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sad and lonely
sad and lonely
Hello readers, like the title says, today I'll be mostly feeling "sad and lonely". Isn't it strange how you can be in a relationship and still feel so empty?I have a beautiful wife and two lovely kids but still I feel like I have nothing. There's no fun anymore, no spark it's just mundane everyday stuff - all the time - and I find it so depressing. Some days I just want to pack up and go, but I'm scared of been on my own and I don't want my kids growing up without me. There's just so much shit to sort out to make a split possible and if solicitors get involved, which undoubtedly they will, well they can manufacture as much shit as you could possibly want and more - just for fun.
Enough of her anyway, or affectionately known as "shitbrick" ... lol, well I think it's funny anyway.
Drugs have played a big part in my life, since I was about 23, I'm not proud of this but also not ashamed. I've never stolen from anyone or thing to pay for it. over this time it has mainly been social Drug use. but for the last two years it has been more or less an addiction, though I have been clean for four months and don't feel the need to habitually use anymore. Amphetamine was the Drug of choice, usually going through 28g (1oz)or more a week which is a lot by anyones standards - so the addiction wasn't chemical more physiological. but I have tried and liked most Drugs available in the UK with the exception of Smack and LSD.
People often, well always, ask why? SIMPLE, I like the high, in feels good and makes me more confidant. I'm not one of these who gets stupid and arsie and many people would struggle to realise I was on anything, I could even eat fairly normally. I mean, I was high for days on end, even at work, and they were clueless. It has left me with problems don't get me wrong, not in my relationship with her, that was wrong to start with, which is part of the reason I started to take so much. Just to make me feel happy and not care about my problems, it blotted them out.
I don't want anyone reading this and leaving a lecture either about why I shouldn't have done it and how wrong it is, because I don't need it.
I will continue to take Drugs, should I feel the need in the future, and will probably only stop when I have a scare.
I'm not what people would stereotype as a "Druggie". I'm clean, don't smell or live like a tramp, and I have a job.
Don't judge me by this admission or pass sentence, you don't me. Instead reflect on your own life and see if you can be as honest with yourself as I am.
I can't change what I've done and wouldn't want to. It's been fun and stops when it's fun no more.