|Blogs > rm_art_tchr_phx > The Standup Dominatrix|
Scroll down to the Foreward to read this book from the beginning
Ok, my heart was only broken for two days, but damn, it hurt like hell…
I left my heart in Capitol City, but “It’s a good thing.”
My relationship with Brian started as did most things in the year 2000, with an e-mail and profile from a guy on Erotic Pals or EP as everyone who was into that stuff knew it. I should never have met Brian but by the time I realized that he lived in Capitol City, Elsewhere and not Capitol City, Here, it was too late. I was far too intrigued not to pursue this.
His profile said that he was a 32 year old, Caucasian professional with a post-graduate education. (Education is such a turn on for me and the possibility of intelligent conversation was hard to resist) Besides, I thought his photo was cute. (Hey, I’m just as much of a dog as the next guy)
According to his profile, Brian was looking for someone to be the center of his life, OR..., someone to share a slice of her life with him while maintaining our own lives. Since most of the men on that site were just looking for relationships of the very temporary variety, Brian seemed like a port of intelligence in a sea of bozos. At least he made being just “fuck buddies” sound meaningful.
Mon, 13 Nov 2000
Didn't catch you in the chat room tonight. I called earlier, but I think that you must have been online. Rest assured that I am very drawn to you and am looking forward to talking to you. Night... Brian
Mon, 13 Nov 2000
To: _N A very beautiful pic. Sorry that I missed you. By the way.... nice voice too. I hope that we can catch one another in the future. Damn do you look nice... Brian
Remember when you had to get off your computer in order to take a phone call? I had just turned in my Star Trek looking flip cell phone for the latest style, but the new one was smaller and a lot easier to lose in the apartment
November 13, 2000
To: Brian. I'll be in the chat room again tonight. I left my cell phone somewhere. But if you call my home phone after I get offline I can talk 1-414-906-0563 we’ll coordinate it better this time, ok? _N Wed, 15 Nov 2000 N, My EP handle is "Brian I do not keep my profile visible and photos make me a little nervous from a professional point of view. I turned my profile back on tonight... so hopefully by the time you catch this, it will be visible. Forgive the cheesy pics.... I looked at your profile again. I must say that (coupled with your photo) I find you very interesting. You sound like a pretty neat lady. We have a bit of physical distance between us though... maybe that's a good thing... Looking forward to talking to you. Brian
Nov. 17, 2000 - We began our long phone conversations after a few e-mails. He told me all about his previous relationships, why he’s drawn to me, and we discussed his coming to see me. He was not into phone sex, but definitely into the erotic conversations. He has a voice that is pure Southern gentleman. There is something about Brian’s voice that is so seductive and he can make it seem like he is saying “Darling, I would love to gently roll you onto your stomach and caress your soft, warm, curves” when he is really saying, “I want to fuck you in the behind.” I loved the perversity of that
November 19, 2000
Brian: Hey... _N? N_: yes... Brian: Well ... how was your show? N_: Oh, my show went very well, good crowd, fun time Brian: Awesome, I am glad to hear that. So, what you up to? I have just been cleaning up for winter
Brian, as I would come to find out, was probably one of the first Metrosexuals and so in touch with his feminine side that I think he had more estrogen than me
N_: I see. I spent time this morning doing laundry. Sexy, hey? Brian: Did that too... doing laundry... yes that can be sexy... N_: I suppose if you were doing it with someone Brian: OK... (as if taking me up on the offer) Yeah with someone... or if by chance your whites and silks were combined and doing laundry reminded you of the other...
N_: So, did you get your ticket yet?
I mean what guys talked like that about doing laundry with a woman? Brian: As for the ticket... not yet… pick a date...
Red Flag #1 ‒ Brian and plans just never seemed to come together after our one and only weekend. The fact that I fell in love with him (however briefly) proves that I must have some sort of major flaw in my women’s intuition. I seem to disregard red flags with sheer abandon. Either that or I am color blind.
N_: Do you have a close up picture of your face? I'm sending you another one of me when I was working a club, shows how goofy I am. I accidentally met another guy today from Grandville’s Northern burbs
Brian: Imagine that.... N_: Yeah, it just happens. He drove up from Grandville Brian: I haven't had such accidents in a year or so LOL| N_: Yeah, you are going to have to make plans. You can't just take off and show up on my doorstep. Besides, you're more of a whole weekend kind of guy, not a few hours. Brian: A toy for the weekend ... huh? LOL N_: well, that's up to you Brian: Cute pic Miss Whip Cream... (the photo was a well known comic shooting whipped cream into my face) I'll send you an older one of me (yrs)... just promise to never stick out on the web as there is another person in it.
Because I taught Photoshop, it was always amazing to me that guys would post or send photos of themselves with other women in the picture. Once everyone got a scanner, every Tom, Dick and well, Dick was an expert, but at this time, I still had skills most of the public did not
N_: Buy that ticket!!!!! Brian: When? N_: ASAP!!!!! no seriously, you are even cuter up close Brian: Let me glance at my calendar and check airfare.... Dec or Jan better for you? N_: My break starts Dec. 20 Brian: That weekend is Christmas Eve.... I'll be on my way home... anytime earlier? N_: a weekend earlier in the month is fine Brian: Friday the 15th? N_: yes that works. Are you serious about this? Brian: Yes, I will check airfares tonight... or right now if you like. Are you? N_: yes Brian: Promise you are not a serial killer or crazy? N_: well…I cropped your ex out of the photo already, so now it's just you.
Red Flag #1 for him, she’s altering your photo for Pete’s sake! Run now! This one has “Fatal Attraction” written all over her!
Brian: I will check flights...which airport? All my air travel this year has been a pain... I will check fares tonight... N_: I really can't believe that someone would be willing to do this Brian: really why? N_: I'm not sure. Too much trouble to go through I guess.
Due to the lack of such effort all through my married life, I was still not willing to believe someone would travel that far to see me. Oh, they came up from the Northern Burbs of Grandville all the time, but this was different. He was already in his 30’s. He’d already established himself in a career and it just seemed to have more possibility overall. From the moment I began talking to him, I was looking at life through delusional colored glasses
Brian: Well should I explain my interest...I find you attractive....not enough in itself... I find you interesting as a person... I find the thought of an older woman erotic... you have a wonderful voice...for starters... N_: I really enjoyed talking to you Brian: ditto.... (quoting from “Ghost?” How romantic can you get?) What are you up to tonight in Metro? N_: just going to watch a show. One of my buddies is the emcee this weekend and I told him I would come see him. I go almost every weekend anyway. Guess what I just did? Brian: what? N_: Erased your beard so I could see what that would look like since you said it’s gone now
Brian: You have to be kidding...... replaced it with 'white space'? N_: not white space. your skin color. At least I didn't make blood drip from your eyes or anything weird like that Brian: true... good point... I’m impressed.
On here as well as on the phone, Brian would always play along with whatever silliness I would toss at him. We’d talk in foreign accents for an hour, and then get into a discussion about some obscure independent movie we were sure no one but ourselves had ever seen. C’mon, when did you ever hear Gummo being discussed in the employee lounge? He is a real romantic who loved City of Angels and Titanic. Plus I could hear Alan Parsons in the background and I knew I had to meet this person.
N_: But I won't get it done tonight. I'll have to go in and clean it up, matching skin tones etc. Brian: admirable.... maybe it would be easier for me to take a pic tonight and email to you? N_: yes that would be great. Oh, now I bet he's thinking I've retouched my photos and that I'm really a 300lb person Brian: If you retouched your photos you are very good. N_: No, if I would retouch my photos I'd make me look like some hot babe Brian: Your voice is kinda deep... sure you’re not a trans... LOL N_: that's my fake voice. I really sound like pee wee Herman. Well, I do think I have a lot of testosterone in me Brian: Ah pee wee ....Mick a lick a hiney ho N_: Something has to be making my libido shoot through the roof Brian: Did it just recently do that? N_: No. I've always had a strong libido. That's why being married to someone with none at all was so frustrating Brian: Thank you for the compliment on the eyes... just kidding on your voice... N_: But you do like my voice, right Brian: Yes... I do like your voice.... I find it very erotic... N_: I wish we were talking now on the phone instead but I'm afraid if we started I'd never get off to Metro. I can't believe how the time flew the other night. Brian: I wish we were on the phone as well... oh come on... we could set a time and hang up...I'll call you ok? N_: ok, I'll go offline. Bye
Brian ended up talking me all the way to Capitol City that night...It was wonderful having him “ride along” with me and I made a decision to go to him instead. I met 6 guys since my calls from Brian, but was feeling far less restless since deciding to fly out to meet him.
November 26, 2000 - I bought my very first plane ticket. I was in need of a vacation because it had been a rather eventful time in my life.
I recently had to go to court for my final divorce hearing. 32 years is a long time. I always expected us to grow old together. I didn’t think he’d have such a head start. He would videotape shows he couldn’t stay awake to watch. Like Wheel of Fortune, and Jeopardy. He’d have the sound cranked up so loud that I looked around the room for my father! When the line under the word VOLUME goes all the way up to the E, I’m thinking Miracle Ear might be a good idea. And naturally, since I had the libido of a seventeen year old boy, I ended up with a guy who had the sex drive of an adjustable wrench. So now I only date young men. Someone I can bribe with videogames and a plate of cookies. I use the word date because it makes me seem less of a slut!
I adore young men. Between the price of a Happy Meal and my AARP discount, we can eat for practically nothing. Although I hate it when they bring out the booster seat. It’s not my fault I’m so short! I love tall men and most of the guys I see tower over me. When I’m standing next to them I come up to their pants! We look like that sign out in front of the carnival midway that says, “You must be this tall to ride.” And I’m not!!! But there is a huge advantage to seeing young guys. Parking around my building is terrible but they can bring those little scooter things right into the apartment! I hear all the time about young guys who will jump anyone with a pulse. Where the hell are these guys? I’m pulsing all over the place here!! Since we’ve gone our separate ways my ex has been doing a lot more things with his biker friends. He went to a Halloween costume party dressed as a nun complete with fake boobs. He won first place in all categories. Best male, best female, and best “couple!” (rim shot)
Speaking of boobs, the day after the divorce, I had to go to the women’s health center to have my mammogram checked. Ladies, did you ever accidentally go out “without your face?” To translate that into manspeak, that means leaving the house without your makeup on. Well, I was very distracted the day I had to go to the clinic, and I left the apartment sans face. I usually try to look nice, even when I’m just shopping because the local grocery really is the millennium meat market. Unfortunately, the one in my neighborhood is one where guys are picking up other guys. But I digress. I’m used to walking down the street confident that I look pretty decent, but I walked past this cute doctor in a lab coat, flashed him a smile and got ”the look.” You know the one? “Damn, is she looking at me?” I forgot that I looked like the last runner up for Miss Garage Sale! I hustled myself up to the clinic.
The first thing they have you do is change into the “uniform.” Pink flowered smocks that make you look like your great grandma cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone is sitting there looking like the Aunt Bea Collection from Wal-Mart. If they really wanted women to think about getting mammograms more often, they should provide wine coolers instead of coffee, Playgirl magazines instead of Women’s Day, and instead of those self-examination videos, they’d have some soft core porn! They should also have really cute male nurses. “Ms. N_, weren’t you just in here for a test last week?” “Uh, no and please tell Sven I’m here.” (Sven’s the one with the nice big hands!) Well, as it turned out, they didn’t like the mammogram and I had to go back to the hospital again for a biopsy. So, I’m in the room where they have the examination table or as I like to call it, “the rack.” It’s a table with a hole in it so when you lay on your stomach, your boob can hang free. They prod, poke, squish, take pictures, and finally they find what they were looking for. Of course by now Nurse Ratchet has so many pen marks all over the place and it looks like they were playing Tit-Tac-Toe! They have the nerve to call it a needle biopsy. Wrong! It’s not a needle, it’s a freakin’ straw; cuz it sucked! Then they want me to come in again for an ultrasound. This time I’m coming prepared. I’m bringing a black lace teddy and an Older Women with Younger Men porno tape! The ultrasound room was about 30 degrees below zero. I guess they wanted to make sure they could identify at least two things! Doctors have the best computers though. I snooped around a bit and there were all sorts of settings for liver, ovaries, heart, lungs, yolk sac. YOLK SAC???? What the hell! Is this why it takes forever to get an appointment? Are they x-raying Chicken Little on the side?
After the ultrasound I was told that they found something suspicious. What, like a forged check? I was going to have to have surgery to remove the suspicious object. The doctor took out something that looked like a Ronco Vegematic version of an AK47 and shot me with a metal chip like a tagged deer. Are they going to watch my migration patterns!? Will they know exactly how many times I visit Perversion Plaza? I went home and the damn thing was like a freakin’ V-chip. Every time something violent came on TV, the picture scrambled! I felt like an alien abductee. Every time I got a twinge in my boob, I thought the mother ship was coming to get me. They put metal detectors in my school and my boob keeps setting off the alarm! I might have to quit!
Now I’m really worried. What happens when I go to fly out to see Brian? Are they gonna make me put my boob in that stupid plastic change tray? I got in enough trouble the last time I went to the airport. I was traveling alone and ok, for companionship...I had a vibrator tucked away in my suitcase. They had the dogs out and everything because they thought I was trying to smuggle a pipe bomb onto the plane instead!
December 5, 2000 Before my surgery I had to go back to the “rack” room and they used the metal chip to locate what they said was probably a fibroid. They sat me up and I had this 8 inch piece of wire sticking out the side of my boob! I looked down and all I could think of is, “there has to be a punch line in here somewhere!” I don’t have cable TV, but now I was getting channels from Sri Lanka! Something like that. I got wheeled down to the operating room, but they gave me a Tupperware container to hold that said HUMAN SPECIMEN. First of all, it was huge! Dolly Parton’s whole boob wouldn’t fill it and as far as I knew, the thing they were removing was pretty darn small. Secondly, why did I have to carry it? Am I bagging my own groceries too? If they hand me a scalpel, I’m cutting some guys balls off and see if they still think I’m qualified.
I had my right breast lumpectomy and talked to Brian before I went back to bed that night. The doctor’s office called to say the tumor was benign, so I sent voice mail to Brian to let him know, and he e-mailed me back saying he was glad.
December 8, 2000 - Brian and I talked for three hours and it sort of got sadly serious at one point when he talked about us being out of sync in time. I know he feels that if we were closer in age he would be even more drawn to me. I told him that if I ever do find someone again in my life it will have to be someone very much like him. I think he liked hearing that and he keeps me just at arms length where anything long term would be considered. He doesn’t want to entertain that possibility but yet he does hint at it slightly. His soft southern drawl and polite manner comforted me in a way no one ever has. I want him to be attracted to me physically when we meet, because I know he’s already attracted to me as a person. Ok, I guess I want to have a second chance for a relationship. But I do not want to get as wrapped up as I was in John that it hurts when it doesn’t happen. I’m grateful for John because he helped me transition away from Aaron. I’m grateful for Brian for helping me transition away from John. But at some point...at some point...won’t I want to stop transitioning and just be with someone? That is the question.
When we said goodnight on the phone, I just want to curl up with him and be peaceful. (Real life dilemma...looking messed up in the morning) The only person I’d slept overnight with since my divorce was Aaron and I could slip out of bed, and put on fresh makeup without his ever seeing me. I already told Brian that I didn’t want him to see me without makeup. He was very understanding, said we wouldn’t shower together then, but just bathe. He wants to wash my hair, etc. I can’t imagine someone not wanting to be with this man always. Brian loves to cook, he’s funny, and he’s a responsible professional with employees under him. He loves kinky stuff and is playful. I would never even know he existed except for him seeing me briefly in the chat room. He almost never goes in there. He’s had lots of experiences, sown most of his wild oats, and is ready for something more. I know it’s stupid, but there are people who do have unconventional relationships and we’ve talked about that. He isn’t saying that it couldn’t happen. So, I will just have to wait to see how the weekend goes.
December 10, 2000 - Brian ended up talking me all the way to Capitol City again. It really is great having him for company in the car. I was absolutely floored when I heard what music he was playing, for himself mind you, in the background; Enya! He also had Kitaro! How could I not want to be with this person?
December 11, 2000 - We had a really huge snow storm so I didn’t go to my improv workshop. I was restless however and I ended up in the chat room. No surprise there. A 23 year old Elementary Education student was stranded at the downtown Ramada so I decided it was a good idea to take him to dinner. I almost got my car stuck in snow drifts twice on the way to pick him up. Driveways proved very problematic and he ended up having to get out and push a couple of times. Just goes to show the power of hormones. We did have a very nice conversation over garlic mashed potatoes, and spent a couple relaxing hours at my apartment. I didn’t feel guilty about seeing him despite my upcoming meeting with Brian. Guilt was simply not part of who I was anymore. Growing up Catholic, you might ask why. I had prayed constantly for my marriage to work out. I prayed for my husband to have an interest in me, to want to spend time alone with me, to want me physically. It didn’t work. If God was answering no at every turn about my own husband, then I gave up guilt.
Brian is very leery of all my recent escapades, but he thinks he will disregard them once I’m right there and have him in my spell!! (He thinks of me as if I were Typhoid Mary which is why I’m both careful and tested on a regular basis)
December 13, 2000 - After another three hour call, I have decided that I’m just going to look at this visit as recreational sex, that way I won’t invest so much emotionally. Sometimes when we talk though, I really feel that he too wishes it could be more, but he can’t make that kind of quantum leap as far as alternative relationships go. We made plans for a little stranger/stranger scenario at the bar across from his house...
December 15, 2000 - A comic friend of mine just happened to be flying at the same time so we drove to the airport together. It was great having someone with whom to share my little adventure. He is more open minded than most people I know and very easy to talk to. I had been warned ahead of time that the 18 passenger prop plane would be noisy and cold, which was an understatement. Someday I’m going to erect a small shrine to the person who invented ear plugs. The flight was exciting and fast, only an hour and a half. The same time it takes to drive to Capitol City.
Brian was even better looking than his picture when I saw him at the Capitol City airport... He carried my bag and all I kept thinking was that where emotional detachment was concerned, all bets were off. I wanted to hold his hand, but didn’t. It was strange because I’m not usually that intimidated. We walked all the way through the airport to his little black sports car. It was a 60 mile drive back to his house in the dark so I didn’t really see any of his Capitol City. It was already after 1:30 am when we got to his place. I felt comfortable right away. He had the same retro toaster! I could feel that it wasn’t going to be just recreational for me. I gave up all the kinky scenarios when I saw him in person. He was just so dear. I was hoping he would like me so much my age wouldn’t matter, but it did. As much as we discussed all kinds of kinky sex including bondage and using liquid latex, we didn’t do anything like that. He definitely was able to keep his hands off me, and we figured it out later that it was probably my post-op bruising more than anything that kept things on the gentle side. It wasn’t a casual meeting for me. I fell in love with this intelligent, attractive, athletically slender man whose place was spotless and organized to the point of having his spices alphabetized and his socks color coded. He likes the finer things in life and drank only special ales and I rather enjoyed the smell of the clove cigarettes he occasionally smoked.
We spent most of our weekend together watching movies on his huge TV. His townhouse was cold so I ended up wearing a flannel shirt of his and covering up with a stadium throw a lot of the time. He was either fully dressed or just in his well worn white terry robe. We watched The Patriot, Frequency, Keeping the Faith, Mission to Mars, U571, and Any Given Sunday. He liked the idea of having someone intelligent with whom to discuss the movies, but I could tell early on that he could totally resist touching me, so it became a “one of the guys” weekends. It reminded me of hanging out with my gay friend Chip.
He is really in touch with his feminine side, and I am really in touch with my masculine side…When he made dinner, every move he made was elegant like a geisha doing the tea ceremony. He was slow and methodical. Heck when he made us lunch it took about two hours just to make tuna sandwiches. You had to be prepared to watch and wait when he was working in the kitchen. If I didn’t know better, I would think he was gay. He lives like a gay man, everything in order. He uses all the food preparation like a ritual to relieve stress. As much as I’m attracted to him, I don’t think I could take the slow pace for very long. But at this moment in time, which became the theme of the weekend, I stood behind him as he stood in front of the stove and began to rub his shoulders, neck, and back. It was as if I was the man and he was the woman and it felt so natural. I felt his back arch and heard a slight moan as I held him from behind and I knew this was a man I wanted to give roses. He set the table, poured us wine, and served me as if I were a princess. He waited on me hand and foot, which was the most unique experience I’d had thus far. He was like the perfect wife.
After dinner we danced to Alan Parsons’ “Time,” and it was wonderful but sad because we were not for each other. Then during “Don’t Let it Show,” he began to tear up. I know it wasn’t because of me, but something touched him so deeply that he couldn’t help it and I held him so close and began crying. We sat on the couch later and talked about things. He asked me honestly what I was thinking as we looked into each others’ eyes and I told him that I think I could fall in love with him. He said there were things about me that he could fall in love with but that I never stood a chance. I could be some hot 50 year old movie star and still not stand a chance because of how “out of sync” we are in age. I knew he meant it and from that point understood that the weekend only had one way of going. He said he really enjoyed looking into my eyes and that he felt that we already knew each other. I asked like in a past life kind of way and he said yes, but what good did that do? Even if we were people who had a relationship previously, there was no way to go back to it. We were who we are here and now. Later, just before I had to leave, he wouldn’t even look at me except when the conversation retreated back to a whimsical and frivolous mode. I didn’t stand a chance. Those were his exact words. And yet I felt so close to him, so drawn to him. He hugged me and held me close because he knew in the next moment he would be letting me go forever.
We were quiet the day I left and the ride to the airport was a bit superficial. We pretended we were ok, so we were. We got something to eat, but for some reason, my flight was boarding early and we had to practically run through the airport to make the plane. We didn’t have a tearful goodbye. It was rushed and I felt cheated out of the tender moment they always promise in the movies. As soon as I boarded the plane I called Brian on my cell to say goodbye as best I could. The ride home was even colder because the warmth of possibility was gone.
With tears in my eyes, I wrote this the next morning and sent it to him in an e-mail:
Out of Sync...
Delusions are a funny thing
They keep us moving on
We fool ourselves with visions
Of what we know is gone
I knew before I met him
He never led me on
And yet I felt compelled to meet
This man to whom I’m drawn
“You didn’t stand a chance” he said
The words were clear and plain
I heard them and I tried to smile
While hiding all the pain
I knew he’d have to say them
I knew I’d have to hear
I wasn’t what he wanted
He made that crystal clear
And so with my delusions crashed
Like so much broken glass
I let the heart I opened close
And let the moment pass
I flew back home in silence
I set my heart to mend
I will never be his love
But he’ll always be my friend
Then I felt funny about just sending the poem with no other text and followed it up with this:
I'm sorry about the poem. I just figured I had nothing left to lose by telling you how I felt. I spent the past two days crying on and off and I tortured myself by listening to Alan Parsons. Even the sight of a can of tuna is enough to spark tears, but I am so glad that I got to meet you in person. Having the memory of this past weekend was worth anything I'm feeling now and I would not trade it for the world. Please have a safe trip for Christmas and a wonderful holiday,
I received this response:
Please do not apologize for the poem. I thought that it was the most beautiful and touching thing that anyone ever wrote for me. I was, and am still, very touched by it. I was merely unsure just how to respond to it. I can certainly appreciate you telling me how you felt. Trust me; despite the circumstances that life might offer up.... following ones heart in an ethical fashion is never wrong.
I can certainly understand listening to Alan Parsons.... but, a can of tuna (that could be going a bit far)....
I am very glad to have met you, and I had a wonderful weekend. Please do not be sad though... it's not worth that. I promise that I will not stop talking to you. I certainly find you very interesting and know that you will be a dear friend.
I returned Sunday night to find your footsteps remaining in the snow just outside my door...the blanket on the couch, and your wine glass in the sink. Monday morning I awoke to find your footsteps in the snow outside my door.... all reminding me of you. Tuesday morning, our footprints were covered over. For sentimental people, such as us, it is difficult to stand in an instance in space and time with the realization of never returning for all likelihood. We have only to take solace in knowing that we were there. Trust me.... this feeling is deeply rooted inside me, as a part of me seems to feel as though such boundaries should ultimately not confine me.
So, smile and sleep well.....
July 2001 - I finally sent roses to Brian. I had wanted to do it for a long time, but hadn’t. In the time that passed, he decided to relocate for a new job. He isn’t with anyone and said he didn’t think he would be. I told him I missed him and that I was sending him something. I told him that I was coming to the end of my explorations (well at the time I thought so) and that he was a high point on the journey. He called me to thank me for the roses and to say that he enjoyed them and was very flattered. He was his always polite self. We reminisced about the weekend we had in December. He told me that the flowers were on his doorstep when he came home from work. He put them on the table next to the sofa where we watched all those movies together. We talked about what movies we watched. I told him how much I loved rubbing his back as he was cooking and he agreed. He again said that it was as if time stood still, very intense. I would love to relive those moments. One of my favorite movies is Same Time Next Year with Ellen Burstyn and Alan Alda. I would give anything to have that with Brian but I had gone back to my chat room way of life very easily.
He seemed to enjoy hearing about my adventures, so I told him about two recent rather kinky episodes since I met him. Brian was still the sweet personable fun guy I’d known all those months ago. I told him all about the toys I’d bought although due to my comic sensibility, the story was a bit embellished in the way that Pamela Anderson was a bit voluptuous.
I recently had to replace my vibrator. I had one of the earlier plug-in models. The cord was always too short anyway, and it was starting to overheat. I didn’t mind that so much. But... when sparks started shooting out the bottom I got worried. Could you imagine getting electrocuted with one of those things? I come from a small town where a romantic evening begins with the Stuff Your Face Buffet and ends with a few beer frames at the Southside Bowl-a-rama. Something like that would make the local newspapers. Catholic School Teacher in Shocking Death with Marital Device - Alone! And if that’s not bad enough, I’m not sure how they’d explain the laminated pictures of Brad Pitt. You used to have to send away for these things. Now, you go to Sex Toys R Us and they have them all on display like it was freakin’ Wal-Mart! I don’t want to see Wilford Brimley in a striped vest handing me a basket and saying, “Welcome to Spank and Slave, I will be your personal shopper today for all your sexual needs. We’re having a clearance sale on the Jalapeno flavored massage oil in aisle three, and all our handcuffs are 50% off. May I direct your attention to the Vibrator Boutique?” Have you seen some of those things? There are so many different kinds! First you have to decide what size; small, medium, large, and “OMG!” Then you have to decide what special features you want. They have the ones with lotion or hot oil; the flavored ones, the musical ones. I just went for the basic 4-speed which gives four on the floor a whole new meaning! The first setting is gentle massage. Like that’s gonna do me any good. Then you have frappe’, puree’ and pulverize, which is my personal favorite.
Then they have all the ones that look like animals. Oh the bunny one is cute but watch out for the one called the porcupine! (I get so confused now because of the vibrating hummingbird teeth flosser. You know that started out as something in a porn shop)
There are orbiters, thrusters, pulsars, rockets. It’s like a cargo manifest from the Starship Enterprise. You half expect Scottie to come out from the back room saying (in his Scottish accent), “She’s almost therrrrre Captain. I’m givin’ herrrrr all I’ve got, but we’rrrrre losing powerrrr fast!” I guess they would have to recharge the Dylithiam crystals…
Personally, I think Black and Decker should come out with a line of vibrators. Something turbo charged, Titanium, and with a Robogrip. Better yet, Sears. I think women deserve to have that Craftsman lifetime guarantee on their “power tools” too! And for birthdays and anniversaries, guys could buy us the nicely gift wrapped assortment of attachments, for all those hard to reach areas. The ones some men couldn’t find if a woman came equipped with a global tracking system. I know I’m not the only one who’s creaming her own Twinkie. I’m not the only one keeping the local Wank and Spank in business. Heck, in my state the porno shops are the bridal registries.
Some women are just too embarrassed to go to the adult toy stores. But no matter how good their man is, some night he’s going to have one too many beers and be of no use whatsoever. Then they will find themselves creeping around the kitchen and looking in the produce bin. “Damn, I used up that last zucchini for my veggie primavera!” So then they start rummaging through the drawers and it’s a toss up between the spatula, a mini whisk, and the turkey baster. I suggest going to one of those Pottery Barn kind of shops, like Crate and Barrel. Did you ever see some of those Scandinavian kitchen utensils? Soft grip lemon reamers. That even sounds dirty. You could stock up on those things and people would just think you’re one hell of a gourmet cook. How come you have so many melon ballers in here? “Oh, I just love making lots and lots of my special fruit ambrosia.” A word to the wise; do not, I repeat, do not use the garlic press. Don’t ask. Sounds romantic doesn’t it? Well I had precious little romance in my married life. Some women get perfume; I got more ram for my computer. Some women get jewelry; I got a scanner. Some women get champagne and candlelight bubble baths; Ah, but nothin’ says lovin’ like an external hard drive! Let’s face it, if real men were equipped like sex toys, we’d freak. Think about it. You meet someone and go to your place or he takes you back to his parent’s basement where he has a futon on the floor with the lovely Batman pillowcase and zebra sheets, the sock and underwear sculptures, a trail of q-tips, broken Doritos, and Ho-Ho wrappers. Then things start heating up, he drops his Joe Boxers and you’re staring at fourteen inches of fluorescent orange with a head the size of a tennis ball covered in vibrating bumps, you’re gonna haul his toxic butt to the nearest free clinic for a shot of something.
Brian always liked my stories and I loved making him laugh.
September 24, 2001 - Brian called to tell me about his move, but it was just a short time before we were reminiscing again. I think it was just such a wonderful tender moment in time that neither of us will ever let it go. Then he told me that if I were there he’d be all over me and that he misses me. We talked for an hour and a half which culminated in phone sex, which he never liked, but this was great. He loves the sound of my voice and suggested sending me a plane ticket to come see him when has settled in his new place. (This was post 911 and the world had become a different place from the point of flying. There were people who said they would never fly again.) He said that although he would love to be with me right away, he’d rather wait till the move is over. (it never happened)
October 7, 2001 - Brian called and invited me for New Years. That didn’t work out and I was pissed that he just sent me a short e-mail to say he already had someone from work coming. As it turned out, that New Years Eve led him to a new woman. He says she doesn’t turn him on sexually but that he enjoys her company. I said I was happy for him, and 85% of me meant it.
May 21, 2002 - Brian called again just to say hello. He’s still with the woman he met New Year’s Eve, and he enjoys having a stable relationship. It was a nice friendly conversation.
December 23, 2003 - Brian called to wish me a Merry Christmas and to ask me to come visit or for him to come here. I’m not holding my breath because he’s disappointed me 4 times so far, but we did have a wonderful phone call during which he mentioned several times that he missed me, and admitted to thinking of me as a soul mate. (Nice to hear but hard to take that a man can think of me that way but not want it to be a reality)
April 2004 - Brian called just as I was printing out my air travel plans for Easter Break. At the time I was reminiscing about my plane trip to see him. The dreamer in me would like to think he sensed me looking up at the sky and thinking of that bittersweet weekend when I was still so full of hope and so was he. He said he wasn’t really with anyone and I mentioned that if he ever wanted to come out west, he’d be welcome. Again he was the epitome of a gentleman and said he might just do that, but I was pretty sure I’d never hear from him again.