The devil is in the details  

rm_connor696 60M
944 posts
8/30/2005 8:55 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The devil is in the details

I recall reading something by a bloke who claimed that you should never reply to a declaration of love by asking, "Why?" His point wasn't that such a response is kinda tacky. I guess it is, but I can also think of situations where I might be, um, suspicious.

Instead, he went on to talk about the contigency of so many of the particulars on which people might peg their love. I for one don't want to be told that a woman loves me because I remind her of her father. What's that got to do with me? The color of my eyes isn't any better. What if I get cataracts? I'm somewhat uneasy even when I'm told that I'm loved for my mind. After all, there's so much in anyone's mind that never sees the light of day.

Of course, the alternative--"unconditional" love--seems fishy, too. If there's no possible deal breaker, if I could lose any one or set of my qualities and you would still love me, then why love me rather than someone else?

So I guess the point is that we all know we're loved for certain, specifiable reasons, but just maybe we should never ask what they are, since to do so makes the love feel more iffy, more . . . well, trivial.

And what goes for love goes for lust, too. You're turned on by my pectorals and my nipple rings? But that's not me; that's just decoration. You get hot when I wear that shirt? Fine, then, have sex with the shirt. Maybe that sounds silly, but I actually experienced something along those lines with my ex-wife. I loved (and still love) her beyond words. But she was/is strictly a jeans and T-shirt woman. Now that's fine; I'm generally pretty casual myself. But I also understand what it is to occasionally dress in a way that both expresses your own feeling of desirability and conveys to your partner your desire to be desirable to her or him. My ex's stance was always that I should fine her desirable, just her in and of herself. The dress was just something she put on--and could take off. (And there I was, hoping that she would put on and then take off the imaginary dress.

Of course, I didn't want to make love to a dress. I wanted to see her in a dress, advertising her own sense of desirability instead of trying to deflect lecherous gazes--which unfortunately included my own.

And there's the irony. I can see how learning of your lover's particular likes might seem to lessen the focus on you. "She [or he] likes my voice, but I'm not my voice." At the same time, learning those specifics can allow you to learn the other's language of arousal. It's much easier to swim in the sea of love if you know what floats your lover's boat.

Oyoyoy. Life is complicated!

Good night, my friends, and may someone look at you with a glint of lust tomorrow.

wynterswhym 55F
51 posts
8/31/2005 6:20 am

I, for one, do not believe in "love at first sight" or even second, third or fourth sight. Let's face it, initial attraction is more primal then that,lust. Lust takes many turns and twists on the way to love. Lust becomes desire, need. It can manifest it's self into frustration, anxiety and sometimes even anger. It can also produce that wonderful "top of the roller coaster feeling" that lasts all day. IMHO Lust is too often mistaken for love. Love is what happens over time, when you suddenly realize that when asked "why" you have no answer. You don't love the other for any particular reason, you just know you do.

rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
9/1/2005 8:10 am

I used to love some one unconditionally (still do), but there comes a time when you have to love yourself more if you want to survive them, and I can't compare to his love for meth, there is no point in trying.

Goldenhairgodess 63F
396 posts
9/1/2005 10:59 pm

I agree with wynterswhym;
Love and Lust are often confused as being one in the same. But love
takes time. As for the "why", the same reasons given are often the
same reasons a couple split up. For example-the movie Mrs. Doutfire.
She was attracted to him because he was funny and never seem to
worry and made her laugh. But when he carried that behavior to
raising their children, that trait became a negative to her.

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