who you'd be today?  

rm_abutoo2 44M
708 posts
7/20/2006 5:41 am

Last Read:
7/28/2006 1:54 pm

who you'd be today?

Well first off, if you haven't read [blog mzhunyhole] [post 433966] today, you should go read that and find out what my inspiration was for this post. She's an incredible blogger with an innate ability to write about herself in a style and language that always gets me to 100% understand where she's coming from.
I know when I was a kid I didn't ever think I'd end up the way I am now. I was the type that had to fight everything and everyone. Do it my way or no way. Constantly seeking answers but I didn't know the questions. My parents were led to expect great things from me. Or maybe, they just hoped for them. Herculean events would have been great, lol. But nobody bothered to ask me. So I grew up trying to please impossible to please parents and with other problems of mine I missed out on 4 years of school. So not only did I have these great expectations, I was given neither the material or emotional support to ever try at something.
When I finally made it back into a regular classroom I was 15 and so far behind all of the other students that I didn't understand what was happening in any of my classes. So, rather than look like an idiot that didn't have a clue, I just didn't try. Partied all night and slept through school. It's a wonder I graduated. I know in my last year of high school I had to take a correspondence course for one class that I needed. My parents refused to pay the $60 for it. A counselor at school loaned me the money and I paid her back. But I graduated. Maybe the first instance where I was held responsible for my own future.
In my last year of high school my isolation from other students was completed upon moving to this small Oklahoma town. There is a mentality here that I have never experienced. For the first time I viewed racism displayed openly (don't see that much in the military or at least not in my family). I wasn't accepted by the kids in the school here. I wasn't rich and I wasn't known by anyone. So, nobody wanted much to do with me. You see, they didn't know where I fit into their lives so I was never allowed in. "What will my friends think" seems to be their primary concern. I can understand that today.
Now, you may be thinking, hey... that's all in your head. Maybe so. But my Dad's own family treated me that way too. Pretty wierd to be treated as a stranger to blood kin. My mother's family was one of "hey, you came here with so & so? Welcome here, come on in. You're a friend of the family so you're family." There is just something about here that closes people's minds to strangers. They always Help em if they can but keep em as a stranger.
So anyway, lonely and everytime I tried to do something that didn't fit into my parents "plan" the message became one of "you'll fuck it up."
Wow, lonely and no self-esteem. A square peg in a round hole of a world.
I sit here 15 years after graduating high school and I know that I've accomplished nothing with my life as far as career goes. But let me tell you a few of the things that I've accomplished. The things that I use to prop up my ego when it falters, lol.

For the last 18 months I've paid my ex-wife $250 a week. Always over a third of my check, much of the time, closer to half, and for 6 horrid weeks, 2/3'rds of it. But I did it. Why? Because when we got divorced I didn't want my son's life to get upheaved and I told her I would do what I could to see them stay in the house and for her to finish college.
G'damn but that feels great looking back. I met my responsibility as a father to my son, a friend to a woman that I still love and always will. Divorce doesn't always mean ya hate each other. Meeting her needs as a friend is hard. Harder than the money sometimes. I want to tell her I can't help at times and I have told her that. I want to go off and do my own life. But I don't treat my friends that way when they say thay need help. The reward I've gained from that isn't just her trust. But my own total trust IN myself. I know what I'm saying when I make a promise. And today, I trust myself to meet my obligations. Happily!

Another accomplishment of mine. I've risen above my rearing. I don't treat or talk to my son the way my parents did me. It's very hard to learn how to be different from what I was taught. So, I have to remain forever humble and always willing to be corrected when I regress. It's like having a back seat driver that you know you have to listen to. LOL. I get down and play with my son. God bless but it's fun to be a four year old and play games with no rules! lol... But "Danny, the rules say..." and he'll say "So? NO we doing it this way!" what can you do but shrug. Sometimes you need to go outside of your learned rules to enjoy life.

I take care of ME! I don't have much. But what I do have is the best I can afford and I treat it like it was the best. I take care of things. Make them last. Clean my house. Exercise. Try to watch my diet. I pay all of my bills, on time, every month. Considering I was living in my car when I was 22 and had everyone in the world trying to find money in my pockets I consider this one hell of an accomplishment.

Today, I'm 100% responsible for myself. I know how scary it is to consider moving out by yourself when you've always lived with someone. But it can be done. I know what it's like to come home to an empty house and force myself to accept it and find joy in the fact that I have privacy, lol. Look for the positive in the negative.

Let's just say, I've found my self-worth by doing worthwhile things. I do the best I can to not allow myself to try and buy my happiness, 'cause it's not for sale at wal-mart. You know, go shopping cause I'm bored... I don't screw myself to happiness 'cause that way just brings regrets (guys suffer from post-coital depression too). I don't drink my way to happiness for there is only emptiness at the bottom of a bottle. I don't bitch and whine excessantly but rather I laugh and joke and smile frequently.

Life is meant to be lived. And for all of the things that I didn't accomplish the one that's the most important for me is that I didn't stay a miserable sod. I'm happy today, despite the fact that I've never "amounted" to anything.
That's my greatest accomplishment. Just to be happy with what I have done, and not what I was expected to do.

What's yours?

GraspCrownRusts 46M
780 posts
7/20/2006 8:02 am

Good words of wisdom.

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/20/2006 9:19 am:
thanks man nice jeep in your blog too!

canuhandle1968 49F

7/20/2006 11:10 am

Abu, I think you've grown as a man since I've known you... I'm reading a statement in this blog and remembering that just a few short weeks ago, you believed the total opposite. I'm extemely grateful and proud that we're friends...

I believe that one of the characteristics of the human race - possibly the one that is primarily responsible for its course of evolution - is that it has grown by creatively responding to failure.
- Glenn Seaborg

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/20/2006 12:19 pm:
thanks. I grow up a little more everyday

hornylilgirl78 106F

7/20/2006 12:11 pm

After reading this I'm proud of you, and I don't even know you!

I'm also proud of my independence. I'm proud that despite doomsday warnings from my family (and my ex) I'm 100% making it on my own.



"As kinky as a cheap garden hose!"

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/20/2006 12:20 pm:
being totally self-sufficient is it's own reward

Addy19742 43F

7/20/2006 2:06 pm

You got it now! That is all that matters, right. Thanks for sending me to Mzhunyhole's blog. It is a great post just like yours!

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/20/2006 2:57 pm:
thanks Glad you liked her blog too. It's worth reading every day.

sassy1296 51F

7/20/2006 3:12 pm

Hugs. And wow. This post is great.

My biggest accomplishment is that I have 4 wonderful, healthy children. My oldest, cough, is 21 and out on his own. Has had a job since he was old enough for a paper route and the younger boys are following his example.

I may not have all the glamourous things in the world but I have a home, and my family... to me that is an accomplishment.

Hugs sexy man...You are doing great and there is no bigger accomplishment than being a Daddy. Any man can father a child but it takes a real man to be a dad.

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/20/2006 3:23 pm:
thanks sassy!


7/20/2006 4:14 pm

I have a crazy family. On my mom's side it's great, everyone is welcome but on my dad's side, only those children that were born male are acknowledge. I think it probably bothered me as a kid that my grandmother wanted nothing to do with me but now I just think she's weird lol. I tend to be one of those people that looks at the negative and I'm trying to change that. The fact that you are supporting your ex and your son is more than a good many men do and you should be proud of that. Heck I'm proud of you for that. As far as my greatest accomplishment I'll have to think about that one awhile.

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/20/2006 9:18 pm:
families are the craziest of all, cause we didn't get to pick em


7/20/2006 5:57 pm

You do have a great blog and it's one of my favorites. You seem like a really nice person to get to know. The more I read about you, the more respect I have for you as a person.

The only accomplishment that matters....I have an amazing son that I was blessed with. It takes all of my strength to be a good mom to him, since I didn't have a mom of my own. It's hard, but I do it because I love him so much.

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/20/2006 9:19 pm:
thanks isn't having a kid great?

NSAAddict 42F

7/20/2006 6:17 pm

This was such an excellent blog Ab, and a true insight into the person that you are, you should be proud of what you've done to get to where you are My greatest accomplishment... my friendships and my career so far

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/20/2006 9:19 pm:
thanks Hope I can consider myself an internet friend

rm_WackyEPP 53F
8470 posts
7/21/2006 2:07 am

What a brilliant post!

I'm happy today, despite the fact that I've never "amounted" to anything....Looks like you've 'amounted' to one hell of a fine man to me.

Anyone can learn to read and write almost, but nothing compares to life experiences and the wisdom you can gain if you're willing to learn.

My biggest achievement....My two Sons. My eldest is 21 and in the Royal Air Force, he's matured into a fine young man that I'm very proud of. My youngest who is 8, brings so much joy to my life every single day, as he matures and learns from his own experiences, and also makes me so proud. I love them both Dearly.

Good Luck you, and keep blogging. It's a pleasure to come here, and not just to see your pic.

Wacky Jacky

rm_abutoo2 replies on 7/21/2006 3:43 am:
thanks Whacky

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