GROWING UP  

rm_blkondemand 36M
138 posts
7/15/2006 3:59 am

Last Read:
3/7/2008 2:14 am

GROWING UP

Well, I got my first suggestion in my SUGGESTION BOX blog post. MsHuny (my CYBERCRUSH) suggested I write about some childhood stories. I knew that I was going to do it just because Ms Huny suggested it, but I really did have to think about which stories I'd tell.

I've heard quite often that most sex addicts were sexually abused as kids. And you know, I fall into that very statistic. The thing is....I never considered it abuse until some psychologist told me it was after I had repressed these stories for years.

You see, I was messed around with by several members of my family who were supposed to be "sitting" for me, but we were doing everything else but sitting. This included daily blow jobs for my older brothers who were teenagers when I was in elementary school, weekend j/o sessions with older cousins and "pussy eating" training from my half sister that was 13 years older than me. My earliest memory being my oldest brother telling me to get naked in bed with my sister after I came home from Pre K at 4 years old.

The thing is, I must have been really stupid and naive growing up because I never knew it was "abuse" or "molestation". These terms didn't mean anything to me until I started liking girls. I thought it was a younger kid's job to please older relatives this way because the experiences were so common growing up. Then when I started liking girls, they all called me "a pervert". So I began to repress these stories.

I always enjoyed the sexual exchanges as a kid. The part I didn't enjoy was not being able to tell the grown ups and the blackmailing by my older family members who would threaten to tell the secrets if I didn't "give them my meatloaf". (Because I was so naive, they had all convinced me that it was me who was wanted these things and I believed them) Maybe I was??

Anyway, eventually when the psychological conflicts began to affect me in college and I was so conflicted about my own sexuality, I began to tell the stories, but only to professionals. It was then that I found out that I had been "abused" and "molested".

Well, the wonderful thing about Ms. Huny asking me to write this post is that years ago I wouldn't have been able to do it. I'm happy to know that because I have delt with these deep-routed and repressed issues and purged myself of the confusion and shame, it is easy for me to disclose them even publicly today. Moreover, I have recovered the power that comes from self-forgiveness. People who are walking around "on the DL" today should consider this.
I am no longer ashamed of my sexuality, nor do I feel I have to wear it like a badge to dispel "rumors" or "judgements" nor to satisfy the curiosity or notify the fears of others. I am who I choose to be every second of every minute of every day without regard to what anyone else thinks about it.

Are any of you admitted sex addicts?

Were you "abused" as a child? If so, did you like it or not? (TRUTHFULLY)

Have you had trouble disclosing it to others?

Do you feel it has had any affects on your life as an adult?



ShyWhisper2006 53F
15175 posts
7/15/2006 4:51 am

Yes...to all the above questions....
I am not as brave as you...but I applaud you for being you...thank you


rm_blkondemand replies on 7/16/2006 2:46 am:
It seems easy for me, but I'm sure it wasn't always. I can't even think of myself as brave. I'm too self-centered not to enjoy the "one life to live" because others don't approve of me. When its over, it will be too late to be courageous. We have an abundance of support for being who we are, we just have to find that community and accept that's where we belong.

1971brownbomber 45M
7 posts
7/15/2006 9:22 am

hey blk male here man reading this blog is like looking back in my life in north Carolina I'm in va now but iv been sexually abused but the sad part is iv never told any of my family my uncle would have anal sex with me while my mom who was a single mom would be at work here i am watching big bird and he is having his way with mw then it would lead to sexually orgy's with an aunt and cousins but now I'm fucked up because I'm married but I'm digging guys but never explored that side because the world make you think you're wrong and going to hell and it gave me an eating disorder for years but now I'm coming to grip with it i now know I'm a fine black man i love men its how i am love or leave it i still have never told any one about my childhood but you're life story was like looking into a mirror well thanks peace if I'm ever in the atl ill email you like to casually drink or just have a good conversation


rm_blkondemand replies on 7/16/2006 2:52 am:
I appreciate your comment. That was the reaction I was hoping to get from at least one person. You have taken a step in the right direction. I know its not easy and I hope more will get it out and forgive themselves for it, be proud of who they are and know they have to right to be the person they choose to be. But acceptance by others is also within our control to a degree. We have a responsibility to let others know who we are (TRUTHFULLY) and why we have become that person if we truly want their acceptance. The questions I asked in this post were to help with finding out who that person is that we need to disclose as we welcome strangers into our lives.

MOfunNOWWOW 55F

7/15/2006 11:09 am

I was molested and I hated every second of it. I also hated sex until a little over a decade ago. I do give you respect and admiration for your honesty and it isn't uncommon feelings for you to have enjoyed it in this setting, although still not a healthy thing to happen. Mine was completely different and a horrific experience that caused 2 decades of contrasts of pain and numbness. {=}


MOMO
just a squirrel trying to get a nut


rm_blkondemand replies on 7/16/2006 2:53 am:
Thanks for sharing. The pain seems to have brought you a world of gain.

rm_sexxikritter 52F
2715 posts
7/18/2006 2:58 pm

I've seen you commment on blogs before but this is my first time coming to your blog. Powerful and cathartic writing you are doing.
I started to respond to this post and realized that I needed to write it in my own blog. I will give you the link and will also link back to your post. Thank you for sharing and being so honest. I have tried to achieve that in my words also.

Innocence lost?


rm_blkondemand replies on 7/19/2006 2:10 am:
Thank you for taking the time to make a visit to my blog. I hope you will return and continue to leave your thoughts. I appreciate it so much!

gloriousjourney 39M
62 posts
7/20/2006 3:07 pm

good good stuff. it takes a lot of courage to say those things i know. oddly enough the thing that i was most impressed by was your admitting that you enjoyed the sexual experiences at that young age. for some reason that seems to be a taboo thing to say, though i have always wondered why. but to make you feel that it shouldnt be talked about is not right. thanks for sharing.


rm_blkondemand replies on 7/21/2006 7:40 am:
And thank you for taking the time to read and post your comment!

rm_loneremily 33F
328 posts
7/20/2006 7:49 pm

I was... But it was not a common occurance. Both were on-time encounters with guys I greatly trusted. My worst encounter actually happened as a grown woman--a full-blown with the father of my kids.

I don't think that I would've been able to live very well if it were common in my childhood. I think, though, that it happened a lot I wouldn't have despised it so much.

And you're right about not being able to talk about it. The first time I was quite young. I actually thought I'd get in trouble for allowing something like that to happen.

The other two times I was able to tell a few people--but I had already been in therapy for years.


rm_blkondemand replies on 7/21/2006 7:42 am:
Thanks for sharing your story. I trust that people know how much it helps to talk about these things with others.

rm_loneremily 33F
328 posts
7/20/2006 7:53 pm

toomuchtime67 has a great point; when you're depressed, you crave sex more. But I know the psychological reason behind this--the chemicals released during sex are the same ones that make you feel happy--endorphins, dopamine, and seratonin.


rm_blkondemand replies on 7/21/2006 7:43 am:
Great point! Thanks.

BeBeLaStrange311 53F

1/7/2008 12:26 pm

I admired your courage and honesty immediately upon reading your blog. When I was young, you just didn't talk about it if it happened to you, adults turned the other way. If I did speak up, then I must have brought it on myself. I'm sure I've dealt with some issues over the years, but my head is screwed on pretty straight these days. I'm a confident woman, capable of working hard and supporting myself and mine, and have enjoyed true happiness. In many ways I've been lucky, and resilient.

My childhood experiences have affected my sexual desires. I am realizing this at this stage in my life, and can't be more descriptive at this point, as the realization is still developing.

Thanks again for your honesty and courage.
BB


rm_blkondemand replies on 1/15/2008 2:46 am:
Yes, the realization does occur over time. I think the key is not to blame yourself for any abuse that may have occurred, but at the same time realize what responsibility you had in being naive or whatever in order to truly understand why, if something truly happens to you against your will. We at least need to know how to protect ourselves or understand our own submissive tendencies.

In regards to the resiliency....what doesn't kill you tends to build some strength.

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