Dirty Jokes  

rm_fatty15451 52F
49 posts
7/11/2006 4:02 am
Dirty Jokes

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

rm_fatty15451 52F
13 posts
7/11/2006 4:04 am


During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

rm_fatty15451 52F
13 posts
7/11/2006 4:09 am

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"

He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."

rm_fatty15451 52F
13 posts
7/11/2006 4:17 am

Viagra cut into four

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said "That`s no problem. How many do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That`s too small a dose. That won`t get you through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that`s all right. I`m past eighty years old, and I don`t even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don`t pee on my shoes.

rm_rainydays70 53M
4 posts
7/12/2006 1:02 am

There's this legionnaire soldier who gets stationed in some abandoned base in the middle of the desert. After a couple of months he starts getting horny and wonders what he can do. So he goes to the sergeant and asks him: "Hey boss, I'm kinda horny and need to loosen up a bit...any ideas?" The sergeant just makes a gesture with his head towards the stables and says: "The camels...!" "WHAT???...are you serious...must be joking...NO WAY...THANKS..."
After another month, the guy is much hornier than before. His balls 'swollen', he looks up the sergeant: "Boy am I horny mate, this is terrible...all I can think about is sex...PLEASE...tell me what YOU do...this is getting unbearable...!" Again the sergeant with a nod of his head points towards the back: "I told you man...the camels!!!" "SERIOUSLY???" "YES man...now leave me alone!"
The guy is frustrated and starts walking towards the stable, but no...no way...I'm not THAT horny...no way...!
Another two months pass, and the guy is drooling by now. Horny as hell and pretty much desperate! So he gives himself a push and and asks the sergeant again: "Boss, my balls are about to bust here and I'm starting to have nightmares...you've just GOT to help and tell me what to do...come on now...!" "Man, you're getting on my nerves. I told you: THE CAMELS! Now please don't bother me anymore!!! I told you!"
The guy is fighting with himself, not knowing what to do. In the end his libido gains the upper hand: he goes to the stables, takes a deep breath and does what he has to do! After a short while, with a disgusted and miserable face, he returns to his tent. There he runs into the sergeant who is kind of surprised to see him: "Well that was quick man! Wow! You sure are something else! By the time we take the camels, saddle them, ride into the city, go to the brothel and ride back, AT LEAST two hours pass...."

toothysmile 50M
16515 posts
7/14/2006 9:43 am

lmao!... very funny all of them!...

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