at least it something...  

rm_dex2win 44M
1 posts
4/13/2006 6:31 pm
at least it something...

It's not a thing that comes up often. Although it should probably come up more often than it should.
Ever now and again I wonder about my old girlfriends. You know the same "How are they now?""Do they ever think of me?" I know I'm not alone in this. Everyone does it now and again. Still there is one in particular. Now I'll spare everyone the same old twisting of half truths as told by one side or the other. The plain and simple of it all is I fucked up. Honestly. I guess this is a sign of maturity. maybe. I look back on all of the whooped de whoop and think "man I was an asshole." I will admit that there were mistakes made on both sides but I was the bearer of the lions share.
The big deal about it all is this. There aren't many mistakes that I really feel that bad about. Take that as you will. Don't get me wrong I'm not some arrogant SOB that thinks I don't make mistakes. Oh I do. The deal is generally I try to make up for those things that I truly feel I was wrong about, everything else I chalk up to experience. I also don't believe in that need for "closure". If one side or the other calls the subject closed it generally is. Anything else is one side trying to persuade the other that one way of thinking was and is the correct one. That's not "closure".
So why the soul searching? I can't quite say. Maybe I really did love her and didn't quite know it. Maybe I feel bad for the only person I've ever truly wronged and never made up for. Maybe I just don't want to remember myself as being that big of an asshole.
The simple matter is I haven't seen her in years and there really is no excuse for my actions back then. I could do a half-assed apology. But really that would be another crappy thing to add to the list of past crappy things. Besides apologies are one thing but only actions can make up for actions.

To that end all I'll say is "Grace I am truly sorry. If we ever meet again I promise to try and make it up to you."

Piss poor as that is, it's all I can do for now.

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