiveness, and implies a greater state of grace.


rm_funinic 48M
823 posts
5/15/2006 11:02 pm

    Quoting longhairednikki:
    healing takes time..
    let us hold your hand through the process
Two thoughts occur to me...

First, thank you! Hand-holding might sound trite, but it's exactly what I need. I wish I would have had something like these blogs as a resource during the last divorce. I would have recovered faster, made some better decisions, I think.

Second, It's not my hand I wish you were offering to hold...


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