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So I'm here,
So I'm here,
at least for tonight, writing an introspective blog entry, and now writing about writing, and so on. I think I hide in circles of abstraction. I'm not quite sure what I'm hiding from. Perhaps the fact that I'm interested also in sex. That I have a wordless, animal side to me. Parts of me want that side to be seen by others. Parts of me just wants it to go away.
I doubt I'll come out as very attractive this way. Intellectualizing. Complaining. Being self-absorbed. Then again, I tend to doubt that I am attractive in any way, although I know somewhere inside me that I am. Putting myself forward as attractive... that's one of the things I'm afraid of.
No more than two paragraphs written, and already I observe that I'm being even more personal than I had planned. But I got this anonymity to hide behind, so I can live with that.
This way of handling things, intellectualizing, analyzing... it is, of course, a strategy for self-defence. (Against, whatever it is I'm hiding from. Putting myself forward as attractive, maybe.) But it's also very close to the way I normally am, and that's really ok.
I need something to change. Something about my emotional life, my romantic and sexual feelings and how I handle them. That much is certain. Nothing else is.
Maybe monologues such as this can help me bring that change about. Maybe being at this site can. I don't have great expectations, there are a lot of people here, and I don't really know how to make myself noted, but even observing how I'm not noted could be valuable. There I go again. Taking my lack of attractivenes for granted.
Well! At least I'm fairly certain that I do have a body. There's no denying that.