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Damn I Hope It Ends Here
Damn I Hope It Ends Here
I had been away from home for a few days and when I returned last night I found an instant message for me from my former love. I'm going to post that message and my response to it only because I tried to talk to her about it and she treated me as though I didn't exist. Granted she did not ask me to stop by her favorite bar, where she can be found everyday after work, to make sure there were no misunderstandings but I felt it was important. I guess it was only to me.
She has a degree in English and is a professional writer so I must assume she was quite drunk when she wrote this, pretty much a daily ritual.
G: honestly, if you have to let me go, let me go! only you know that. i don't. i don't feel as you do. i'm sorry. i tried my best to make you understand, now maybe you can grasp it. i miss you as my friend. you desired more. i didn't. i still living as if i want to be a widow. i'm not you, and you aren't me. i will forever miss you, but i must say goodbye. i will always and love you. that will never change. i am different, different than you, you never accepted that, I wish you were my forever fre
G: i'm not there.
G: i'm forever lost in your world and in mine when it comes to us. i love you and can't stop, but i do love myself more. take care, and may the devil beside you but not in you.
: I wasn't given the choice of wether to let you go or not. I am unreliable, non caring and insensitive to your feelings. Also I was not good enough for you and you needed to remake your life, so I was expendable to you. I am just now beginning to move on. I also miss your friendship but sometimes I wonder how my friend would take the most negative feelings I have for myself ( that of not being good enough for or deserving something I want so much) and toss them in my face. It only served to make me believe that even more And pushed me back to a place where death felt like a better option than living. I can't go there cause there would be no way back, only in a box. My kids still need me and I need them so I am trying to find some of that love of self.
: I do have to admire the mess I made of my life, I set out to tear it down and I did a damn fine job. You are right I did desire more with you but I only got glimpses of it on occassion. I wanted that heart felt loving connection with you but somehow I could not keep you there when you would display those feelings. I took it as though you were afraid of another relationship and being hurt. Now we both have the pain without having ever had the pleasure of what could have been. It didn't seem to take you long to move on to another fuk buddy. In your blog you sounded as though you were a schoolgirl in love with fucking your friend. How do you think I felt? I am sure that you don't really care. This is why I hold out no hope of us being together.
: You use sex as a weapon to hurt me and I always tried to use it to bring you pleasure. Maybe I'm the fucked up one but you must see by now that I do love myself and I wont be a doormat just because I love another. I am sorry for the way things worked out. I did really enjoy the time I spent with you and I have many good memories. I know that I should have just lived with the attitude that we were never going to be more than FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. I couldn't and I fell in love. You couldn't handle that and ran scared. Such is life! I place no blame and hold no anger I only think what might have been.
: As for friends ... I will forever think of you as a special friend, one who I shared more with than any other ... and I don't forget my friends. If you need me you can be sure I will be there for you, not to judge you. I can't hang out and drink with you without wanting sex, yes the attraction is still there, but there is not anything I would not do to help you when you need it. I do not get pleasure from your pain either physical or emotional so please never feel as though I do. I want you to be happy and have the kind of life you desire. You deserve that at the very least. And lastly there is a part of me that will ALWAYS BE IN LOVE WITH YOU. I know that I may have failed at showing you how important you were to me but that doesn't mean you weren't.
: Good luck to you --and like you -- I WILL FOREVER MISS YOU---- LOVE A.
All she would say to me when I stopped to see her was that I was trying to lay all the blame on her.
By the way she treated me again today it is making it much easier to move forward without her in my life.
From what was written does anyone get the impression that I am dodging my responsibilities for her feeling as she did? Does it seem as though I blame her or just that I wish to allow the pieces of shattered lives to fall where they will?
If you agree with her please help me to understand.
10/11/2005 5:21 am
I agree with what I thought most of my life .Ooooops ,I meant all of my life .Nothing should end here ,switch that off ,turn it out !|
It should and will go on and on and on -RIGHT -we ,who can feel pain or hurt , are very capable of feeling the exact oposite -happyness and joy and love and ....<---fillitinyourself .I am busy reading what your article or blog is about and cheer up,please (I mean if you have to ).
10/11/2005 9:16 pm
Thanks for reading....and leaving a comment. I only want the drama to end. My former lover insisted I get out of her life but when I did she kept trying to drag me back in, not to ease my pain but to inflict more.|
You can call me daddy!