What do we, as humans, really desire from each other?  

rm_dieseldog77 38M
2 posts
1/29/2006 6:44 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

What do we, as humans, really desire from each other?

I am confounded as to the reasons so many on this site and elsewhere seek physical expressions of love if they are already involved in a relationship. As a single straight man, I understand why people may be attracted to someone of the opposite when they are single. I am attracted to, as wrong as I feel I am, to a friend of mines' wife, but to be involved in a what, in my humble opinion, should be a committed relationship and still seek physical pleasure from someone else, just stupifies me. Could someone please explain polymorous relationships? I don't get it.

scumbagalert101 48M
12 posts
1/29/2006 1:38 pm

You don't get it? You don't get it?! Have you ever been in a long term commited relationship? By that I mean for five years or more? Well, I have been in a "committed relationship" for 18 years now (13 living together, 5 married) and there is at least one thing I've learned: true love does not conquer all desire. Another important fact: true love does not guarantee satisfying sex. Another fact: desire is an impersonal force which can sometimes be every bit as strong as hunger and the fight-or-flight response. I don't "plan" to be interested in other women, it just overcomes me, even in my most serene and committed moments. Committment/faithfullness between two people doesn't magical desolve youre sexual desire for others outside of this relationship, committment is an outright STRUGGLE. Just as I do not judge people who are a bit too weak, for whatever reason, to resist their urge to eat and so become fat, I do not judge people who are a bit too weak to resist the onslaught of desire. I'm not saying you are judgmental (well, maybe a little), it's just that I feel you are missing some of the complexity of the situation. Now, I admit that I am a married man "on the make", though I signed up for this Passion account just to see what it was all about and maybe to stir up some trouble, though I'd bne a liar if I said that somewhere in the back of my mind there wasn't the thought that maybe, just maybe, I might get some action because of it. There's fat chance of it, of course, because Passion.com is COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT. And another thing, I have had the opportunity three times since I have been with my mate to have sex with other women. Each time I got to the point where all I had to do was say, "Let's fuck" and it would have happened, but in all cases I just COULD NOT DO IT. The only thing that stopped me (other than logistics - having an affair is a logistical NIGHTMARE, lemme tell you!) was the thought of how it would hurt my wife if she found out. I would have gladly sacrificed our marriage just to take advantage of an opportunity for a couple hours of exciting fun were it not for how it could have deeply hurt my wife. If our relationship was as shaky as most others - that is, based more upon social ideals and expectations and superficial and transitory romantic "love" - and not based upon deep compassion, then busting it up through having an affair would be a quite minor thing (as I believe it is in most other cases). It is only due to the depth of our relationship that I had the inner reserve of strength to connect with my sense of compassion for my wife as a living, breathing, feeling human being. MOST people, however, DO NOT HAVE this inner reserve. The typical man-woman thing is, frankly, just a joke, a mere facet of the reproductive function and most of its traditions, behavior patterns, and ideals are just a dodge, an illusion, a social convenience that sprung up involuntarily to foster this repro function. In the end, it doesn't matter, in most cases, who fucks who. People marry and divorce over and over again and with these superficial relationship, which includes all the relationships you probably know and all that you have probably been involved in and probably every relationship you will ever have, it doesn't really matter. Those marriages only boil down to "dick wants pussy, pussy wants baby, and everybody only wants what they want because nature tells them too." It all comes back to the STRUGGLE to remain committed IN SPITE OF the surging tide of animal desire. In my own case, I admit that the relationship HAS become weakened over the years as I have realized that my wife, while she is my SOUL MATE, is NOT my perfect physical mate. The onyl way to defeat desire in this case is to RELINQUISH DESIRE by TRANSCENDING THE MERELY PHYSICAL. Now, a lot of people will say something retarded like, "Why don't you try playing games or something, go see a counselor, the brain is the largest sexual organ you know..." These people are IDIOTS, however, because NOTHING we could do would change the fact that my wife has one body type and I have another. Sex you see, regardless of the mental and even the spiritual component, is largely a PHYSICAL THING. In fact, sex is PURELY AN ASPECT OF PHYSICAL EXISTENCE. If the physical does not work out, then the whole house of cards falls apart. Like I said before, it is only the power of compassion that truly holds people together, and most people NEVER experience this. Consequently, the vast majority (let's just say 99 of relationships are essentially superficial and the people in them are too limited to ever reach the level of compassion needed to sustain true committment. Now, I have indicated to you that I am in such a relationship but that I also desire sex with other women. The reason for this, if I have not made this clear, is that my level of compassion is beginning to wane due to the onslaught of year after year of involuntary sexual desire battering against my walls of defense. That dream you have of the gloriously pure nature of marriage i.e., the "committed relationship" is just that - a dream, a fantasy. To say that "married people are supposed to be faithful" is like saying "politicians, cops, and priests are supposed to be honest and trustworthy", I see it as a childisah oversimplification. Not that YOU are "childish," what I'm saying is that ideals of perfection are non-corporeal models/theoretical constructs that have no existence in physical reality and that literal believ in them is a naive wish that is programmed into us by society to help us feel safe and be able to go on about our lives without worrying that every tree hides a monster. Human beings are complex creatures who function far beyond the instinctual level. If we could remain faithful to our spouses in the same way that a shark stays swimming so it won't drown then we'd have no problem. Unfortunately, we must exert EFFORT to remain faithful and the only TRUE source of this is compassion, which, as I am sure you will agree, is in very short supply. Just because someone gets married doesn't mean they have found their soul mate and have accessed a deep well of compassion (I can tear the foundations of almost any marriage apart with just a cursory examination). And, because of this, most married people are vulnerable to desire, which, as I explained, is a POWERFUL AND IMPERSONAL NATURAL FORCE THAT CAN SPRING UP WITHOUT ANY WARNING. Blame it on God, if you want, but we humans are just doing the best we can and sometimes that ain't good enough.

Wait till you get married, if ever, get married and stay married for about ten years then come back and tell me if you have NEVER felt the urge to have sex with others that was strong enough to make you seriously contemplate the possibility of acting on such desires. Another part of the problem, I feel (I'm just an idiot, so what do I know), is your phrase "seek physical pleasure from someone else". "Physical pleasure" is a relatively small part of sexuality. If pleasure were all it was about people wouldn't be so obssessed with sex, as simply having your head scritched and/or your back rubbed can feel as good as even the best sex, but I don't see anybody out there raving about how great their last head scritching was. Half or more of the thrill of sex is the IDEA of doing, and these ideas stem from the nature of the instinctual reproductive urge. I don't want "pleasure" from another woman, I want to know what the woman who sits a few cubicles down from me at work looks like naked, what she feels like, what she tastes like, and I guess I want to be dominant towards her a little, get her to submit to me for the ego boost and memories it would provide. I could get no tactile sensation from the experience at all and I would STILL want to do these things, things which are not truly "pleasurable" in the end. If pleasure were ALL thaty sex was about, then there would be ABSOLUTELY NO VISUAL OR MENTAL COMPONENT AT ALL TO SEX. Go make friends with an obese woman who is what most people would consider ugly if this is not true. I'm sure she can make you feel as much, if not more, pleasure than the hottest supermodel or actress or whoever it is you're most attracted to. Now, as for "polymorphous relationships," if you mean a so-called "open marriage" then that is where BOTH parties have sex with others, which would be where the participants BOTH acknowledge that one person is not ebough to fulfill all your sexual desires and thoughts. Personally, I think that an open marriage would be the most healthy one of all as it admits the true nature of sexuality. But, if you mean a relationship where only ONE party screws others and the other doesn't, then there may be a problem. That would, of course, just be unfair, but it does not violate the nature of sexuality. People get tied up in sexual fantasy and such when they identify with the tide of desire as it surges through them. The only way to defeat this is to transform your committed relationship into a more spiritual one, where both people are collaborating in their joint effort to achieve some sort of enlightenment through the harnessing and control of desire (study up on Buddhism for more on this subject). I'm sure that even you can admit that most relationships don't go into this territory. For the most part (at least for we heteros), they remain purely on the conventional, superficial, socially programmed basis, and this makes for a weak barrier against desire. Well, that's my opinion, anyway (though this "opinion" is based on years of observation and direct experience and I can provide hard evidence to suppport it). When desire overcomes you, committed relationship or not, your resistance to it requires you to connect with the deep levels of compassion that I desribed before and to follow this up with some serious and extended self-analysis and so on. If you just imagine how likely this is to occur for m ost people I am sure you will understand how so many people fail the committment test and seek sexual experiences with others outside of their relationship.

rm_dieseldog77 38M
1 post
1/29/2006 8:58 pm

Scumbag, while I will succede that you make some excellent and valid points, what I was simply asking is, if people cannot be fulfilled by one partner, then why get married? Does this prolong our short, meager lives on this earth? Being a chistian, I understand that God created in each man and woman the desire for companionship and to be physically adored by the opposite, but, and tell me if I am mistaken, is this need unable to be met by not marrying? You posed the challenge to see how I feel about commitment to the same person after 10+ years, yet I say to you that if I felt I could not commit to one woman for my life, then I, personally would not marry. I am not judging anyone. Different strokes for different folks, whatever floats your boat. I was simply curious as to why, in this day and age, when it is so hard to find one special person, why, after we find that person, we then seek a connection with someone else? As I said, I am not at all proud about the fact that, as of this moment, since I have noone else to quell my search and longing to find my soulmate, I am deeply in love with a friend's lovely wife. She loves her husband and is committed to him wholeheartedly. I would never disrespect that bond by trying to break it. Another couple I know, who are very close associates of mine, did have a marital issue. She is a stunningly beautiful young lady. They are a young couple and he decided he wasn't getting what he needed at home, at that particular moment anyway, and sought the sexual delights of his best friend's spouse. How they remained together; I'm guessing there was a strong enough bond to survive; is a mystery. This is all I'm stating. Too many times,from what I've seen in my short, inexperienced years, polygamy and polymorous relationships, cause heartbreak and deep, emotional pain for one person or the other. To put it simply, if you can't remain true and virtuous to your spouse, then, it seems, marriage is not for you.

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