Going back in time  

rm_bucfannn 61M/60F
1805 posts
5/10/2006 5:59 am

Last Read:
5/17/2006 8:19 pm

Going back in time

I woke up this morning, feeling sort of sick. I had a dream, (nightmare, more specifically), about my ex-husband. Now, it's been over seven years since I've been divorced. I've seen him a few times since then, the latest being a couple of months ago.

No, I didn't seek him out. He stopped over here to ask me if I wanted to go out to breakfast.

I honestly don't know what his problem is. He's a strange one. Strange as in odd. I've moved on and up, and he still prefers to live in the past. He wanted to talk about our divorce. What it did to him. How it affected him. Why he did what he did.

He even had tears in his eyes.

Big fucking deal.

Uhhhhhhhhhh... do I look like I really give a shit?

Before I go on, let me 'splain. I am the one that initiated the divorce. I was the one that filed the papers. I was the one that had had enough.

He was willing to continue on, even though EVERY SINGLE DAY was an effort.

Not me.


My ex-stupid is an alcoholic. I honestly didn't know until AFTER we married. He was the type that EVERYONE liked. The life of the party. People always thought that he was the funniest when loaded.

Not me.


I thought he was an asshole when drunk. I didn't find him amusing in the least. I would get all kinds of pissed off when I would have to drive home from wherever, and he would be passed out in the passenger seat. I couldn't even have a beverage, because I knew I would be the one behind the wheel of the car.

I managed a little boutique in a mall in St. Pete. I worked a lot of hours, and one night, I decided to stay down at my family's instead of driving home, since I was so tired, and I just couldn't drive the forty miles. So I called stupid. He was fine with it.

So, I go to bed. Around 3a.m., the phone rings. Now, you know DAMN well, that when the phone rings in the middle of the night, it's never good news.

This was no exception.

It was stupid. He had an accident. Hit a telephone pole. He was, "uhhhhhhhh, just a little drunk."

Is there such a thing? A little drunk? Does it really fucking matter?

Drunk is drunk.

So, I rouse my father and we drive up. My car is literally wrapped around a telephone pole. In any other circumstances, the driver would have been dead. But, not a drunk.

And, by the way, he wasn't a "little drunk". He was reeling. I felt sick. We had been married not quite three months.

Luckily for him, there was only ONE FL. State Trooper on duty in the county. It took her three hours to get to the scene. Too much time had passed for him to get sobriety tests run. She said to me, he was extremely lucky, as she would have "thrown his ass in jail".

So, my car is trashed. And, I come to the realization that he's got a problem with alcohol. We got into it that day, when he sobered up. He actually quit drinking for a while. Life was ok.

Then, he started again. The years passed. It got to the point that I couldn't even stand being in the same room with him. If he smelled like alcohol, I was completely repulsed. I'd sleep in the guest room.

Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. Believe it or not, the sound of his breathing made me sick. I had dreams of murdering him. I'm not kidding, I'm really not. We stopped talking except when it was absolutely necessary.

I was sick of living the way I was. And besides, I hated his fucking guts.

Divorce scared me. I didn't want to fail. I wasn't afraid to be on my own, but, I didn't want to be looked at with pity. Alone at 42. Not a nice visual.

But, I just couldn't keep the charade going. And, that's what it was. A total and complete charade. We were pretty well living separate lives. I still honored my marriage vows. He didn't. I really didn't give a rat's ass. He wasn't getting any from me, anyway. And, if I ever did give in, all he got from me was oral. I just couldn't bear for him to touch me. Besides me hating his guts, he was about the worst I ever had in bed.

But, that's another story in itself.

So, finally, I totally wise up. I file for divorce. It goes through without a hitch. I'm free.

One thing about me. I don't drink. I've had three beers in the last seven years. I just stopped the day of my divorce. Not that I was a big drinker, or anything. But, it just wasn't for me. I don't do bars, either. I, to this day, hate being around stupid people. And people that drink usually act pretty damn stupid.

And, I won't date anyone that drinks more than normal. One or two is ok. You know, a light social type of drinker. But, the minute someone gets shitfaced, I'm outta there. I don't find drunks amusing. I find them pretty pathetic, as a matter of fact. And, the worst are the melancholy drunks. My skin just CRAWLS when I listen to them ramble on and on. But, I digress...

So anyway, he was in my dream. I don't remember the dream itself, but, I do remember being pissed off in it. So, naturally, I woke up pissed off. Then I start thinking. Not a good thing to do when pissed Why did I stay married for 16 years? I don't know. I really don't. We can't change the past, that's for sure.

But, we sure as shit can change the future... and, I did...

HeardLankaMalls 55M
2925 posts
5/10/2006 8:01 am

Nice story Fann. You persevered through a lot, then changed things to make you happy.

Hugs, C

rm_bucfannn replies on 5/10/2006 11:45 am:
I lost myself, Cor. During those times. Happily, I found me again. And, you know what? I like me

fantasylover_05 62M

5/10/2006 8:24 am

I have been "shitfaced" exactly once in my life.. the night of my bachelor party.... decided right then I did not like the feelings.. I need to be in control of my faculties....

Sorry you had to endure that.. but now you are free and it sounds like you are indeed "enjoying" your freedom!

I would not mind... ahem... "enjoying it with you"!!!

You go Girl!!!!

rm_bucfannn replies on 5/10/2006 11:46 am:
Yea, sweetie... shitfaced is not cool. Did it myself with that one beer a few months ago, and I didn't like how I felt...

You know, you're always welcome in my little part of FL

rm_JohnMacLaine 50M
585 posts
5/10/2006 8:46 am

Fann, nice story, I admire you for what you did. As the son of an alcoholic, and what with the history of my ex and her seriously alcoholic mother, I can relate to what you went through. I abhore those that indulge to extremes, and Ido not likebeing around them either. I avoid them, I dont talk o them, and I sure as hell would not get into a car with them, I would rather walk.

kuddos to you girl for being strong..


"I can retain neither respect or affection for a government which has been moving from wrong to wrong in order to defend its own immorality" Mahatma Ghandi

rm_bucfannn replies on 5/10/2006 11:49 am:
Thank you Scott. You know the saying; hindsight is foresight? Wouldn't it be great if we could really do that? But, I look at everything that happened as a learning experience. I think it did make me stronger. I do know that I will NEVER put up with that shit ever again

AltumHunksUnite 53M

5/10/2006 9:06 am

Wow... I learned something important about you today, Cat. Thanks for sharing. I mean it.

Let me drive. I like the view

rm_bucfannn replies on 5/10/2006 11:54 am:
Thank you, Cleavis. Funny how things come out when writing in the blog, isn't it?

Cathartic, to say the least, eh?

rm_LoyalCumpany 46M
3204 posts
5/10/2006 11:35 am

Can't defend an alcoholic, but I can understand one. Was headed that way for a while myself. If he couldn't see he needed help after tying your car into a bow around a telephone pole, then you were right to do what you did.

I am JoJo the Circus Boy!

rm_bucfannn replies on 5/10/2006 11:59 am:
My ex was the son of 2 alcoholics. His father died before he was 50, of liver disease. The ex-stupid's sister is also a drunk, as is his 30 yr old nephew (in jail as we speak for his 3rd DU, and his niece is addicted to crack. Go figure. My life would have been worse than a living hell, had I stayed married...

Yummy_Gooeyness 31F

5/10/2006 4:28 pm

Great post. My ex husband had a drinking problem. He would go through phases, maybe a month of being completely sober and a month of getting drunk everyday. I'm just glad to see someone who also got out and is happy...gives me hope. Thanks

rm_bucfannn replies on 5/10/2006 6:35 pm:
You're welcome, sweetie. I now know the "signs", and I run like hell if I see them... Glad to see yours is an ex, also


oldude1946 71M

5/10/2006 5:06 pm

I had a beer last year

rm_bucfannn replies on 5/10/2006 6:33 pm:

I had one, too. The last one being a month ago

HeardLankaMalls 55M
2925 posts
5/11/2006 4:57 am

You're the only one that has to be satisfied with you Fann
Although I think a bunch of us like you too

rm_bucfannn replies on 5/11/2006 5:07 am:
Thank you Cor. You are so very sweet, and I am thankful I have found this safe haven in A F F

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