|Blogs > rm_abutoo2 > My dirty off beat mind. Online|
Alright, here's the deal. Until I was 22 years old I was a slut. I'd never been friends with a woman that I didn't want to sleep with. Up to that point I had so many one nighters I can't remember them all. I've tried, yesterday. I just can't do it. Maybe if I sat down with pad and pencil I could come close. But hell... I was a manwhore for real. The week of my 22nd birthday I actually slept with 7 different women in ten days. All of them strangers too. I only remember that because I didn't know what the hell I was doing to attract em. I wanted to know though!
I was pretty incapable of being a friend to anyone. Men or women. I didn't like myself, so how could I like you? Well, as life does, it threw me a decision I had to make. Do I keep on with my life as it is, or do I start making some changes? Changes won out. I didn't like waking up face down in the dirt, homeless, 'cause I was drinking right. So I quit drinking.
Wow, it's amazing what happens when you change some shit about you. When you face up to the things in your life that will bring you down. I remember one guy from college. He came up to me a year after I quit and said "dude, I thought you were an asshole when I first met you... blah blah..." lol, see, he saw me at the end of my shit and then a year later, his attitude towards me changed. Because my attitude changed.
I've another attitude change to tell you all too. I don't like one nighters. I don't like to fuck a gal and never see her again. It really just makes me remember what it is I'm missing ya know?
As I come to really love myself, and really like the man I am. I find that I'm really unwilling to continue to treat myself in ways that cause me grief (like trying to be a marriage counselor). I can still be a flirt and a tease, I can still have sex on the brain. I just don't want a woman for sex.
Now, Y'all are thinking something like "he's just saying that." And you're right, I'm just saying it. But I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The way I broke up with my ex-gf changed me y'all. Although I didn't realize it at the time. I recognized the pain and the hurt. And the fact that sex when the love died was shitty. I still tried for a bit to be my old self. Not because I wanted to mind ya, but because I didn't realize that's what I was doing.
Now, I've kinda realized that the best way for me to reinforce this "new" me, of wanting friendship and not pussy is to check out the kind of woman I'm talking to.
Is she available to be a friend? You know... Is she a psycho? Got a man? Does she value herself? Does she know how to be a friend? Is she totally fucked up in the head? (of course, all of ya all are, so we have to work around the f'd up part ) Will she try to kill me when her time of the month rolls around?
So, I have to really look at the type of woman that I'm talking to. I realize that I haven't been picking em very well. That's led to my grief, my own choices.
Another thing is I have to be 100% honest. I've already established that rule. Couple of other rules I have. I won't sleep with a woman that I can't be seen in public with and I won't sleep with a woman that I don't want to sleep with twice.
I want a "woman." Not a girl, not a fuck buddy, not a f.w.b. I like the satisfaction I get from having a great friend. I've never known I could be a friend to a woman without all the other stuff until now. It's not hard, and ya know, I don't look at her as a "man." I look at her as a "woman." A mother, a daughter, a friend...
It's nice to have that y'all. It makes me feel like I'm worth something.
Just fucking someone, and watching them walk away, that gives me a feeling that I'm not worth much. Now, this ain't to say that if a woman shows up, or something happens, I'm gonna turn down some pussy. I don't know that I'll do that. I just know that I'm not going out looking for it.
If you think I'm just blowing smoke and bullshitting, well I don't blame ya. But hell, the last two weeks would be the time for it wouldn't it? Have you seen me in one "pick up" joint? Nope, not one bar or anywhere else. I know that getting laid isn't going to solve my problems.
Hell, it's kinda like drinking isn't it. It can actually make shit worse. You know, std's and pregnancy, crazy ex-lovers... hell. I need this time. So, today I'm really grateful for these four people:
Michelle: wow y'all. Here's a woman with an inner strength... I can't tell ya enough good stuff about her. I love her to pieces and don't ever consider sleeping with her.
Jade: I've known her for quite some time. Internet buddies the whole time. She's got a great charisma and a "follow through" that gets people to want to follow her. I'm sure that she doesn't see herself as a leader. I've been getting to know her a lot better here lately. Timing right y'all?
Kim: My best friend. I just don't go to him for marital advice 'cause he's been married 6 times. But hey y'all 4 times to the same woman. Let's just say there's something special about your best friend when you can cry on his shoulder in broad daylight. I love him more than a brother. I love him like a friend.
Billy: I've never met ol' Billy. I can't wait though. He's his own special type of guy. He got really done wrong and locked himself away from things for a while. Isolated for years. He's just now pulling out of that, with the help of a really great woman. He was there for me and told me the truth when I didn't want to hear it. Kindly and compassionately (to me anyway, he'd kill my ex gf).
Anyway, y'all. If you ain't got a friend... find one. Learn to be your own friend and don't, under any circumstances, trade one of your best friends for anybody new! Don't compromise your love and loyalty. Stay loyal and love your true friends, 'cause if you have to try and kick someone out of your life for a new man, or a new woman, well... they ain't made to be there. You're trying to cram a square peg in a round hole.
8/21/2006 8:46 am
Life is amazing... Some people fear change, when in reality, change can be a very good thing!! Sometimes even when life changes for us, we think it's a bad deal, only to find out later that it had a very good reason... I believe it's called fate! Predestination... Love ya back!! But you knew this, right?? |
8/21/2006 9:37 am
Its a tough world out there! You need to do what you want in life and screw (not literally) the people who take advantage of your kindness. Do what you feel in your heart!|
I'll have a cafe, mocha, vodka, valium latte to go please!
Good girls go to heaven.....bad girls go down!!
8/21/2006 9:58 am
You think WE are the f'ed up ones??? OMG, have you looked at guys lately? J/J, some women are psycho as hell. I know this from personal experience too. My ex's mistress decided that even though he didn't want to be with her, he was gonna be anyway. Well, she's in his house right before Christmas and he tells her she needs to leave. She starts hitting him! Wait, it gets better! He pushed her away, calls 911. They have her on tape, she started punching herself in the face and screaming that she was going to have him put in jail for it!!! As of about a month ago, she's living there, but she's not. Figure that one out???|
I'm about ready to settle in with the right person too. Willing to take it slow, but wanting to snuggle up with the same person at night and wake up next to them in the morning. I also had sworn off the 1 nighters. Granted, I had sex with my current guy on the first date, (ok, visit to his house, I had a broken foot and was on crutches), but not before I talked to him for hours before that night. Right now, I'm content with where we are, but ready for more when he is.
8/22/2006 8:15 pm
Glad to hear you have some great friends in your life. Need another???|