|Blogs > rm_TwistedWhore > Mediocre meanderings|
As of late I've been contemplating the various aspects of my life in which I find very little or no happiness...and I've reached a conclusion: I enjoy having perspective, even if it means the catalyst for perspective involves copious amounts of anguish.
I haven't really decided how fucked up this thought process is yet, but I'm leaning toward the unhealthy end of the spectrum.
It sems so much easier for me to find the wrong than the right these days. I have an unquenchable thirst for misery, a heartfelt desire to know that I can conquer whatever life throws at me...which I've reasoned equals undertaking emotions, feelings, challenges that may not be sane or healthy. It's a sick "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mentality. Death has become so prevalent in my life that I'm almost numb to it, but cannot seem to seperate myself from the reality of it entirely. I don't want to be robotic, though I can see the benefits of living a life without emotion. I'm starting to think at some point in the next 2 years I may have to change professions. I wonder if human medicine is different. Being the emo-dumbass-liberal I am, I would tend to think watching people die would be easier than watching animals die. We are all so flawed and destructive, while animals seem to assume an aura of innocence and grace that simply is. I LOVE my job, I love that I have the opportunity to contribute to saving a furry life. I hate that I become attached to animals that never even have half a chance. I abhor the fact that there is only so much I can do, that sometimes the best outcome for an animal is death. I despise watching suffering, and being powerless to stop it. I hate that finance plays such a huge role in whether or not the opportunity to live is granted. Would I euthanize my grandmother if she became ill and I couldn't afford treatment? Hell fucking no. Who decided animals are our property? Who made that fucking rule? They sure as shit didn't, and it strikes me as tragically unfair that because animals can't communicate in our language we discount them as being less than...less important, less deserving, less inspiring.
As a child I hated school with such a passion I often found myself wishing to be reincarnated as a dog or cat in my next life. How atrociously naive is that? After witnessing the suffering of creatures unable to express their predicaments, I think I'll pass on the reincarnation scene.
Why is my heart so full of emptiness? How can one person allow themselves to become attached to any and everything that will ultimately end in heartbreak? This is my fatal flaw, this is where empathy becomes a bitter cyanide capsule. I want to see the sun, the glass half full and a plethora of varied cliches promoting positivity. If it's what I want, why wont I allow myself to grasp it?
My current position allows for much less attachment than when I was an emergency medicine tech, certainly, but it is not without its woes and complications. Situations in which the remedy is so involved and convoluted it becomes an exhausting chore to simply sort out the details.Where has the energy I once had to cope with these situations gone? It's like adrenal exhaustion, only emotional.
But tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow may bring inspiration and randomly amazing recoveries. I want to feel that sense of hope I had when I was religious...over a decade ago. If it wasn't such a facade, a hopeless coping mechanism, I might just entertain the notion of christianity once more. But I'm grown now, and Santa is dead.
and let me lay my head on your shoulder.
I don't care who you are, who you vote for, or what your life's ambition is...
all I want, is a cozy place, to lay my head, as I drift away
Come over, and don't lie to me or act as if there's a cosmic connection
Lay with me and tell me, everythings ok
as long as I lay, with my head on your shoulder
Come over, and rescue me from this infinite lonliness
that causes me to act without fear of consequence
and has me crying myself to sleep
All I wanted, I could've had
yet threw it away, in untimely confidence
A facade of strength, and all I want
is to feel your heart in my ear
and you, will never exist or see, the misery behind these actions
8/22/2006 4:21 pm
Wow! Hmmmmm. What to say after reading that. I can't say that I know exactly how you feel about life and it's twists and turns that this mad, mad worlds makes. But, I have been dealing with quite a bit of heartache in my life the past few years. So, like you...at times I wish I could be a robot and not have to feel the pain and hurt. I wish that I could be like most people who just say "f_ck it" and move on like nothing happened. But that's not me. I am an emotional and sensitive person....I love with every ounce within me.|
So, when my father passed a few years ago...I was obviously devistated, but to top it off, then my wife at the time tells me that she wants a divorce, and shortly after...my best friend since middle school becomes a total ass and we had a fallen out. Anyway, since then I have been trying to get my life back together and find reasons for loving again and trusting again.
Ya know...I have no idea where I am going with this! You just got me thinking. And you know what the crazy thing is...I rarely read these blogs, and this is the first time that I have ever posted one, or I should say a comment to one. But, after reading your profile (in it's entirety) I started reading your blogs for some odd reason. And I'm glad that I did...I see myself in you in a lot of ways.
A couple last thoughts: I would much rather see a person in pain than an animal...I'm an animal lover and it just kills me inside to see an animal hurt and in pain.
And that is a very, very nice poem. Definitely makes one think!
I wish you the best! And I do hope you can find someone to confide in, to feel safe and comfortable with, to learn to trust, and most importantly...to love!
8/23/2006 8:29 pm
what's up, J?|
I never log on here any more so it's an unexpected surprise to see you here still following your muse, casting pearls before horndogs (present company excepted, of course).
it's clear you have an old soul, and what's worse, one of a poet and a daredevil, a strange, sad, dangerous, glorious phenomenon. it amazes me that you have the faith to write your pain here of all places... is that not a towering testimonial to the hope that lives inside you, luminous?
p.s. I owe you one (1) industrial-strength Soul Calibur ass-whooping.
9/9/2006 2:21 pm
All this depth... I think you just need some good shallow playtime with my personal spokesman to make it all wash away for a solid 2 to 3 minutes.|
9/18/2006 6:17 pm
You can not feel hurt and loss if you didn't have something to lose. Happiness, love, friendship. These are the things worth living for and enjoying. Yes you lose them and yes it hurts, but the fact remains that you did have them for a time. Presumably a happy time that enriched your life.|
These times, however short, are so much greater in feeling then the pain when they are gone that it makes it such an emotionally economical deal that can't be passed up. When in the dark times, cherish the good times you have had and think forward to the new moments when your life will be filled with happiness again. Every good comes with bad and every bad comes with good.
Take care beautiful...