If you can't say something nice...  

rm_chislut 42F
1534 posts
7/7/2006 6:31 am

Last Read:
8/2/2006 9:52 am

If you can't say something nice...

WHY do people go out of their way to say things to make another person feel badly? I mean, really, if it's gonna take all that effort to do it, why not just say nothing at all and let it go?

I have accounts all over the damn web. Apparently, if you're *PSYCHO* and have WAY too much time on your hands, you can track down my various accounts. (Wondering how much time it took this guy to do that.)

Anyway. I have accounts/profiles on match and on my space (along with quite a few other sites.) This morning I got an email on my space which just ruined my day. He, the sender, berated me for the activities I've been engaging in and posting about here. Now, understand, I do NOT feel bad about myself or about what I've been up to. He says in his email "you're not garbage." Yeah, no shit I'm not, fuckhead. (Oops, did I say that out loud?) But I find it extremely depressing that someone would take all this time to track me down to a site where they could write to me for free -- cheapass -- and then write a LONG email telling me how disturbed I am. I KNOW that a lot of people out there would/do disapprove of my choices. Do they need to tell me about it? I'm bordering on atheism. Do I go track down religious people and tell them what a huge mistake they're making with their life wasting them time on such nonsense? (For those of you reading who ARE religious, no that's not how I feel about it/you. I could be wrong and you could be right and EVEN IF I'm right and you're wrong, I don't see what right I would have to try to make you feel badly. That would just make me MEAN.)

Why do my posts always end up so much longer than I expect them to when I start them?

So, here's the letter I got from Joe Kickass, who according to his profile there is a 30 year old guy from Chicago, on my space.

Oh, and the line he mentions about my mentioning sex in my G-rated profile is this: "I love talking about and reading about sex. (I want to say "in an intellectual way", but that sounds so pretentious and I can't think of a better way to say it... oh, well, guess I said "intellectual" anyway.) Do NOT take that as an invitation to send me crude come-ons. However, also realize that if the topic of sex makes you uncomfortable, I will probably make you uncomfortable sooner or later."

Date: Jul 6, 2006 10:48 PM
Subject: Concern

I felt compelled enough to sign-up on this website just to write you. I actually saw your profile on Match and thought we had a lot in common (hobbies, music, interests, religion (well, lack of believing in it), etc.). You were very articulate (it's better than the typical profiles that are written all in caps and broken English), and of course, I thought you looked very attractive. But, I got to the paragraph about the sex discussion, which I thought was unusual. That kind of stopped me in my tracks, but I still kept your profile in mind just in case I changed my mind.

Being the pessimist that I am, I actually look on other websites and do other searches on the Internet to see if the same people that I'd like to write have profiles elsewhere (also, it is free to write people on some of these other websites). Many of these websites are written poorly enough that I could just pull up all the content and photos without even logging in. I also think Match.com sucks as far the content they're asking members to input... most people cannot even string a few sentences together let alone fill in all of the blank areas the websites leave for text. Now, I mentioned pessimist since I actually look for a little more than what people want to share on Match. I have already had a few experiences where the women I was in contact with (or dated) were completely different than who they claimed to be. I don't even want to waste my time on someone that cannot be honest with me from the beginning.

Well, as it turned out, I saw a profile on Match.com that somewhat matched up to what you had posted on Match. I at first thought you posted a profile as a joke, but I was shocked at what you have been doing... so much so that it made me feel really bad for you. Even though we don't know one another at all (although, it is possible since I'm right around Park Ridge), I could see that you do not realize what you're getting into... you might not even understand why you want to be involved with those activities. By no means do I think are you probably going to listen to anything I say, but you are really damaging yourself and your future by getting involved with those cold, meaningless relationships. You've probably kept what you are involved in secret from your friends (the people on AdultFriendFinder aren't your friends) and family. A good hint is if it is something that you're too embarrassed or ashamed about to even talk about it with your family. You really need to speak with someone to get some help, so you can have a future with a guy (not me... I'm writing you out of concern and that is all) that will respect you, take care of you, and love you. The more you are involved physically with other guys the more distant you will be from finding a "good" guy and being able to sustain a lasting relationship with him. It is easy to be sold on relationships with nothing more than physical involvement, but after it is over you are left with nothing on the emotional level except emptiness.

There will always be plenty of guys interested in being with you for one night, but if you don't stop you'll end up being in your 40s/50s alone and only with the experience of being with guys that only cared about you until they were done with you for the night and long gone. You are not garbage, and you cannot continue to let your dignity and respect continue to diminish because of ill contrived fantasies. And, even though you are saying you are "safe" when you get involved in these activities, you are not (especially when you are in contact with any bodily fluids). You are putting your health and safety in jeopardy every time you get together with any of those guys. Eventually, someone has to lose at Russian Roulette.

Even though you're more than capable of finding one, if you want, I can suggest a therapist that you could speak with about all of this. I can tell by your writings that there is much more inside of emotionally than maybe even you realize. I know you're an adult and can do whatever you choose to do (it's your right). All I know is that if I had a friend that looked out for me when I was getting myself involved in a destructive situation, I would be very grateful that they were there for me when I didn't know I needed them.

Sorry that I was intrusive, but I just got really concerned. If you want to reply, rant, ask me something, etc.; that is fine with me. Otherwise, I won't be contacting you again. I hope everything for you turns out well.


Ok, this is too long, so I'm going to post what I wrote to him in response -- I couldn't help myself! -- in a response post to my own blog post.

Dammit, my day is ruined and it's only 8:30 a.m.

rm_chislut 42F
710 posts
7/7/2006 6:32 am

Here's what I wrote back to him:

Who the fuck do you think you are?

I don't know why you might have even thought for a second we might be compatible since my mentioning that I like to talk about sex freaked you out. A bit repressed, maybe? You should see a therapist if talking about sex -- especially JUST in a sociological/scientific -- makes you that uncomfortable. That's really unhealthy.

I'm assuming you know what I've "been doing" from reading my blog on AdultFriendFinder. I *do* find it a little odd that someone so uncomfortable with the topic of sex would even be ON AdultFriendFinder... another indication that you're conflicted about your sexuality?

These aren't "cold, meaningless relationships" because they're not "relationships." Well, at least not any more so than the "relationship" I have with my accountant or my opthamologist. And, actually, you're wrong about my keeping this a secret! LOL! Most of my friends know. My mother and my sister know. Though not *details* but only because they don't *want* to know those -- and I know that because they've told me. Same with my coworkers. How much do YOUR friends and family know about your sexual activities and fantasies, btw? Mine know that I go to a weekly BDSM munch (google it if you don't know what that is.)

I guess you're not aware of the fact that there are people out there VERY different from you. I won't be able to find a guy who can respect and love me? First, who says that's what I want? I have some fabulous women friends in their 60s and 70s who have never been married and are extraordinarily happy with their lives. I'm not saying you *can't* be married and have that kind of happiness, but it's absolutely not necessary. I also have an extremely close and tight-knit group of friends AND extended family. The only way I'd be "alone" in my 40s/50s is, I suppose, if some sort of plague wiped all of those people out and I was somehow miraculously spared. Anyway, second, there ARE guys who not only wouldn't mind my past, but would find it a PLUS. I have the feeling you won't believe that because YOU don't feel that way and it's unlikely you've spoken directly to people who have told you that they do feel that way. If you want to get an idea of the variety of people out there and the types of relationships that are possible, check out Alt.com, too. And, yes, I know people in HAPPY polyamorous relationships, also.

Even if I was a virgin, though, I would never EVER fall in love nor commit myself to the type of man who would hold that against me or against any woman.

You're DAMNED right I'm not garbage! Which is why I'm so offended that you're writing to me as if I were. Would you have this horrible opinion of me if I were a guy? Uhm, NO! I realize that everyone has their own prejudices but I think it's useful to be aware of them. You're sexist. Another thing you might want to talk to your therapist about.

As far as being "safe" -- don't be a complete idiot. The only "safe" sex is sex with yourself. And come to think of it, with some of those cheap vibrators and other toys out there, that comes with potential hazards, too. I suppose I could be more PC and say "safer" sex.

I'd love to know what "I can tell by your writings that there is much more inside of emotionally than maybe even you realize" means, btw.

I am so completely enraged at your audacity and judgementalness (is that a word?) I don't even know how to express it. I think I'm most upset by the fact that you just ASSUME that I even WANT to find "the one." That all I would ever want in this world above ALL else, including physical pleasure would be "a guy that will respect you, take care of you, and love you." TAKE CARE OF ME? What century IS this? Uhm, thanks, I can do that myself.

Oh yeah, I wanted to ask, how exactly being "physical" with other guys would keep me from being able to "sustain a lasting relationship"? What's the connection?

I really am interested in your response to all of this. Unlike you, I'm actually interested in how people other than me think. And please include a photo. That's only fair considering you've seen MORE than enough of me, don't you think? (If I was so *ashamed* of what I've been doing, why would I have my photo out there???)

(and I signed my first name to the bottom).

rm_onlineparty 33M
23 posts
7/7/2006 7:41 am

That is a bit far on his side to go and look up everything he could about you, like what web sites you go onto(Being more then 1), and then writeing you something like that, sound like a stalker and if I was you I would be careful about it. Someone who goes out of thier way that much has sometype of abseasian over you. Now for the part that he wrote about you, he just had no right to say those thing with out realy nowing who your are. That something that should be said from a familey member or a friend that has corcerns about you. ( But like you said they aready know about this and have no problem with it), You realy should not wrote anything back to him, it just give a sicko more to absease about,but im sure you did it out of angry and just feeling violated. As your Title of this blog says "If you cant say something nice..." World would be alot better but then there would not be as much for people to gossip about .

absolutelynormal 56F
6563 posts
7/7/2006 9:52 am

I tried to respond to this this morning but my computer locked up on me. One of the things that I like about you is that you do your own thing and you don't care who likes it, I think it's an admirable trait, one I wish I had more of. You have this kiss my ass attitude in your head, but you don't usually tell people off. I am glad that you fired back at this "boy". How dare he say that no one here is your friend. I'm offended by that. You and I "get" each other, even though neither of us really understands how the other can operate sexually, lol! You're a wildchild and I am extremely tame, we're each our own person and accept each other as such, and respect each other too. He's a goober, pay him no mind and go about your business. Mac

rm_chislut replies on 7/7/2006 10:31 am:
Thanks. Yeah, how DARE he insult the people I've been interacting with! Damn. Another thing for me to get riled up about. **stamping feet and shaking my fist in the air**

I've said this before, but I really DO understand that not everyone else is like me. How boring would that be?! You're right that I don't really understand how you can NOT think about sex the same way I do, I *certainly* don't think that there's anything WRONG with you because of it! To me that would be the same as thinking that someone is WRONG because they don't like the same foods I like. I hate green peppers and love onions and my bestest friend is the opposite. Actually, that makes living in the world together more, not less, convenient. We eat what the other picks out and discards.

That was a wierd analogy, but I think it makes my point anyway.

MoonRise9 58M

7/7/2006 11:06 am

"WHY do people go out of their way to say things to make another person feel badly? I mean, really, if it's gonna take all that effort to do it, why not just say nothing at all and let it go?"

Chi -
Some men are jerks and angry that you're not their perfect fantasy.
Some men know they don't have a chance with you, given your differences, so hope to rescue you from your "sins" expecting you may then fall into their arms?
Some men and women are just plain weird.

I've read all of your blog - back to the beginning. I read your profile. I like you. I like your attitude. I like your words. I don't expect to date you as I live far away and am much older, though I'd be curious to meet/know you if we lived closer. I was surprised at your gangbang post, and chose not to respond/vote/whatever as it's something outside my experience and comfort zone. I was concerned for your safety, but realized my concern came from my own insecurites and inexperience.

I still like you and like your attitude. So I guess I'm not like the "some men and women" I mentioned above.

rm_chislut replies on 7/7/2006 12:05 pm:
Thank you. See? That makes perfect sense to me that if you (or anyone) were uncomfortable with or didn't understand the appeal of the gangbang thing or ANYTHING else I've posted that you'd just keep away from it.

Why would anyone go through all that effort just to critisize? It makes no sense to me. Or maybe that just goes to show how lazy I really am.

And, just FYI, people who like me are my favorite kinds of people.

Kristofer32 46M

7/7/2006 12:13 pm


Take to heart what online party had to say...this guy sounds like a total stalker. Honestly, I thought I was the only person exposed to the extremely limited, narrowmindedness shown by said guy. It sounds to me like you put a little too much effort into dressing him down...hell he may have only gone to extremes because he is the type that thrives on conflict. A swift kick in the sack would have been so much more in line with what he did to you because chances are some person like he is will likely not even comprehend your response to his dimwitted email.

Keep on partying and I hope you find and experience EVERYTHING you can. Keep on writing so those of us in the asshole of the world can try to live vicariously through the "do-ers" like you.


rm_chislut replies on 7/7/2006 7:44 pm:
This is probably not so nice of me, but it makes me feel better to know that *guys* get disapproving emails, too!

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Wordsmith2004 36M
7233 posts
7/7/2006 4:33 pm

Why do my posts always end up so much longer than I expect them to when I start them?

Because you think too much sweetie.....

....like me!

See, you should let me finish for crissakes!!

Seriously, I think you should spare that poor "glorified sprem" some thought wattage...I wonder if it's tax deductible?

Conserve Water and Prevent Global Warming: Shower With A MILF!

rm_chislut replies on 7/7/2006 7:42 pm:
I wouldn't have to think so much if other people in this world did THEIR share of thinking. I'm positive about that. Geesh!

Word -- I love when you post comments to my blog. Most of the time I have no CLUE what you're saying, but your bum makes me smile. Yes, you have a "bum" -- not an ass and not a butt. A bum.

Mermaidslut 49F

7/7/2006 5:42 pm

Stalker material without question. Especially since he implied he "might" know you, by naming a location that appears to be something where you might have actually come into contact with each other?

I would report that to your ISP, and ask them to investigate how he was able to find out so much about you on your different profiles, unless you yourself have included info that is searchable on all your profiles.

((hugs)) your not alone in thinking this person over stepped their bounderies and landed on your toes!

rm_chislut replies on 7/7/2006 7:34 pm:
I have no logical basis for it, but for some reason I do trust that he doesn't know me. Park Ridge is my hometown, which is listed in most of my profiles. And, I don't think he really knows *that* much about me. At least I can trace everything to two profiles, plus the one on my space. It's not so much that it would be *difficult* to track me down as it's weird to spend the *time* it would take to do so.

I want to say thank you (and everyone else) for your concern though. It makes me feel better.

cheddarguy60 56M
50 posts
7/8/2006 7:58 am

I read his e-mail twice, and each time I heard the words in the voice of actor Roddy McDowell in some sort of pseudo Southern mama's boy mode. All soft and comforting until the meat axe comes out (or he whips out his momma's burial dress he'd like for you to wear during sex ...).

The guy has issues, might well be a stalker, or worse - is one of those guys on the web who has a bad day and likes to lob a grenade in someone's lap to share the angst, and is otherwise happy as a pig in crap to mess with someone's mind, and not care about the impact.

I'm not sure that NO reply would not have been a better tactic, since he now knows he frosted your gourd! You might want to complain about him to the respective boards he is on. Just mention stalker and they'll think lawsuit and probably block his access.

Hang in there, babe! Librarians are made of stern stuff!

rm_BigBryan63 53M
17 posts
7/8/2006 9:19 am

Chislut, So you didn't send him an invite to the gang bang? I think he really wanted to be part of it. Why else would he take the time to write a letter like that unless he was upset? Most of your friends here can respect your sexual choices and don't have a problem with you at all. I think you may have a cyber stalker on your hands. Please report him and document his comment to AdultFriendFinder.

I guess some people still think women don't need or want sex like men do.

Anyway I could write a longer comment if I had time. Take care and keep doing what you do best.
Your friend,
Bryan aka TTM

Wordsmith2004 36M
7233 posts
7/9/2006 3:51 pm

"Word -- I love when you post comments to my blog."

Okay, now tell me something I DON'T know!!

"your bum makes me smile. Yes, you have a "bum" -- not an ass and not a butt. A bum."

Really?? What's the difference? Oooh, it must be somehow connected to the level of lust that each creates...strictly scientifically speaking, of course.

So "bum" is what? An 11 on a 10-point scale? lol

Oh yeah, and chew on this...

Wordy: Writer, Actor, Blogger, Eccentric Smartass....and now GIGOLO??

Conserve Water and Prevent Global Warming: Shower With A MILF!

cheddarguy60 56M
50 posts
7/12/2006 10:01 am

I'm always amazed at how folks can come to a place like AdultFriendFinder and all they want to do is dump on people, or try to control them (and not in the BDSM way), or screw with their day, their lifestyle, their life, or even fantasies.

I don't think it has anything to do with religion, conservative vs liberal, or even what size undershorts they wear. It stems from their very narrow, very warped little brains that are maxed out when trying to, as someone noted, choke the old chicken by the lumination of their Winnie the Pooh night light.

CS, you've got my vote for AdultFriendFinder member of the year!

moreisgood44 72M
1 post
7/31/2006 3:33 pm


You know what you want and let's have fun getting it together....

Congrats for being a librarian that really knows how to find what SHE wants.

You look beautiful and exciting. My business circles are full of successful businessmen. May I show you off as you wish?
Let's tease to please....OK?


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