Carolina bound  

rm__Reality_ 104F
105 posts
5/1/2006 5:38 am

Last Read:
5/1/2006 12:29 pm

Carolina bound


I had no intention of living with Cam in NC. I had twin boys age 16 who were coping with the death of their father and that wouldn’t be fair to them. Cam found a condo complex on the ocean near his island. Winter rentals are relatively cheap in NC and this was a three bedroom, two bath furnished condo. My kids had never known luxury and he thought this would be a good healing place for them. There was a indoor pool, tennis courts, sauna, weight room and of course, the ocean.

I didn’t even have a car at this point, my old beater couldn’t make the trip. Thanks to friends, Hew who got us to Virginia, Perk and Ashes who got us the rest of the way. We packed up and headed out with very little. The kids needed their things that was important to their well being, so to make room, most of mine went into storage. Due to a house fire the month before, I didn’t have a lot left anyway. I cried most of the way to NC, tears of joy I was finally going to the man I adored.

When he walked up the stairs I was still crying , lol. We hugged and kissed and it felt as if we had always been together. We spent that first evening reveling in the fact that this was really happening. To believe in love without meeting is hard to fathom but if it wasn’t love, then it was love at first sight!!!!

North Carolina is a beautiful place. The boys seemed happy and we “vacationed” for two months. Cam tried to befriend them. He brought fishing rods for them, we took them places. Course at 16 they didn’t want much to do with us, and they weren’t accepting of Cam because of their father. They began school in January which made their lives more normal. The holidays were tough. Cam had to go to W/S, he was an only child and his parents are aged. I couldn’t go with the boys, that wouldn’t be fair to them so we stayed home and had the holidays just the three of us. I wanted to spend every moment with Cam but I was a Mother first. We exchanged our Christmas gifts on my birthday the week before. I gave him custom business cards and a custom made sign for his boat “Against the Wind” he gave me diamonds.

After the holidays were over it was apparent that Cam was not doing well. Up until this point chemo hadnt been necessary but now, his white count indicated that it was time. He began distancing himself emotionally. He was self medicating with a lot of weed. He was making shady nighttime runs to the mts, meeting less than desirable people on dark back roads. I remember one night in particular, we were talking on the cell when he said, there's a man approaching me and the phone went dead. I died a thousand deaths till he called back. I knew, i understood. Bonnie had once said that "Desperado" was Cam's song. His way of coping was to shut down and drive away those that cared the most. Soon, i discovered that he was cheating with much younger women. His mortality had looked him in the eye and he was fighting it with all he had. I also discovered that some of his dealings hit too close to home with the boys. If i had been alone i would have stayed, nothing he did would have driven me away. But i was trying to cope with teenagers who didnt have a great deal of respect for womanhood let alone me {thanks to their Father's philosophy} Trying to be the authority figure was almost impossible as it was. I did what i had to for their sake.

To say that i barely survived leaving Cam is an understatement. Only those closest to me know how i suffered. Perk, ThatHurts, Mikey. Without them, without my kids, i wouldnt be here.

"Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
You been out ridin’ fences for so long now
Oh, you’re a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin’ you
Can hurt you somehow

Don’ you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She’ll beat you if she’s able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get

Desperado, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no youger
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin’
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late "

Thank God, this isnt the end of the story

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