Prologue to the "Best Joke Everrr!"  

rm_VoodooGuru1 49M
2116 posts
5/5/2006 4:26 am

Last Read:
5/10/2006 9:53 pm

Prologue to the "Best Joke Everrr!"

More than eight months of blogging and I’ve never told a “Coleslaw Story”; amazing.

Coleslaw is one of my oldest friends. We’re fraternity brothers, we were roommates in college as well as different times in different parts of the country since. He is also one of the most annoying ass-gnomes I’ve ever met, and one of the dumbest guys I know. This in spite of the fact that he holds a Master’s degree in Chemistry.

He’s boorish and rude; he eats with his mouth open, smacking his gums together, and when called on it, announces indignantly that he can’t help it... “How would you like to have chronically inflamed cold sores?”

My mother would visit me in Florida once a year, sometimes bringing my elementary school-aged nephew. Coleslaw thought nothing of swearing in front of either of them... and not just “shit” or “damn,” but “pussy,” “cunt,” “cocksucker,” etc. I warned him on this many times, and when he kept doing it I finally had to (literally) bitch-slap him to let him know I was serious. This cured him for the most part, but he’s never quite forgiven me for it.

Coleslaw is some kind of savant... fucker got an A in organic chem, arguably the hardest class you can take at the undergrad level (well, OrgChem and Applied Mathematical Game Theory). Yet, he didn’t know that a square was also a rectangle.

The guy is barely literate and writes at what I would assess as a ninth grade level. He doesn’t test well, his GRE test scores were miserable. He and I and another friend, Froggy, were at the movies and a still advert from Chik-fil-A came on... ya know, the ones with the cows that can’t spell?

Chick-fil-A is a big chicken sandwich fast food chain in the American South, and they had this ad campaign that was slightly amusing; the premise was that these cows wanted you to eat chicken rather than beef. But they can’t spell so good, because... well, they’re cows. So this advert for the movie screen has a couple cows painting a sign to encourage us to “eat mor chikin". Coleslaw, who apparently hasn’t seen the huge billboard with the same words on it that he drives past twice each day, who evidently thinks "chikin" is a proper spelling, and who clearly doesn’t get the simple joke, gets all excited and is like, “Dude! Those dumb bastards spelled “more” wrong!”

Froggy and I just looked at each other; neither of us could believe our fucking ears in spite of the fact that we were both well aware of Coleslaw’s stupidity.

Coleslaw’s anger at everyone and everything compounded his role as our bette noir. He had a chip the size of a California redwood on his shoulder that precluded anyone from empathizing with him. Indeed, he had a good number of fun friends at the research facility he worked at who eventually stopped hanging with him, but still wanted to hang with me & Froggy. I’d get a call at work on Friday from Keri-Hottie or Dennis the Felon telling me where happy hour was that night, “Tell Froggy... but don’t tell Coleslaw!”

Everyone was out to get him, right? Especially the police.

Coleslaw was forever getting speeding tickets, especially on Florida Route 19 to and from work each day. Readers from Tampa Bay will back me up here, this six mile long St. Pete/Clearwater stretch of rt. 19 that he took is ranked among the five worst stretches of highway for pedestrian deaths every year. You think cops aren’t aware of this? You think cops aren’t going to patrol this road?

“Those fucking pigs! Why can’t they leave me alone? They see my car and automatically pull me over!”

“Coleslaw,” I’d say, “... you drive a bright red Camaro! You drive 90 mph and you squeal your tires at every green light and stop sign. You want fewer tickets? Buy a green Volvo, put a baby-seat in the back, and DRIVE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING!!!”

So you get the idea about this asshole then, yeah? You understand that he’d be the stooge for many practically-based follies, both good-natured and cruel; you understand that anyone who knew this miserable motherfucker would want to assist in any attempt to bring him down?

Good. You have to understand Coleslaw to understand why we would fuck with him so bad... which I’ll detail in my next post, eh? I’ve prattled on long enough for today.

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
5/5/2006 11:07 am

I always knew that Coleslaw and chicken were good together.
(Please, sir, I want some more)

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]

rm_VoodooGuru1 replies on 5/10/2006 6:55 pm:
Ever have "red slaw"? These crazy southern folk make it with catsup in lieu of mayo. It ain't so good.

Knot4Everyone 40F

5/5/2006 3:13 pm

What did you guys do to poor ol' Coleslaw? What happened??? C'mon, you can tell me!!! Bet you didn't know I could be a very impatient person, did you?

cuteNEway 41F

5/5/2006 6:38 pm

Never knew peeps like that even existed outside of "Animal House" lmao!

rm_VoodooGuru1 replies on 5/10/2006 6:57 pm:
Oh... I could tell you some stories, hon. But it would embarass me so.

MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
5/6/2006 8:10 pm

Coleslaw? Froggy? Dare I ask what your nickname was?

rm_VoodooGuru1 replies on 5/10/2006 7:02 pm:
They called me "MoreCoffeeMan".

cuteNEway 41F

5/7/2006 8:10 am

Wait I just remembered a frat boy I bedded in Texas...aaaahhh never underestimate a 21 year old frat boy...but I digress. The brothers called the boy idea why >>sigh<<

rm_VoodooGuru1 replies on 5/10/2006 7:03 pm:
Texas frat boy? You know he voted for Bush, yeah?

rm_AnOddGirl 57F
3469 posts
5/10/2006 8:48 pm

AssGnomes? Dayum that's a pretty word.


rm_VoodooGuru1 replies on 5/10/2006 9:55 pm:
Yeah, they're mortal enemies of the cock-goblins.

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