Get to know me a bit...its a roots thing (final edition)  

rm_Speakeasy069 57M
7 posts
7/31/2006 11:43 pm

Last Read:
8/2/2006 3:59 am

Get to know me a bit...its a roots thing (final edition)


STILL HOT but tolerable at 1am...I love the early am...quiet, solitude, reflection(basically thats what this has been).So, my wife was 30 seconds from being put on life support(lucky she didn't have a DNR order on the books). Kidney failure, congestive heart failure, complications the list went on...But she pulled through.on the second night of her hospital stay, i have no idea why, but i came home and sitting by the computer i do a goggle search...it was either sex, or affairs..and guess what came up? You know it...this site. It was the first time i had ever seen anything like it. I did not realize that this genre even existed. So what the hell did I do as my wife lay in her hospital bed? Why I filled out a profile, isn't that what any normal 46 year old guy would do? Married 24 years, and I'm sitting looking at a adult personal site. Well...reverting to my belief system i have to say...all things happen for a reason...who am I to understand why? So not long after that, i get a wink...I'm a standard member so i pay for one month, just to answer...Come to find out, this person is a trained medical professional(pretty much specializing in what I was having to deal with). So basically, it ended up really helping me from an emotional standpoint, and we spoke thru IM and email for weeks...It was very intense...not only was I interested in this woman for her advice and the helping hand she offered, but she was speaking to me on a sexual level also. I had seemed to be down this road before...it was like laying bricks again. However, this time, I was having that "unhappy, trapped in the box" , remorse guilt feeling thing happening , because of my wife. This was the crossroads I had come to...I was unhappy, It hit me just how short life can be, and i wasn't feeling good about the entire situation...The problem was...I CANT STAND REGRET, and I don't like mellow drama. I actually had a thought about doing something really damaging, which was also new to me...and it was very real...Well? so what was the solution?Well, what i chose was this. My wife and I have always if nothing else had a totally honest marriage...I love her, support her, challenge her, to do everything in her power to fight and get better...but i couldn't do it for her...She had gained over 50lbs of water from the kidneys shutting down, and it was coming off slowly, the extra weight had magnified her pain in the back and neck, and it was horrific. When she finally came home, i really didn't know how to approach this, so I just threw it out there...I told her how I was feeling...and what i had done while she was in the hospital...What she said to me floored me... She told me that if she died tomorrow, I had given her the best life she could of asked for, and she wanted me to be happy. OMG, this was thinking outside the box...but what she had done was just redefine the box. She told me, be discreet, explore my needs, go lay some bricks(basically)because there was no way she would be able to endure anything sexual in nature for a long long time. It was just to much pain, and she still felt very very ill. SO my one day per week, my time, was kind of introduced to our life...I finally met my new found friend, and honestly it was very very erotic...a few weeks passed, my wife began to regain strength, and i basically was there for her 24/7...We had lost most of the water, but the pain was still almost unbearable.I was keeping in touch with my friend meeting twice more...I was actually discussing the entire situation with both my friend and wife. Seemed kinda odd, but actually for the first time in years, my wife and I had reached a level of love that i had forgot existed..I realized the true meaning of unconditional love. I no longer had any regret, had open and honest communication with all involved...Then came the day ill regret for the rest of my life...Near the 4th of July, my friend (dropped off the face of the planet). I feared something had happened, some accident, or something...No communications, no email responses, i left some voice mail messages, nothing....Two weeks later, after really wondering if there was something "Wrong" i noticed that there was a notice on some friends site that my emails were being blocked...I figured my friend for some reason had decided to call it quits...(which would of been Ok, situations change, attitudes change..mine had...I understood) but I figured it could of been done in a better fashion, there could of been some explanation, and maybe a goodbye...I cant express how hurt I felt...I left one last voice mail, saying if a person wanted to not be found, then they were "dead to me"... What the hell was I thinking, pulling a D mob movie line outta my ass. Well come to find out, my friend had a family emergency out of town...came home and listened to that...I cant even begin to imagine the hurt she felt, because i hadn't given her the benefit of the doubt, or had faith in the friendship we had developed.(hear that flushing sound) hear that big cracking noise? it was all the bricks that had been laid crumbling. I explained i didn't know,(which I realize now...was way over the top...) I not only tremendously hurt a person that had reached out and helped me...actually change my life...but i aimed to hurt and shot to kill...I said I don't like regret, or mellow drama...but basically i had both, due to my own dark, selfishness, and hurt...and if I had just had a bit of faith in human nature, it all would of worked out eventually. So thats where I'm at now...my wife is still recovering, our relationship is the best its ever been...we enjoyed some intimate time for the first time in months the other night, and she is still recovering...SO exactly what have I learned from all this, you might ask? 1)I learned don't be to quick to judge 2)I have actually the most understanding woman i could ever have asked for 3)Regret is bad, you cant change the past, but you can learn life lessons from it. Look forward to the future...Ive come to the realization I'm a good bricklayer...its just my nature...Where I went wrong was with the judgemental issues...Everyones situations are different, I look at whats happened in my 47 years here, and if you had asked me when I was 17 in that small town , if this is where I would be at when I was nearly 50...I would of believed no way...But thats where I'm at, where Ive been, what ive done. SO what am I still doing on this site? Not a clue...setting a compass of a ship that has recently set sail? Not sure where the destination is, but I know it will be with my wife aboard, and the ships cargo is a ton of bricks....I just might want to find some people to help me start building some foundations with em...Brick by Brick...Not a lot of people would understand this, I don't exactly, but I feel its the right thing for me...and maybe some others feel this same way....Any comments or view are appreciated...Trying to stike a balance between where Ive come from, and where I'm going...Its all about who you touch...I have a lot to share, and still a lot to learn...so stop on by and lets mix up some mortar.

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