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Behind the Barn Door
Behind the Barn Door
[Better to read up the ladder on this, since we are in the middle of an [ob]scene.]
Before I begin, allow me to observe that so far I am correct about the bozos that are on this site. I don't see nothing but horny guys with funny accents (even when they fucking write on here) who just want to find a chat room with a girl who will call their fucking cell phones and give them blow jobs. Boring... I don't know about the women on here because they may be built into this site like Warcraft or something. Like there are thousands of women out there wanting to give blow jobs to slimy greaseballs who wouldn't know their penis size in metric.! Of course, I ain't paying for no gold or silver credit, so who even knows this blog is here.
OK, we left Tiny Tim attempting to convert two young high tech virgins (they were both IT girls and boy did they have it) to the baptism of his holy rod. But Lefty, that's me, just came in and surprised them or surprised them and came. In this story I can have as big a dick as I want and I can fuck all the women I want in each episode. Who the fuck needs reality. And who the fuck needs the pictures on this site of bulging tits of ample ladies and cheeseball old geezers who eat Viagra brownies every two hours. But I digress, so let's see what is behind the barn door. I suggest you wear rubber gloves. I take up my dick where I left off.
Bobby Jones: Oh, my god look at the size of that guy's dick. Hey, bazooka man, save a shot for me?
Lefty (this is me, remember, I did this in the accent of John Wayne -- not fucking or rather no-longer fucking John Wayne Babbit or Bobbit or Fuckit or whatever this dickless wonder was called). Here's shooting at you kid.
Moody the Prostitute: I have an idea, let's play shoot the semen on the Bible verse. I open my bible and you squirt it out and we see what verse it lands on. Sort of like the I Ching (I am not iching, becuz I dont got no std...) of them pagans, the ones that just fuck all day long and don't go to church proper.
[So I took aim and she opened right there to the Song of Solomon (not the hip hop version, but the one the Beasty Boys sang -- more about them Beasty Boys later). And there it was right there in the Bible. Right there in goddam fucking KJV English: "This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts, to clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of its boughs; now also thy breasts shall be like clusters of the vine; and the smell of thy nose, like apples. And the roof of thy mouth, like the best wine." [Song of Solomon 7-9] Tits like grapes. Fuck, were these seedless? And that part about the smell of thy nose is rank, just rank. But I'll drink to the wine. I hope it's French kissing wine and fully uncorked.
At that moment the RAPTURE occurred. In the twinkling of my tinkler the born-again Baptists in the farm house went clean through the roof (Hell, who is going to pay for that? Jesus? He used to go through walls and not damage them. This stupid farmer ruined the roof. Who wants to have sex in a house without a roof?) [If you are interested, send me a wink, ok?]
Like I said, the RAPTURE just happened like that and Tiny Tim was over there in the corner crying, because he didn't get taken. He just lost his head, you know. And he didn't get into Bobby Jones or Moody. because he didn't really know the Lord and he had second thoughts about abortion. The girls and I set the bible aside and I started sucking the wine out of their breasts.
Moody the Prostitute: Oh, Lefty, I am so glad you were left behind. Thank you so much for putting that tiny child molester out of the picture [Let's face it this guy was a real prick and deserves to get thrown off this episode. I think he should be called of the Lord to take over the Landrover (Landrover, let Jesus come over) Baptist Church in Pantsarecooler, Florida, near Disney World. Anyone ever wonder how big Mickey was and if Minnie gave out when they were not doing the cartoons? You think she was a mini? How the fuck did old Walt know what a hanging clitoris looks like on a goddam female mouse anyway? I wonder if Goofy ever came down on Minnie or stuck his thing up the rear end of fucking Donald Duck? ]
Bobby Jones: Oh, Lefty, the right thing to do now that we have read some bible is to measure your cock.
Lefty: Got a yardstick in here, do yah? And I'm still flaccid.
Bobby Jones: Oh, you're a big tease, aren't you.
[Like I said, the fucking RAPTURE just occured and every bible believing born-again evangelical fundamentalist Christian just left the earth. There goes Anita Bryant and there goes O.J. Simpson (now what the fuck do they have in common?) Planes are crashing, no one is stopping terrorists. All them Moslems got left. Fuck, we are in for it now. The world will never be the same. Well Rush (Guess how he gets the Rush?) Limitedbaugh will still be here but where will he ever get enough drugs and who will listen to him. He's history. Who will buy country western music? Fuck, the greatest disaster since Noah's universal flood and all I can think about is getting laid by these two babes in the barn. Don't you just love fiction.]
Moody the Prostitute: Oh, my god ...
God: Yes, my dear. You know you remind me of Mary. I need to create some hot women for that horny guy on this site looking for women in the middle of Iowa. Why did I bother creating pigs. I thought they would be satisfied. [OK, God is not likely to enter into this episode, especially after the RAPTURE. Fuck, didn't "he" get taken too. Looks like a revolution in heaven; Jesus is throwing out the old man the way God the Father-fucker (think about that, cause he don't got no mother to fuck) dumped Lucifer one son of a bitch morning.]
So what should we do here next time? I am open for suggestions, of course there are no real people on here and I am writing this only for myself. Here are the possibilities so vote in your comment. I will do whatever the fuck I want to anyway.
A. Fuck God (you decide who gets to do this)
B. Let God fuck you (remember what happened the first time. Don't go for this one if ou're Jewish.)
C. Fuck this blog. Come on, just kidding. Only assholes would pick this one. Pick you nose instead, but wash your hands after you wipe your ass (you don't want to pass donkey flu around).
D. Fuck Lefty. But send your picture first. Head shots are ok. I am straight and narrow (thick enough but not as thick as the guys on this site if you know what I mean and if you know what I mean wipe that silly slather of semen off your face)
TO BE DISCONTINUED, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN