insomnia  

rm_abutoo2 44M
708 posts
8/10/2006 8:02 pm

Last Read:
8/24/2006 1:34 pm

insomnia

Well, I guess I've found something that will keep me up other than my computer crashing. I'm laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. It's 4 1/2 hours till my get up time and I'm still awake.
It's going to be a hard morning.

You know, we set ourselves up to expect everything. Get all we can do done. And then the time comes and everything changes. Like the flicking of a switch, the lights are out.
Ever move? Notice how empty that house seems when all of your stuff is gone from it and nothing is left but the bare walls? All of the things that made it your home are gone. Just the shell remains and it no longer feels like "home." Its just another house, ready for it's new occupants to come in and remove any traces of you that still remain.
That's kind of how my life feels at the moment. I'm not depressed as in "I'm so sad, I wanna die," or anything. But I do recognize that everything is changed forever. It's the little crap too, the stuff I didn't think about that gets me. Some of the stuff that I knew was gonna get me, it does, but not much. I expected that you know? But what about the small stuff? The spur of the moment stuff I did. Something I'd buy for him. Taking him swimming on the afternoon. Swinging by and picking him up from daycare on my way home from work.
Anyone got a kid I can borrow? lol.
Even a new home wouldn't be the home I had. I'd still love it all the same. Different reasons to be sure. You just can't replace the things in life that you held dear. I don't care if there are 50 of em on a shelf somewhere. That item held meaning because of itself and the time that you held it. The things we keep that hold no value to anyone else. Much of the time, they have no use except to bring us a bit of pleasure. Not like a flashlight, or a tool. Something that we've carried with us. An ornament, an item in a collection, a special keep-sake tin, a certain book, that favorite pocket knife... all of them have created their own memory. And you just can't go and pay to have that memory replaced. It's like I know I'm just fooling myself if I try.
So, I was laying in bed and I'm wondering what paths my life is going to take from here on. Who I'm gonna end up with. Where I'm gonna end up? Am I gonna have a dog? Can it be a Border Collie? Do I just stay at my job and let life go by and see where the tide pushes me?
Land on an island for a bit and explore... then cast myself adrift to await landing on another?
I can do the metaphor thing all night. Bottom line is... it's really real now y'all. It's really real and I'm lost without that direction. I'm saddened. A deep feeling of melancholy reality. Underneath all of this I know everything is going to be fine. God's gonna take care of me. But in my head I just don't know what to do when I can't do what I used to.
It's like getting divorced a second time. Only, not so much grief. Just restlessness and anxiety. And just so you know, I miss her too. Especially since in the last month we've had to do so much together. Confided a lot of our fears to one another. Consoled one another. Supported each other. We were friends folks. Not friendly, but FRIENDS. And I've lost my friend too.
I know, I know... A true friendship survives any distance. But it ain't the same and I don't care how much philosophical crap we crank out. It just ain't the same.


rm_AnOddGirl 57F
3469 posts
8/11/2006 12:11 am

I had friends ripped away from me after the flood. No goodbyes, no hugs, no tears. The anger remains even if it is impotent...


rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/11/2006 12:52 am:
wow, talk about being in one world on tuesday and another on wednesday. had to be rough.

SingleNLooking72 105F

8/11/2006 8:21 am

This is alot how I felt when I found out my ex was having an affair. You put your entire life and being into something and you look up and it's gone forever. Even if you try to put it back, things just don't fit the same as they did before. I spent 15 years with this man, and my wonderful 13 y/o son is the only good thing I have to show for it.

If we are lucky, and God shines favor on us, we will find something to fill that void. Everything in between loves is filler. It may be great, wonderful, personality changing, character building, think it's right when it's not, good times...but it's all filler. When the right person comes into your life again, it will be wonderful, better than ever. I'm still waiting for that "perfect opportunity" to happen myself. I just love how love sneaks up on us when we least expect it. Sometimes I think that with all the men in my life, one of them should be right. Maybe one of them is, but it won't show itself until the time is right. The hardest problem I'm facing right now is the fact that I have feelings for a man that just isn't available in that way right now. So, for now, I just enjoy it, be a good friend (or whatever else I can be) to him, and wait and see. I get SO frustrated sometimes, and wonder how damn long do I wait!? I just posted abou this the other day....

Good luck...."this too shall pass"...

{=} Mz LJ


rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/11/2006 2:35 pm:
you're better than me, lol. I won't let myself chase em if they want to stay with someone else. I'm not second best. as you said... if it's meant to be. But I don't think it's fair to myself to frustrate me in search of someone that doesn't want me more than they want another.

MWWwantmore 51F

8/11/2006 8:41 am

Its hard I am sure, but hopefully you will get through it alright. I kinda feel that way with my kids getting older, they do their own thing and dont need me anymore! I see them for only a few minutes some days. I miss the days when we would do things together!



I'll have a cafe, mocha, vodka, valium latte to go please!

Good girls go to heaven.....bad girls go down!!


rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/11/2006 2:37 pm:
it's rough to watch anyone make a mistake when we can see the mistake. But, they will learn more from screwing up and having to fix it then they will if we tell 'em. That's where wisdom comes from isn't it? Experience. And it's definitely hard to not want them back to when we are the center of their life, lol.

SingleNLooking72 105F

8/11/2006 5:47 pm

I think you misunderstood me. He's not available because he's not ready to get that serious. This person wants to take things VERY SLOW. I'm fine with that seeing as my divorce is less than a year old, but you know, it's nice to wake up next to somebody you care about on a regular basis. I think that's the biggest thing I miss about being married.

There is another person that I would love to be with that is married, but I have no grand illusion of that happening. I don't chase him, and for the forseeable future, we are just very gd friends. If, at some point, he is available for a relationship and wants that, we will discuss it and see where it goes. But I refuse to have to face a man's chilren, or family, knowing that I was the "reason" that he's not with his wife any longer. If he and his wife have issues and it comes to that, it's not a 100% guarantee that I'll be there by his side waiting for the ink to dry so we can be together. I had that done to me, in a way, and refuse to do that to another woman or child. If at any time, he wished to end it, that would be it, plain and simple.

Unlike some women that play with married men, I'm not husband shopping. I'm content to let fate take it's course. If more women would learn to do that instead of being greedy with the man, less people would get hurt. Ah hell, I feel a blog about this coming on. I'll get off my soapbox about this for now!


rm_abutoo2 44M
1078 posts
8/11/2006 5:53 pm

lol, you get on your soapbox! No offense here. Thanks for clarifying that, because I did indeed misunderstand you the first time. And anything that anyone feels that they want to share here is fine with me. I try to accept people as the come. Just so long as it's not injurious and unreasonable, it's allowable.


sassy1296 51F

8/12/2006 3:18 am

Hang tough sweetie. With everything in life there is a period of getting use to it. You are going to be fine. Hugs.


rm_abutoo2 replies on 8/13/2006 9:05 pm:
aye, time, time time... and then a bit more time

Become a member to create a blog