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Jester vs. Bear, a true story.
Jester vs. Bear, a true story.
Recently I was asked to retell the tale of the night I did battle with a black bear in the woods of Northern Wisconsin. So I decided to retell it here, so once and for all it will be available to all without having to pester me in the chat rooms.
I will tell the tale without flourish or heavy handed metaphores like I do when in the chatrooms.
Here we go.
About three years ago, I was spending some time with a ladyfriend at a friend of my father's cabin in northern Wisconsin. We were sleeping after a night of intimate summer fun, and around 2:30 am I was awakened by the sounds of someone rooting around behind the cabin.
I decided to investigate. I am a city boy, and had no desire to put up with vandalizing provincials.
Behind the cabin there were piles of building materials, as my father's friend was doing some work on upgrading the cabin and such. So I picked up a 2x4 and crept as quietly as I could toward the sounds I heard.
Sure enough, there was someone knocking around the trash cans and making quite the mess. Although I couldn't see the culprit I could make out shadows.
It looked to me like a fat man who was probably drunk. It seemed to me that this tubby little fellow was in need of a stern talking to. So I went right up to him with the plank ready to give him a wallop.
Much to my surprise, it was not a fat man, but a black bear. It wasn't a big bear, as bears go. He was probably a good 350 pounds though. When he took notice of me he reared up on his hind legs putting him at equal height with yours truly.
They say everyone has a fight or flight reflex when presented with danger. But for me I was quite calm as I looked at the pros and cons of both options.
Running was a fine idea, except I wasn't sure if the bear was going to try and chase me, or if it would leave if I fled.
Fighting it seemed silly, considering IT WAS A BEAR.
So I decided to split the difference. I would yell really loud and swing the plank at it, drop the plank and run away.
This was my plan, but right away my plan wasn't working.
I tried to yell, honest. But no sound came out. Maybe a little squeal but definitely not a yell.
Just the same, I was executing the plan step by mentally prepared step.
So next came the swing of the plank.
I had not planned on actually making contact with the creature. But there it was...that gut wrenching thunk of wood on bear skull.
The bear did not move, it looked at me and I looked at it. I think we were both equally astounded at what I had done.
So, with a bit more intestinal fortitude, I brought the plank back up and this time I yelled.
It yelled back, sort of. It was more of a howl.
So I swung again, this time I caught it in the side of the face. I hit it hard enough to turn him a bit. (I'm assuming it was a him, because I don't like the idea of hitting females of any species. I didn't really have time to do a genital check though.)
I brought the board back in the opposite direction and caught him square on the snout.
At this point I think smokey had had enough, and he withdrew a bit.
I waved the board around yelling like a mad man. I saw him turn and bound off into the night. The woods around the cabin were again peaceful. I stayed put for a few minutes until I was more or less certain it was gone.
I picked up the mess, keeping one eye on the woods. When I was finished, I went back inside the cabin, and exchanged the 2x4 for a hunting rifle. I stayed at the kitchen window keeping watch until the sun came up.
It never returned.
So that, my friends, is the story of how I fought a bear.
10/24/2005 12:51 pm
... makes mental note to self... Do not fight with beers....|
10/25/2005 2:59 am
ummm... EE .... I think you do like to do other things with beers.... LOL|
Jester, that yell was there in your mind and eyes. The bear must have combined that with the swings of the plank...
glad you 'won'.... and were with us last weekend