Sleeping With The Enemy  

rm_foxxychica 44F
188 posts
10/1/2005 7:21 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Sleeping With The Enemy

I woke up this morning feeling... disembodied. I turned to look at the head on the pillow next to me, peaceful and oblivious to all that is happening around him.

I wonder when did the dream end for me and him. Where did all that 'love' go? (Was it the first time his fist connected with my cheekbone? Or was it the time he almost mashed the broken jagged edges of our wedding Baccarat in my face?) Was it even truly 'love' in the first place? His arm heavy across my body that once felt like a safe harbour now feels like a cross that I have to bear... weighing me down, a burden tying me to something I want to desperately escape from.

I do not mourn the end of the dreaming. I do not mourn the end of 'love'.

Somewhere along the way I lost me. That is what I mourn the most.

"Salahkah aku
Bila aku bukan seperti aku yang dahulu?
Ada makna terkali
Dari sini..."

fwolfc 43M
519 posts
10/2/2005 4:18 pm

Then its time to go find it again.... not easy granted but why weigh yourself down...

I felt like that before sometimes you just got to be sure if he is worth it, thats all.....

"Mimpi itu hanya emosi tersirat"

rm_foxxychica 44F
60 posts
10/2/2005 9:57 pm

fwolfc: Yeah.. why weigh myself down. Life is but ONCE, right? Easier said than done though *sigh*

Mimpi itu hanya emosi tersirat? Hmm... deep... but I like.

EdgeofdesireM 47M

10/4/2005 12:21 pm

First allow me to express the deep empathy that falls upon my soul at the thought of such befalling you.

While never the subject of physical abuse, the end conclusion... the loss of self.. from mental abuse is shared.

Saddening is it not when you wake up and realize that the true spirit of love, the complete and total acceptance of another despite all their worst characteristics, the willingness to sacrifice oneself for another, was not requitted. That at somepoint you gave so much of yourself to another that you realize that not only did you not receive their love, their "self" back, but that you have given away your very self, the essence of what you believed yourself to be. Such a gradual dissipation that it goes unnoticed until one day, like an empty barrel you turn the tap on .. to realize that no one has been filling it but you.

I wish I had more than words. I wish that I could truly extend the firm hand with invitation to feel the soft strength of yours placed within it. But since all I have is words in this moment, I hope that you can at least feel the sincerity of the sentiment wished to be expressed.

rm_foxxychica 44F
60 posts
10/7/2005 5:53 am

Edge: Thank you for your words, as always. It felt like a virtual hug! I do feel the sincerity of your sentiments from all the way here. (Believe me, I am quite a ways away from where you are... *wry smile*)

rm_still30_30 44
2 posts
10/9/2005 9:38 pm

Foxxy dear,
Been following your blog for a while now...and like you, eventhough i am a guy,..i find myself fervently looking for Edge's comments everytime u write!! Perhaps the sincerity, the aptitude, the gift(for writting), somehow displays thru real well via keyboards for him(which drives me nuts coz try as I may, an avid writer I am not -im envious of ones ability to flaunt almost flawlessly clear and unambiguous display of emotions and clarity of thought which transcends true physical actions ie hugs....WOW! unbelievable,huh!..Beat that-virtual hugs!!).... but I wonder how it'll play out face to face!!. Anyways, Qudos Edge: U've got us all zealously anticipating ur lexis!

Foxxy:i do empathize! Tis indeed a difficult and tragic situation which needs healing. But would leaving solve the problem? wouldnt it? shouldn't it? There are many possible evanescent anecdotes available! Take which ever route u wish but always remember that for whats worth... WE ARE, THE CHOICES THAT WE MAKE! Im not saying be careful nor am I saying be lackadaisical! Im really saying... Life's too short to worry on matters that may take lifetimes to comprehend! Just Do It!! (Like Nike Ad) ...whatever IT is!!!

rm_still30_30 44
2 posts
10/9/2005 9:46 pm

FIND YOURSELF...IF IT NEEDS TO BE FOUND BUT ONLY DO IT IF YOU WANT IT TO BE FOUND! From personal experience... sometimes ur not ready to look deep into yourself coz u may not be robust or resilient enough once u've seen what u've become!!

EdgeofdesireM 47M

10/14/2005 1:56 pm

Since your profile is off, I have no idea what distance geographically exists between us. However, I would disagree that you are quite aways from me, if my thoughts were any judge of distance. I may not be able to encircle you in my arms, I may not be able to collapse the distance as easily as one folds a map, but I will always seek to transcend the obstacles for one as compelling as you revealed as you are here.

eternal1969 47M
1634 posts
10/15/2005 12:19 pm

Its shame to live a sham of trying to live with an enemy. Girl its time you made your stand..

rm_foxxychica 44F
60 posts
10/27/2005 5:25 pm

Edge: You have left me (almost) speechless. Maybe I should switch my profile back on! *wry laugh* Thanks again. Your kind, sweet words are like a balm to this stranger who lives many, many miles away from you.

eternal: Mmm-hmm..

Become a member to create a blog