Conditional honesty  

rm_connor696 60M
944 posts
8/26/2005 12:46 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Conditional honesty

No one likes a weasel. Even those of us who were willing to cut Clinton some slack winced when he said the truth of an answer depended on the meaning of the word "is."

So I have to be honest: I get a funny feeling in my gut--the adult equivalent of a child's "bad-touch" feeling--when I encouter married people who who visit this site looking for contacts, of whatever sort, without their spouses' knowledge. For one thing, the whole point of this site seems to me to be the freedom to be who you are, so to predicate that on a lie strikes me as not just ironic but heartbreakingly wrong.

Of course, I realize the long and hoary tradition of lying to get what you want. I'm reminded of it each time an election rolls around. To such people I have nothing to say beyond asking them to leave me alone.

But a lot of the married people seem truly tortured, driven to desperate straits by some deep hurt or intolerable situation. And I understand how circumstance and allegiances can drive you to act in ways that, all things being equal, you would not otherwise have choosen. How many people have stayed in a marriage to provide a stable environment for their children? Too many, I'm afraid.

I say too many because I can't help but think that the children don't profit. I'm reminded of a myth about King Midas--you know, the one who had the golden touch for a while. In this other myth he offends Apollo by voting against him in a musical contest. Apollo avenges himself by giving Midas the ears of an ass. Midas takes to wearing a hat, but his barber knows the secret. Unable to contain himself, the barber digs a hole and blurts the information into the ground. Grass grows and whispers the secret to the wind; the wind, to the birds; the bird, to the frogs; and the frogs, to a man blessed with the gift of understanding animals. And so the truth comes out.

I tend to think it always must be so in such situations, if not in substance, then at least in absence: you can feel it when there is no love in the house. The children must pick up on that, even if they don't know exactly what they are feeling. And that can be as bad as any physical separation.

And yet, and yet, and yet.

Don't I do the same thing? I've told none of my friends that I've signed onto this site. I've told them nothing about my sexuality, for I don't want to lose their friendship. And I would lose it, at least in some cases. I know that because it has happened. In any event, I certainly don't run around naked in the public sphere, which is precisely what I did when I first set up my AdultFriendFinder profile--"Hey, look at me! I'm naked, 'cuz I can be naked here!" So how am I different from a cheating spouse? Am I not choosing to be conditionally honest, honest here but not there?

Sometimes I think we have this notion that we are or should be single, inflexible persons, invariant across all situations. But maybe that's not realistic. Maybe we are several people inhabiting several worlds both serially and simultaneously. Perfect integration might be a wonderful ideal to pursue but an impossible goal to realize. I still tend to think that lying to a spouse violates an important responsibility, but maybe that's because I think that marriage is an important responsibility: a very central box, if you will. Maybe others don't see it that way. Maybe their boxes are aligned in a different hierarchy.

So maybe there's no such thing as honesty across the board. Maybe there is only "honest-in-this-sphere" and "honest-in-that sphere." That sounds so crass and weasely. But does any of us act otherwise? And would the world be better or worse if we tried to do so?

I honestly don't know.

rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
8/26/2005 2:15 pm

hmm, dunno, i think people who cheat on their spouses at the end of the day lack "guts" and it only perpetuates the image of monogamy which needs challenging, IMNSHO ...

[blog freelove999]

Philosophy_N_Sex 49M/47F

8/26/2005 2:16 pm

Interesting point. honestly in certain realms.

lie to protect, because human needs overwhelm.

alot to digest..

Theflinkychick 105F

8/27/2005 5:14 pm

You always give me something to think about. I like plain spoken people and I seldom hide my personal life, but that is changing. I see the perceptions of the people arounding me changing as I change. I find it odd as I understand that there are some who liked me better when I was more confused. My search for clarity of thought and peace with and in myself seems to have disquieted some. I find myself less open with them, is that conditional honesty?

Not all who wander are lost.

wynterswhym 55F
51 posts
8/29/2005 6:23 am

Sexuality in any form is something that American society is not ready to accept. We hide it. We make assumptions given one's appearance or demeanor. "He must be gay". "She's alittle masculine". "They just seem odd". Society judges by ones sexuality. Myself, it depends on where you know me from, what your assumption of my sexuality is. To some I am the mild mannered "Ms. PTO". When a tattoo of mine was noticed at a ballgame, it was the talk of the school *L*. If you know me in my professional life, you assume I yeild a whip and have a closet full of leather. Know me from my hobby, my passion and you know that all of the above have a bit of truth to them. But, it is there that I am myself. Those that know me in that venue have the closest perception of who I am. Sensual, caring, open, I do not like labels, if asked I will say I am "sexual". But, still I don't discuss my sex life as openly as I trade recipes for brownies. Why is it such a secret who I sleep with? Then again, why is it such a fascination to those around me? As professional people we have to maintain a level of appropriatness (sp?), this means we cannot always be open in our sexuality. Is this a lie? No, it is information shared on a need to know basis. Perhaps one day society will change, though I doubt it. So we seek out those that share our thinking on sights like this. Are you better, different, the same then a married person on this sight. Not sure, everyone has their reasons, and each reason is as personal and individual as the poster. It's not my place to judge anyone but myself.

rm_Cruiser869 57M
2 posts
8/29/2005 9:39 pm man!

Goldenhairgodess 63F
396 posts
9/1/2005 11:19 pm

If you agreed to an exclusive arrangement with someone-weather in
marriage or otherwise, then sneak around behind their backs-that is
a breach of contract-weather by legal papers(marriage)or by verbal
contract. But when it pertains to those around us, I think you are
confusing acquantences (sp?) with friendships. There is nothing bad
about having your privacy with regards to your private personal life.

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