First thoughts...  

rm_Tune_Maker 57M
0 posts
10/24/2005 12:54 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

First thoughts...


After years of never really knowing what my "soulmate" was thinking, the fear of what she might say was at long last overshadowed by the frustration of what she was't. So, after an evening of wine and soft music, I breached the chasm.

My heart was steeled to hear that she no longer found me attractive...after all, I was no longer the dashing musician and playboy she first met. Or that I was such a lackluster lover that she had lost all interest. Or that she had taken up with an old lover.

What was revealed that night continues to confuse me. She considered me to still be handsome. She claimed that of all the lovers she ever had, I was one of the few that put her needs ahead of my own.

And she was very convincing when she said there was no one else.

Relief settled in. Then, it slowly, fleetingly dissolved into more frustration, as I began to realize there were no normal reasons for this vacuum of intimacy and lack of sexual interest.

You see, though we had shared more than a decade and two wonderful children together, she had been keeping a secret from me. She told me there was just no interest in sex on her part.

This broke my heart and spirit. Of the areas of our relationship that really had started out so incredibly solid, the intimacy and phyical interactions were what really set this relationship apart from all others.

After the children, there was what I considered the espected period of celebacy and adjustment, but with the youngest, that period just never really ended.

After patiently waiting for over a year after the first, and never recovering from the second, I reached the point where something must be resolved. So we talked.

She tried to be kind. Perhaps even tender. But firm.

She had what she had always wanted and was very content with the way things were. In fact, she had no need for counseling or professional help, and that this was just the way it was going to be. She was truly sorry that I would be affected by her decisions

I had to struggle with that revelation. But after many months of letting the reality and the finality of it set in, I knew that it was time to reconsider my true options.

As amicably as possible, we agreed to keep the welfare and well-being of the children at the forefront. We also agreed that it was time to make some changes.

Fast-forward to the present. Life has at times been depressing, interesting, sad, even fun. But I still wonder what would cause someone to close off a part of herself that should be so much a part of what makes life enjoyable and satisfying. No answers to that one.

But I have met others who are or have been subjected to the same sense of abandonment by those they loved...genuinely loved. Sort of a intimate support group of people who love but feel unloved.

Makes a person wonder why...

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