clear definitions  

rm__Reality_ 105F
105 posts
9/24/2005 4:58 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

clear definitions

My role in AdultFriendFinder is so clearly defined. I am the "den mother", the confidante, and i wouldnt change that for the world!

I love my friends and so appreciate that people trust me enough to come to me when they need a shoulder. I will always be there and always listen.

Its apparent however, that no one expects me to have the experiences so many have in AdultFriendFinder. I am not seen as a person who suffers heartbreak or even gets involved with anyone. I don't talk about my sexuality nor do i say much about my encounters.

This am, there was a gal or two in the room, talking about getting their hearts broken. I dont know what prompted me, but i decided to share a recent experience. It was almost as if i embarrased folks. It took two postings before anyone acknowledged what I said, and then, it seemed to make them uncomfortable.

I realize that, since i don't normally talk about my "love life", it might have seemed out of the norm for good ol "Reality" to be doing so , hell, given my health situation, its prolly inconceivable that i even have one.

I'm not gonna change. I am who i am, and hopefully i serve a purpose. I wouldnt want it any other way.

While i loved this man {reheat} and he said he loved me back, i knew the boundaries. They were clear and couldnt be breached. However, I believed him when he said that we would always have a bond, that never would i lose him. It made no sense to me that he would just vanish. I worried myself sick not knowing what happened to him. Then Lil told me that he had been in the room saying his goodbyes, telling them that he was deleting his profile. At least i knew he was ok, he wasnt dead somewhere!! But, why he would do this remains a mystery. Our closeness was without question. he knew what to expect, that i would never ever make demands he couldnt keep. But i did believe that i would always have him in my life. That, at the very least, I would know if there came a time that he could no longer share with me.

I had an episode {health} at the last meetngreet in Portsmouth. He was there. He spent a lot of time with me, in my room, until i made him go to the party. After all, thats what he came for! The next day, he arrived at my house, worried, caring. He stayed, his concern, his love were very real. Never would i have guessed that just a few short weeks later, he would be gone.

Even my best friend doesnt understand the magnitude of the hurt i feel. We barely discuss it, except in passing, every once in awhile. Its as if my heart lost its ability to feel along with its ability to function properly.

I have stated, more than once, to close friends, that i no longer care to meet new people. That my "lovelife" is on a back burner over a very very low heat. Maybe, no one quite realizes that I dont necessarily want it this way. Its just what it is. Since i got sick, i don't have the self confidance to go out into the adult world and play. I never had much self esteem and now, well, its non existant.

So, it is what it is!! And, thankfully i discovered blogging so i have a place to vent and then, let it go!

redmustang91 57M  
8656 posts
9/24/2005 6:10 am

Sorry for your sadness. Sex and relationships can be different for men and women. some men just want the fun and then end that phase of life and go on to a new one. Some women act that way as well. Others become attached and miss the past connection. One analogy is a dance party. Some come and dance with the same person all night and bond. Others keep choosing different partners and have lots of short experiences. My advice to you is to get back into the dance and choose a new partner! It is more fun to enjoy the activity than just watch from the sidelines.

rm_songbird5419 62F
305 posts
9/24/2005 6:58 am

Reality, your best friend understands better than you know. My heart aches for you. Maybe I've never said that to you, so I"m saying it now. I know the emptiness and I know the pain. It's awful. I wish it were different for you because I know how deeply you feel for him. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better, but I can't. So I just try to do little things for you...visit you, do your nails, your hair, so you can feel better about yourself. You looked so pretty lasst weekend for the wedding. You were so happy with your family. I hoped that wonderful day helped heal your pain just a little bit. You know I love you.

If you are strong and push through the pain and the fear, you often find that happiness is waiting for you on the other side.

rm__Reality_ 105F
67 posts
9/24/2005 10:28 am

thanks for your supportive post , redmustang.

Song, you know i love you too. I wasnt making a dig as much as i was just baring my soul, cathertic, remember!!

I am always aware of what you do for me, and i always know the reasons why.

I think what i meant, is i have always been so careful to keep the lines of propriety clearly defined with him, i didnt, until now, admit openly how deeply this cut. I shoulda known you knew *S*

rm_songbird5419 62F
305 posts
9/24/2005 12:47 pm

Catharsis is ALWAYS good for the soul. *S*

If you are strong and push through the pain and the fear, you often find that happiness is waiting for you on the other side.

jajo696 62F
27 posts
9/26/2005 1:04 am

Real......I feel for well. Its interesting to hear from a man on this...and i appreciate redmustangs posting. Not only that he felt it....but felt ok...enough to share it.

Its amazing how deeply some can " feel" from an online relationship..never mind the ones that carry over into real time. Whatever the reasons for his departure ( and it will drive you crazy trying to figure it out ).....the pain cuts sharp and deeply. I think most painful is ...the way said departure was carried out.

Its like i always say....the process of things....can go a long way in smoothing/ soothing rough edges.

So...take your time...we all have our own mechanisms for grieving...and you are grieving the demise of a relationship. Soon'll be as mustang said...dusting off the ole dancing shoes....and back into the fray ( as crazy as it )

Until then...just know that many of us...understand.

~ ja

634694u 46M

9/28/2005 8:42 pm

I actually put the cart before the horse on this one but o'well-read your latest and replied first. Redmustang is right. When I was a boy my mother literally put me through the "get back on that horse" bit a thousand times. Twenty-five years later, I can still ride like hell and every now and then, you got it, I hit the dirt. Everybody falls and sometimes we get hurt. Sometimes we break our hearts with someone and sometimes we break bones trying to cover (ride) the bulls. they both heal, then It's time to ride again. Saddle-up when your ready and then go like hell! take care!

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