The Bastard on the Couch  

rm_cele2flowers 42F
118 posts
8/27/2005 12:46 am

Last Read:
1/28/2015 5:21 am

The Bastard on the Couch

This is somewhat of a follow up or sequel to the post I made about tips for first dates. In the short time I was married (2 years, 2 months, and 2 weeks), I lived as the wife of the bastard on the couch. So, I though I'd give some tips on how men can make their marriage end.

1.Your version of quality time in the evening on weeknights is to sit on opposite sides of the room silently watching tv all night and viewing only the programs that you enjoy watching. If she commandeers the remote control, leave the room to go read or play on your computer.

2.Don't go out on dates very often. Use the excuse that “we just can't afford it this week” but 2 or 3 days later, go and buy a $50 computer part, car part, toy, etc. It's okay because you need it for work or for your ongoing job hunt, though it can't actually be taken off your taxes as a work expense because, well, it's never used for work.

3.Your computer, car, collection, whatever is your biggest and most expensive hobby, is shopped for at the highest quality stores. Your wife, on the other hand, is only good enough for the Wal Mart jewelry case. She's damn lucky she has the wedding ring that she has. Besides, who is going to be embarrassed of wearing something this gaudy that doesn't match a single piece of clothing in her closet/dresser?

4.When you're not at work or sleeping, you have to spend every single second with her. Shower with her, go shopping with her, especially the grocery store and make impulse buys to drive her grocery bill up, make her go shopping with you, take her to run small errands. Remember, she's your arm candy and you gotta show her off to the entire world every chance you get, especially since she's probably your only saving grace.

5.Complain that you don't have sex enough. Also complain that she makes it a chore and just lays there like a log during the entire act. You know what you're doing. You've watched plenty of porn movies to know how women are really suppose to act in bed. When she complains that you're a 60 second man, use the excuse that you don't have sex often enough. As I said, you're the master in the bedroom, not only do you know everything there is to know about sex, you also know that you truly have no control over the fact that you can't last very long. There really isn't anything you can do about it and that's the end of that.

6.Never doing anything romantic for your wife. Don't buy flowers. If she asks, use the excuse that the pets might get them, or they don't last very long. Besides, if she needs or wants romance, she can do all of that herself.

7. Become jealous when she mentions in conversations an ex-boyfriend or single men that she knows. Also make sure to accuse her of having an affair. Since you can't keep tabs on her while you're at work, she must be out fucking some other guy.

8.Don't volunteer to ever make dinner. Even if it's your day off, but she has to work. She'll make dinner for you both after she gets home from an 8 hour work day. Use the excuses that she won't eat what you make or she didn't tell you to make something. She doesn't like surprises and has probably been planning dinner all day while at work.

9.Break a promise you may have made to her at the time you were married. Like moving somewhere where she would have a better career opportunity. Also, you eventually start to notice that your days at your current workplace are numbered, not because of your performance, but because your customer base is shrinking and soon they won't be able to pay your salary. But that's okay, things will be alright. When asked how you're doing getting your resume done, explain that you're busy, though every night after work the first thing you do is turn on the tv and not move from your spot until it's time to go to bed. Finally, when your parents and in-laws start asking how your job search is going, make your wife look like the liar. You're the good guy here. It's everyone else that has the problem.

10.Make illegal copies of software that you borrow from work or friends. Go ballistic if your wife downloads any music from the internet. God forbid, the FBI may be watching every single download that happens on the internet.

11. Make your wife beg for anything she really wants. Make lude suggestions for certain
"favors" in exchange for something she wants.

12. Have an excuse for everything. Be able to write at least one book on excuses for different things. You're not lazy, but you can come up with an excuse for everything.

13. When your wife finally leaves you, go through your bank account statements and check book. Add up all the money you ever gave her or paid for general medical costs, a credit card payment, or just money to insure that checks don't bounce when bills are paid. Make sure she knows how much money she cost you during your marriage. Don't take into consideration that your clothes were always clean, even though you hadn't been in the laundry room for quite a long time. Also, conveniently forget that you had dinner waiting for you when you came home from work about 75% of the time. Finally, don't remember that you almost never had to hand wash the dishes anymore, you had a dishwasher–your wife.

This is just my experience. I'm sure there are many many other things that could be added to this list.

rm_VoodooGuru1 49M
2053 posts
8/27/2005 8:24 am

This sounds like the behavior of one who is utterly insane... I mean, a lot of these things contradict each other.

rm_cele2flowers 42F
75 posts
8/27/2005 9:01 am

I dunno if this is really insanity. Seemed more like "me first" thinking to me.


8/27/2005 4:59 pm

It sounds like someone who has a inferiority complex and thinks making his wife the smaller person is the way to make himself a better person. Personally, those poeple just show me that they have no clue what life is about and don't deserve a good woman. Sure, I've got a nice car, I have a computer, and I like to watch TV, but hey, they make DVR's, and the car doesn't need alot of work, and I work on a computer enough at work. I'm not one to buy alot of gifts or flowers all the time, but when the mood strikes... I also believe in breakfast in bed, very nice way to start a weekend
I guess it's a good thing I don't have an ego that needs to be inflated, it leaves room for me to make other people feel good, whihc comes back 10 fold.

MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
8/29/2005 3:09 pm

You know, I never would have lasted two years with someone like this. I would have lasted all of 6 months before I made headlines for killing him and dumping his body in the woods somewhere.

BIHotandPlayful 59M/45F
107 posts
8/30/2005 8:06 pm

That Scum Sucking S.O.B is still alive? Burning that Bastard @ the Stake would have been too good for him...


lonelyheart6143 55F
1 post
9/2/2005 12:33 pm

So many things you have listed are my life as I live it. After 18 months of being Emotionally disconnected i have had it. Treated like a slut or prostitute. This is not the person I met, but the person he became soon after vows were taken. No kissing nor romance even when asked for. I Love yous, passed up even when asked for by saying - "you know I love you why do I have to keep telling you"? "Dressing up" for him means wasted effort because there is little desire and no libido until it is HIS idea. SO many things alike wiht your experience it is scary - Glad you were able to get out! I am still stuck searching for a way out.

rm_Cptn_Kink 64M
6 posts
9/3/2005 3:50 pm

60 seconds? - LUXURY!!!!!!!! - hehehe

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