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(This post is dedicated to Lebanese Males from the age of 18 to 6
I have been corresponding through this web service for a while now and it has been extremely generous with me. Through its facilities I have been fortunate to meet a couple of interesting women both of whom were older than myself, but a delight to chat with and e-mail discreetly.
All Lebanese males appreciate the smell, texture, and taste of our traditional pastry, so try to imagine these women's e-mails as nothing less than a hot sizzling plate of carnal and ascetic pleasure combined and served to one another's mutual delight.
The problem I have stumbled accross is with other ladies whether on this site or in common life was their inability to express themselves without extended prologues. It seems that out community has superimposed its nature upon our mode of communication that we now fail to understand one another on a mental level.
Granted it is semi-easy to make introductions and get acquainted with the ladies, but when it comes to expressing our thoughts we hit the wall of sincerity and the fear of judgement. It seems that our mode of conversation transforms into a lavish dance around the words until we figure out what the other person wants to hear before we express ourselves to them.
I do not claim that we males are not like that. As a matter of fact we have been known to say exactly what a woman wants to hear and split once we are done. (Shamfully it is true.) The problem I cannot seem to shake is how to get the person with me to express her feelings without want to please me as the receptor.
I do not mean a lady has to be vulgar with her opinion, or outright rude like one date of mine was once and immediately began criticising a person's political beliefs out front only after 5 minutes of being acquainted. But why do we fear having different interests or taste and sometimes compromise our likes and dislikes for the sake of not upsetting the person we are dating, or going out with.
I guess we are afraid that if we do not convince that person that we have similar taste, then we would lose them. Perhaps that is true. Perhaps we cannot tolerate spending time with a person that does not see the world the way we do or is different than us.
The reason I have been ranting about this quality of twisting our words to the liking of the other is because I have just hit a snag in my relationship with a person when I realized she was miserable listening to my type of music and noticed that she was constantly uneasy and crancky when we were in the car and I turn on my favorite album.
She never before in our three month relationship complained about that quality in me and this got me thinking that she maybe unhappy with alot more qualities and affraid to say.
What if she is not happy with our private life? What if she was unhappy with my choice of hangouts and she was only humoring me because she expects that a Lebanese girl should be docile to her guys choices.
I know many of you ladies are not docile but don't tell me that you have never bent the rules a bit especially when your date was a guy worth keeping for a second date for some reason.
Is there a test? Is there a way to find out? Or do I even want to find out and risk losing a wonderful person?
The longer this goes on, the harder it will be on both of us, especially when the qualities in me that annoy her are impossible to change without altering your Identity completely.
So...Guys... If you were in a relationship that you suspected was holding the other person captive, would you (a) end it quietly though abruptly (b) go on and pretend nothing was wrong or (c) attempt to make your partner genuinely like the things that you do and try to find out what things they want to change in you.
8/2/2006 3:04 pm
I would be mortified if I thought that the person that I was with felt trapped or was being held captive. I want to be with someone for the person they are and would hope that they wanted the same. |
I try not to be judgemental, although there are times when I can be. I LISTEN to others opinions - I read in a handout from a course the other day that whilst you're talking, you really aren't listening. I sat back and thought "how many of my so called friends" just talk over me and yet I listen to them.
Differences are what makes a relationship interesting - but you have to have some common interests too.
8/3/2006 4:52 pm
No one can change another. No one. A person may attempt to change self and in small measure it may be done. The key is I think open talk and open listen. I can speak but she must hear,she can speak and I must hear. (And if you knew Xxxx, you'd better be listening , well. lol )|
Maybe it is just understanding the other and respecting or even embracing the differences. The large person should row. The smart person should navigate. And the person with the best eyes should steer. If we changed all to be the same, the boat might bob helplessly on the tide.
8/18/2006 12:33 am
Do you know something? I know exactly what precise flexing of language you speak of.|
Let me address its something i've wanted to do for a long time. Because I have caught myself 'playing safe' as it were. For a brief time, I was in a relationship where 'he' lived in with me. I am a reader, a writer, I have solitary interests and I had lived alone previously. I do not watch TV much so it was dusty when he first put it on.
The noise was hardly noticeable the first few days. I would even sit alonside...But by the second week, I was a mess. from having the whole of a 3 bedroom area to myself to roam at large I had come to prefer cringing and muttering to myself in the furthest corner I could locate from the damn TV. But if I caught his eye, I'de bite a lip to remember not to fling myself at him and snatch away that remote control and then gouge his eyes out in irritation.
He had invaded my space and I let him.
Cool post. thanks for writing it down!!