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Bush to alow corporations to take over military
Bush to alow corporations to take over military
Catching Democrats off guard, the President proposed to Congress that the Defense Department be transformed into a bigger, stronger Halliburton.
By Mark Biskeborn
Washington D.C. -- In a desperate move to counter his plummeting poll ratings, President Bush announced today that he is sending legislation to congress that would privatize the Department of Defense.
“This is a certain plan for certain victory,” the President said in a speech before an enthusiastic audience at the newly formed coalition, More Oil For More Bucks. “We must privatize the entire Defense Department, not just the Coast Guard. The Pentagon is the nation's largest welfare system and we must end that now! That is what that presidential election was all about, I won, that gives me the mandate to do what I want!”
According to the President, the Department of Defense employs hundreds of thousands of bureaucrats who produce nothing, do nothing, except providing him with false and misleading information. Bush went on to explain how the Defense Department is a socialist parasite, a welfare leviathan siphoning off more than 80% of the nation’s tax revenues, and producing nothin except “those damn humvees,” the president said to a standing ovation.
“With a budget that is twenty-five times larger than the next biggest national defense budget, our defense program is just not cost effective. It is staffed and led by a bunch of welfare cheaters who are sucking all the resources from our great nation, making it more and more difficult to give tax relief to our people.”
President Bush announced his bold initiative would be implemented in three bold steps:
“First, we will transform all military personnel into employees of corporations. This will rattle those coffee cups and get those slackers attention. Ha ha ha!”
“Second, we will divide the military branches up like they are now and give one to a different corporation."
In the pre-speech briefing, White House officials stressed that a number of patriotic corporations have already drafted detailed plans to downsize the Pentagon and our force structure which will result in a lower cost military and higher profits. It was immediately pointed out, however, that the financial savings to the public will not be immediate, since “there will be an extended transitory period.”
Although the White House did not state what patriotic corporations have been meeting with Vice President Dick Cheney, who is coordinating the transition from “a bureaurcy military to a winning military,” it is well known in Washington that Exon, Standard Oil, and especially Halliburton have been camping out in the White House.
According to a high level source who refused to be identified because of the delicacy of the on-going negotiations, “It won’t take these patriots long to whip DOD [Department of Defense] into an extremely profitable organization. I mean, we’re dealing with the cream of the American corporate world. We’re fortunate these men have stepped up to the plate to get us out of this mess of our government military.”
After all military personal are given corporate IDs, and the corporate plans have been approved by the Vice President’s office, then judiciously rubber stamped by Congress, the third aspect of the privatization plan will be implemention for victory.
“My plan to privatize our sluggish, department of socialism will lead to sure victory,” President Bush promised. “This is a winner. Look, handing over our hospitals to the private sector has done wonders for our health care system. We’re continuing to reduce funds for public education and gettin' closer to making public education a thing of the past. And I promise you the day is coming when not a single American will have Social Security.”
Asked during the question and answer session what a citizen is supposed to do if they get sick, the president did not have an immediate answer. As for the education issue, the president was quick to respond, “As you know, I thing education is highly overrated.”
The President made it clear that future military generals will be promoted for their ability to turn a profit. “As I have said many times, war is too profitable to be squandered on the public sector.” As for our Constitution being a possible problem, President Bush said “that just Liberals talking. You know, the Consititution is just a damn piece of paper.”
A journalist for Intervention Mag asked the President what he meant that the Constitution is just a damn piece of paper, and the President responded that “someone will strengthen you out later.”
The president then quoted, “My good Christian friend Pat Robertson, who said, ‘There is no better way to assure the smooth and continuous flow of oil than by letting Halliburton stomp those pagans good.’”
President Bush ended his speech by saying, ” “Now that's a victory plan!” Looking to the side of the stage, he added, “Did I use the word ‘victory’ enough?”