Needing a male prespective  

rm_emmie234 52F
874 posts
10/16/2005 10:16 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Needing a male prespective

OK Men, I need some words of wisdom.
My current male lover is amazing. We have wonderful intimate encounters, sharing ourselves physically as well as emotionaly. The experiences have been thebest ever in my life. (HUGE SMILES)

Now, the part for advice, as soon as the love making is complete, he pulls away, emotionally and physically. Is this a self protective mechanism after sharing so much of himself with me? One relationship guy says that men in relationships are like rubberbands, constantly pulling back after intimacy and springing back to be closer than before. My lover fits this pattern. Do you believe this to be true?

ANother need for advice, how do I tell him of my need to be a bit closer after making love without sounding needy?

Interestingly, this is the first "loving" male relationship in the past 5 years. Everything else was for mutual physical gratification only. I must say I am kinda diggin it!

Thanks all

redmustang91 57M  
8658 posts
10/16/2005 10:41 am

Maybe he is trying to keep some distance as he does not want to get too committed or married? My suggestion is that you tell him you enjoy your time together and are in no hurry to get married/etc. Tell him you like to cuddle after sex to feel loved and friendly toward your partner.

redmustang91 57M  
8658 posts
10/16/2005 10:44 am

Looked at your profile, you are already married so maybe he does not want to be a home wrecker, cause you to leave your marriage. Guys are simple, you can find out a lot just by asking: "After sex it seems like you pull away. Maybe you are just trying to protect yourself but it makes me feel sad. Lets just silently cuddle and feel nice together."

iWant2PleaseU28 62M
9 posts
10/16/2005 11:21 am

Ok, here it is, and take this literally.

You are your own person, you live life the way you want, not like others want you to live. You can not change and neither can he, deal with it, and make the best of it.

Once someone told me he got into an argument with one serious partner and said to me that all people are not like you and not perfect, they all have something annoying about them, but is it something that you can deal with.

I see in your case that its not much to deal with if he can make you smile the whole day.

P.s. if you like to cuddle, cuddle.

mygmyg 59M

10/16/2005 11:33 am

Emmie, best thing is to adress this with him openly and honestly. when your alone, maybe while eating a snack, or dinking some wine/beer, when you're enjoying just being together. Tell him how wonderful he makes you feel, how great the intimacy and lovemaking is, is there anything that he thinks will make it better for him?

You want to explore everything that he desires, within your limits, and you feel this will bring you even closer! You want to make him happy and keep the communication lines open! Listen to his response and I'm sure he will end or begin with is there anything you would like.

Just tell him what you'd like to do after, and how this really completes the intimacy for you.

Hope this is a solution or a spark of an idea on how to address your concern!

bigfurrybear 41M

10/16/2005 11:46 am

I'm not sure what to tell you. I think there are some guys out there who are afraid of getting to close to someone if they are not looking for a serious relationship. There are also guys, and I am one of these, who consider cuddling, kissing, and intimately just holding and talking to their lover after sex just as important as the sex itself. I know I am not looking for a serious relationship as I am married and already have one, but I make sure that is clear before I even meet someone. Having that understanding with a lover frees us up to better enjoy the relationship we do have without any pretenses.

I guess the best advice I can give you is to just tell him how you feel. Explain to him how important this issue is to you and talk it through. It may even be something as simple as a misunderstanding on his part as to what you want. Talk to him. I don't think there is anything needy sounding about that.

rm_vegasfun4 52M
1 post
10/16/2005 12:01 pm

The relationship guy is wrong. LOse his input and move on. all guyd do this and be glad everything else is working..Tel him about it. Most men have no clue they are being jerks after sex. Try pre playing what will happen after. Like a shower together to clean up..As we all know those juices tend to get everywhere. The short time a man wants to not be involved after sex is a left over stand in our DNA. In our primal time sex was not as it is today.. It occured many times a day for men trying to spread their seed. It was natural for men to not get involved.
Again rejoice you are getting some from someone you care about.
and post some after pics...make him stay involved.

AtomicArtist0 45M
6015 posts
10/16/2005 12:07 pm

As a man, the only time I've felt withdrawn after sex is when I was with someone I didn't like and felt bad about what I was doing...probably not what you wanted to hear. But if you are really in a loving relationship with him, then hold him close afterwards and don't let him run off to the tv or wherever he goes. Tell him you need some close time and comment how wonderful the love making made you feel. Guys like to have their egos stroked. He probably won't be so withdrawn if you try that.

glenn4242 60M

10/16/2005 12:59 pm

He leave the bed? Does he pull away to clean up? To go to the bath room? Do you call him back?

Do you follow him and bring him back?

A lot is missing to answer.

RailBaron2 54M

10/16/2005 2:15 pm

Hi emmie,I'm Jim- Ok let me ask you this- When he cums he immeditaly pulls out of you? if the answer is yes do the following-
if your on your back & he is on top of you, just before he cums
wrap your legs a round his ass to pull him in to you,at the same time
wrap your arms around him & pull his body to yours & lock lips with him. break the kiss just long enough to tell him to stay buried in side you after he cums, carress him using your legs & hands & keep kissing him,pulling him to you telling him to hold you. when you do break your kiss communicate your need, how you want him emotionally & physicly,My ex had that one good point in the bedroom, she had me stay inside her until I went limp, we would kiss & she would whisper what she wanted. you can try it & see it that helps.It was not uncommon for me to get hard again after a few minuets inside her .we would lay in each others arms kissing, carressing & whispering to each other.You dont sound needy if you communicate it in a way that says "What you are doing is turning me on" You have to remember too that sex is a Draining experiance that -Pulling back is us running out of steam. You just have to do a little more to keep the proverbial boiler pressure up. Hope this helps, Jim

bigshizzle77 39M

10/16/2005 2:25 pm

well i must say im the same way. After sex i lose all interest for a while. Usuall not long though, sometimes a few minutes or and hour or so, dont know what its all about

mnfun952 102M

10/16/2005 2:59 pm

Every man is different - some cuddle, some don't... a man is who he is and I might recommend looking at the glass half-full... Those experiences that are the best ever in your life...enjoy them. I don't think any of us can be the 'perfect' specimen and right-off-the-bat be EVERYTHING that a woman wants or needs. In time, you two will learn what the other needs and wants and you'll grow closer... in time... don't push and keep an eye on how full your glass truly is.


rm_Simplelife65 50M
1 post
10/16/2005 3:16 pm

No I don't think he is protecting himself, I believe he like most males he is selfish and just pretends to be close and loving so he can get some. If he is around your age he is old enough to handle being told the truth be honest with him and tell him what you want out of the relationship
Good Luck

HardlyYours4Now 52M

10/16/2005 4:06 pm

That relationship guy seems on target to me. There are a very few guys who are able to be emotionally vulnerable and open after making love; the act itself is (when it is something meaningful) an incredibly vulnerable place.

As for your needs, just be honest; but I would recommend not bringing it up during or immediately after sex. That would feel more like an 'ambush.' Better to discuss it in terms of 'I would love it if you would...'


10/16/2005 4:31 pm

Sorry to say if you are married already like your file says he is not going to see you as anything serious. Now if thats a lie! Then let him know that you need some wrap you up in my arms time but take it slow.If you are married and he knows he is never going to take you serious no matter what you say. He won't believe a word and let himself get open.

rm_emmie234 52F
608 posts
10/17/2005 6:32 am

Guys, Thank you all for your advice. I am great at giving him his space, no pressure, and seing the glass as more than half full. As is my perogative, I will choose the advie I like best. He and I have beengreat at communicating our likes, dislikes, needs and desires. So, the next nonsexual time, i will casually bring up the topic. I am not looking for an all out cuddle fest, just not a bear retreating to his cave to hibernate for the half hour until it is time for more play.
And, to answer a few curious questions, he and I are both n horrible marriages. This is more than just a physical attraction, but less than a life long commitment. Fun with a bit of feeling. The emphasis being on the fun!

rm_heneverdiez 46M

11/10/2005 10:45 pm

Then maybe you should both get a divorce. I'm surprised that no one else said that. If both of your marriages are horrible and your both cheating on your spouses for the sake of FUN, then it's over and you both need to leave the marriages your in. How can anyone expect any real emotion when that person is cheating on someone they promised eternal love to.

Marriages do break apart but maybe his conscious rebels against the sex he is having with you and he pulls back, ashamed for what he's done. He once loved his spouse just like u did at one time. There is still feelings there otherwise, you would both be divorced by now. I don't think your going to get him to be more emotionally and physically closer as long as he is leading a double life, lieing to his wife and sneaking around.

And also, you mention that your choosing the advice u like best. Usually the advice you don't want to hear, is the advice that you need to hear.

Good luck.

rm_emmie234 52F
608 posts
11/12/2005 10:29 am

Henever, Great advice. I myself have been telling my husband that I want a divorce for the past six months. He insists that staying in this miserable situation is the best thing, for the sake of the kids. AHHHHHH!!!!!! As for my lover, well, his situation is different, and the situation we had may be coming to an end as well.
It is best to come to a full ending, taking a deep breath, and then begin again. THat is the best. But, there are no easy solutions. Only long, twisted lessons that sometimes are difficult to see until decades have passed.
Thanks for stopping by!

Become a member to create a blog