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From My Lefty Behind to Yours
From My Lefty Behind to Yours
[Note: this is the first part of the first volume of the Lefty Behind series. It is best to start with the Nov. 11 posting (which is a bit of a who's who and what's going to be what) and read up. Warning: Your IQ should be over 18 before you go on. I am not sure how many people on this site that will keep out, but I am willing to take the chance. I won't embarrass (I do see a pun coming) anyone by asking for penis size or size bra (how come there is no space in the personals for clitoral size or number of unreported zits?)]
Book I: TWO IN THE HAY, ONLY ONE TAKEN
Scene: A hay barn somewhere in Kansas. A drunken preacher has taken his two best Sunday school students for a sword drill and told the to leave their bibles at home. He said he would provide the sword and it would be two-edged. His name is Irreverrearend Tim Laymaninthehay, known as Tiny Tim for reasons that will become evident. My name is Lefty Behind and I just happened to be walking by the farmhouse (to see if any naked women were exposing themselves in front of their computer screens for horny guys like me), when I heard giggling in the barn. So, of course, I dropped in to take a pee, I mean a peak. We'll start the dialogue from there, since I'm making it up as I go along.
Bobby Jones: But where in the bible does it say we should be giving oral sex to the preacher man? How do I know you're not just pulling my leg to get me to take off my panties?
Tiny Tim: Bobby, didja forget that verse I wanted ya to memorize, right thar in I Peter 3:17, which in the inspired KJV (Note: he means the Kinky Version of the Bible] perversion saith: “For it is better, if the will of God be so, the ye suffer for well-doing than for evil-doing.”
Moody the Prostitute: But isn't oral sex evil, Pastor?
Tiny Tim: Yes, my child. That's the point. Notice that this here verse is in the words of an inspired Peter and this here thing sticking out of the zipper in my pants is a mightily perspired peter.
Bobby Jones: Oh, I get it. It is more blessed to give head than to suffer for righteous things, like praying to Mel Gibson for someone handsome to come along and ask to fuck you.
Tiny Tim: That's right girl. They musta been teachin that intelligent design in school today and you larned it well. It ain't survival of the fittest, it's what a man of the Lawd fits his precious peter into.
Moody the Prostitute: You know it drives me wild when you quote scripture. Like, you know [OK, she went to school on Long Island], sometimes I sit at home and masturbate to Jimmy Swaggert's altar call. That man could sure preach me into a frenzy and get me to come even when I didn't have any sins to confess.
Tiny Tim: Alright, now that the lesson is over, who wants to be first to be baptized by the holy spirit of my lust? We'll consider this a free will offering for the missionary position.
[It was at this moment that I burst in, well actually I burst all over the side of the barn door because I had been beatin' away at my shibboleth [This is an affectionate term I call my dick, since I just love the sound of biblical Hebrew] with every breath Bobby and Moody took (their breasts kinda heaved a lot and that always makes me woozy dunk). But I couldn't help noticing that for all his big talk Tiny Tim had a pin for a prick, so I blurted out the only bible verse I could call to mind…]
TO BE CONTIINUED NEXT POST, EVEN IF NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. [Hey, I haven't asked anyone to fuck yet, unlike the 567,385 horny guys checking out profiles of the ladies.]
Lots of options, if anyone gives a fuck (seems to be more wanting than giving out there), for example:
A. The Rapture could occur right now and Tiny Tim gets left behind.
B. Bobby and Moody could tie up the preacher man (that's what he really wants) and beg him to come down on them.
C. I (being Lefty Behind) could go in and show em the best sex they ever had (nah, no one would believe that).
D. The director could yell “cut” and the next scene could move to my place, where we have a Satanic ritual to bury Tiny Tim's tiny foreskin.
E. Whatever you want.
You decide, before it's too late and the Antiquechrist sells our butts on e-bay.