|Blogs > rm_SlaveDragon5 > The Dragon's Lair|
The Choices We Make
The Choices We Make
Well, noone ever said that SlaveDragon was perfect. If you've been lucky enough to read my last post, you see it is clear that from time to time I can throw a self-pity party. Sad, yet true. Hey, even a Dragon can be sad sometimes.
Now is a time I feel like talking. I'll do it here, because to do it in person makes me uncomfortable.
For those of you who I've been lucky enough to meet, you know that I was previously married. What you don't know is that the woman I was married to was the love of my life. She was someone I met at a young age, put my faith in, and sacrificed for on a daily basis. I gave her everything that was me. I touched her, I held her, and I loved her. In the end, I woke one morning and I realized that it just wasn't enough. After 12 years together, 2 beautiful children, and a life started together, I wasn't what she needed. I would not be the guy to wake up when his last kid moved out and moved on only to look at his partner and have her say "Huh, guess I don't need YOU anymore, mister." I asked her quietly to leave and prayed quietly that she wouldn't. She left. Three weeks later she had shacked up with another man. Three months later, she was "in love" and talks of moving in, moving on, and marriage were being thrown at me. I took all of it. Every last ounce she could throw. I'm still here.
Now, things are getting crazy. Since she has been gone, I have played hell trying to undo the damage that she routinely inflicts upon my children. She has left them overnight in an apartment by themselves (3 and 5 at the time) to party with her boyfriend while I was out of town. She has committed to picking them up on certain nights, only to be a no-show. And my personal favorite: She is now telling them to "keep secrets" from their daddy so he won't get mad at mommy.
Who can I blame? I married her. I loved her. I let the model and professional dancer aspect of her slay the dragon. I should've looked deeper inside. I didn't. Today, I am paying a heavy price for it.
Now she wants more, and she's using my kids to try and get it. She wants more money, she wants more freedom, and she wants more sacrifice. All that she wants, she wants from me.
Several of you notice I've been a little down lately. Well, this is why. I keep thinking to myself, how in the world did I let my life get this screwed? I am by no means a foolish man. I rode through college on an academic/athletic scholarship (yes, I was a hell of a ballplayer). I went to work in a factory not because I could not seek gainful employment elsewhere, but because the money was right for what I wanted to build for her. I have many good choices in my life, save one. And now, I can't even curse that, because without her, I would not have my two "lil dragons." I'm angry, I'm hurt, and for the first time, I'm questioning myself.
Through a loophole (and don't I just HATE that word), my ex has now decided that she would like to go to war with me in a court of law. She wants to make me suffer a little bit more than she already has. She is coming for my money. She is coming for my motorcycle. She is coming for MY KIDS.
She will see what kind of person I truly can be. She will see what anger, what hatred, what true fiery passion is all about. She will see why I chose the Dragon symbol as one to signify the type of person that I am. She has learned nothing of her time with me. But she will. I will bring every resource, every ounce of energy, and every passionate bone in my body to bear on her, and when the smoke clears, she will understand who I truly am.
Now, with all that being poured out there, we come to you. Those who know me, and those who have made my life a little better. To you I say: I will not let this woman change me. Last night, she got over the top. That will happen no more.
I will not delete that post because I believe in standing behind what I say. I am straightforward to a fault, and I am determined to substantiate every word that I type. Every thought that I have. Every action that I take. I maintain that which I said. I am comfortable going home alone. I cannot, nor will not, get myself into a relationship at this time. I say this because I believe in honesty.
From you I ask only one thing: your friendship. Let me be me. Let me be near you, let me be endeared to you. I love the people I have met here. I would trade NONE of you. Not one. I have shared laughs, life, and touches with many. You are exactly what I need. Just don't complicate it. If I choose to enter into a relationship somewhere down the road, you all will be the first ones to know. I will, and do, cherish you all. My heart is bigger than you know, and every unreturned phone call is to protect myself, not to offend you. I am not snobbish nor mysterious, I am just me.
I heard an Angel once talk about spreading her wings. I like that analogy. Watch as a Dragon spreads his. Slave, no more.
To you, I say: Let's have fun, and let's continue to grow together.
To her (my ex), I say: Get ready to meet the man you married.
I will stress NO more. I look forward to the next time I'm lucky enough to hang out with and meet any and all of you.
7/4/2006 10:59 am
Dragon buddy no longer will I call you slave!!! You spread the Dragon wings and fly on the Dragon sled and keep that harlot from getting to it. If needed I have a cave where she can not get her evil clutches on the Dragons roar!!! We'll talk about that at a later time.|
I can honestly say that I know where you are coming from. I married my queen cause I swallowed her BS hook line and sinker. I sacrificed all my old haunts and friends cause she wanted my full attention. I gave it to her for the better of the family. I made the mistake of putting her above everything else in my life(kids included). I gave her the all the power cause that is what she wanted. She beat me down to be her subordinate and I let her. I was in a war for god sake and I could not stand up to her!!!
Well 2 weeks before our 11th anniversary she tells me that she is not in love with me anymore and just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Of course the first words out of my mouth was "Is there someone else?" And of course her answer was the empathetical NO! Well that wasn't good enough for me. How can someone just fall out of love? I guess it happens, it's not like she would be ruining our children's lives just because right? So I started snooping(being a telecommunications tech. don't think you can talk on the phone with out me hearing) the cunning in me came out. I became what I despise the most, a desperate, jealous, out of control idiot!!
I finally found the truth and had the proof!!! When confronted with it she still denied it till I provided her with the proof. She had been having an affair with a married man from her work for the last 8 months of our marriage right under my nose(even introduced me to him at one of her work parties) and I was blind to it!!! It almost took my life, I gave up I was a broken shell. She blamed the whole affair on me. WTF!!!! So the deeper I dug I found at least 3 other affairs that she had over the last 6 years of our marriage. I guess if love is blind, then I must be deaf, dumb, and blind!!!
This is a woman who told me over all of our years together that cheating was the lowest thing someone could do to another person. Hell she used to be in love with Brad Pitt till he had his thing with that goddess Angelina Jolie . But after that she couldn't stand him. And her dad had an affair on her step-mom and she would only talk to her step-mom not her dad after that. What a HYPOCRITE!!!
Sorry to get off track but yes it dredges up bad memories and I just want to let you know that I know where you are coming from. That is why I am the way I am. I will not allow to be roped or cowed again. And if that makes me an asshole I am sorry but just remember a women did this. I hope that I will one day be able to trust again but for now I just love to hang with my peeps and do the friends thing. I am always honest about what I am all about cause I don't know how to lie. I am by no means out to hurt anyone.
I love having a lot of friends and the St. Louis Fun group has become my extended family.
I am right there with you in shouting "NO MORE DRAMA!!!!" Lets all just have fun and keep it light. If something extracurricular happens then lets except it for what it is. A night of hot sweaty passion!!
Dragon keep up the good fight and slay the Slave. Dude don't let her beat you down I am here and all your friends are there to stand behind you and hold you up.
7/4/2006 1:41 pm
I have never posted to anyones blog before but after reading Slaves and reading Cunning's repsonse the tears running down my face I believe I shall respond today. I am sure most divorced people have a story to tell...most being similar. Married to the Love of My Life for 13 years i thought things were going good. Everyone has their issues and we were no different but never thought we were headed for divorce. I eventually found out he had been having an affair with my BEST FRIEND. Not only did I lose my husband but I lost my best friend all in one day. Then to find out he had been sleeping with every women who crossed his path for the last two years of our marriage. Without the help of 4 of what I now know are my true best friends I would not have made it to where I am today. I too was ready to check out. My friends finally told me I needed to stop the pitty party, the crying, and the drama and realize I had 3 children who lost a father and needed there mother. I have dedicated the last 6 years of my life to my kids. I know that I am not the best person in the world but by god I am The Best Damn Mom anyone can be. I try to have relationships but I seem to keep screwing them up. I guess it's just not time for me. My point here is that we have all been through some form of hell. I for one know you can get through this. Just give yourself some time and most important take care of your kids. They too are suffering. I am here if you need anything at all! Luv, Katt|
7/4/2006 4:32 pm
OMG, Your making me have flashbacks....been there done that. I ain't describing or telling my story...it is buried deep in the oceans of broken relationships and I am confident that nothing resurfaces ever like it again. I could write chapters on fortunes lost, the looks on my kids faces and more. I will say this much. My daughter stood between me and the devil on numerous ocassions. It was something about those blue eyes and blonde hair like her Daddy.|
Bottom line---I made it, my kids made it. I didn't have friends to help me through it.....SD does have many very good and close friends.
It is easy to get caught up and let your imagination run wild. Your own mind is your worst enemy---remember that. It may seem really horrific, but it aint, you will survive, the kids will survive, your checkbook won't. Especially if you are preparing for war. Wars are expensive to say the least. You are pissed off, angry and ready to break out the flame-throwers. Do it if you must, but it may not be necessary. The guardians of the court love wars and drama, they make money.
I have said it before, I have walked through hell and I am back with a vengeance, on a mission.
It's ironic that we are drawed to you guys, that have issues with previous women. I got three best friends, counting SD that have this drama branded on their souls...whats up with that guys?
I seen the flames flickering in SD's eyes, especially saturday night, that far off stare.......
My X told me to get a girlfriend....I did and married her. You guys have met her, felt her touch, and just had to kiss her. Maybe there is a reason this couple crossed paths with you guys. To show you the way, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
You will arise out of the ashes a better man, a REAL man! Just ask my better half.....she knows!! There are many fishes in the sea....good women are waiting for cowboys to take them away!!
ps...she says no wonder we are drawn to you crazy fuckers and its amazing!!
7/4/2006 5:10 pm
Dragon.....I cant say i understand how you feel ,because i have only been married to DOIN,and we are going on 19 yrs,and been together since we where 15.So we have been together a LONG time,and at times it has ben TOUGH!!! but alot of GOOD times as well...|
The only thing I can help you with is a listening ear and A soft shoulder to cry on when ever you need one.and that does come with a cold beer.
Friends are the best things to have when one is haveing problems.we will always be their for you,no matter what.Just to hang out with,really doesn't mater what,just tell us what you want to do and we will be their,if its just for a QUIET night out of the house or a roughty night out at a club listening to a band having a few drinks and a little dancing...I guess what iam trying to say is dont be afraid to ask,we are all your friends,and friends stick together through thick and thin and good and BAD....thats TRUE FRIENDS !!!
You have my phone number when ever you need to talk........or what some one to take a ride with on your bike....we are just a call away !!
7/4/2006 8:36 pm
I've never been married, thus never been divorced, but know some of the feelings you're having. I have been through this with my fiance though and his ex...dealing with her using the kids against him, their history against him, and even his military service against him. It left him partially broken and feeling like he could never love again. But he did...it took awhile and the second marriage backfired too...but he picked up his life again. That's when i found him, when i was at my lowest too. Together we built a life. I'm not saying that's what you need to do, just that your friends will help build you back up and one day i'm sure you'll find another woman who lights your fire all the time.|
Love heals a lot of wounds, except for the ones that love helped create. The love of your children and their adoration of you will help you get through this all. Also the truth that they can offer up that isn't colored by either parent too.
Continue to grow as the single father to your kids. Continue to grow as a man on your own...and continue to grow as the dragon in this group of friends who will support you and take care of you....
7/4/2006 10:19 pm
NO one wants to lay it all out there but sometimes someone had been thru what your going thru, maybe not exactly but damn near....I have....and it sucks and you get up, brush your teeth, get dressed and wonder what will happen today.....|
Hard work patients...willingness to give.....only on a Dragon is there one weak scale....only this one way to your heart...Thur this can someone take the life from you....never let that happen.....
I can say from experience...you will do what you need to do for them.....being in that similar place can just befuddle you...how could i have loved this person....what did i miss...how did this escape me???? why did i not see it? we never do...we are all walking in a revolving door only see the one in front and when we slow down the one in the back seems to kick our asses.
I wonder on a daily basis what I did to deserve this....how come me but its not just me its all the same....some have forgotten what it means to love for the good and the bad.....ups and downs hard times and to treasure the best and let go of the worst....
Kids are not asked for this, parents are to love and be there for them...
You have plenty of people here for you....
7/5/2006 5:16 am
I had found out, that not only did my ex cheat on me, but he did it 13 times in a matter of 5.5 of the 7 years we were together. He started 6 months into our relationship, and lied to me everytime I asked about that thing, will not even honor her by calling her a girl. Then 7 years later, decided to be "nice" and tell me all about all the affairs. Said to me, "I thought I would come clean, you'd cry, I would cry, we would hold each other and cry together, and then get through it and work it out." Welp, that's what he got for thinking. I was stuck at home with no car, and both our boys. He was off going to nursing school, or working, and then fucking around, sometimes, even on the clock when he was a trash man. I tried to love him and trust him for 2 months after he told me all of this, but it just could not work. This DICK I know, opened my eyes to the fact that I had been hurt, and disrespected, and that I did not have to feel obligated to give my ex respect and love and trust that he no longer deserved. I may be younger then a lot of you all are, and you may think I have not suffered some of what you all have had to suffer. But let me tell you all something, talk to me about the trials and tribulations I have suffered since I was 14 years old. Then you will come to realize, why I seem older and more mature then most 27 year olds do. |
Dragon, Dick and I are both here if you need us, we may be 4 and 8 hours away, but say the word darlin, and we are only an email or a phone call away. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but nothing can change the way you are feeling right now, except to fight like hell and come out the champion, which I have no doubt that you will!!!
7/5/2006 2:45 pm
well dragon, i'm glad i stopped here and finally read your blog - it makes me feel like i know you a little better. all i can say is, hang in there buddy - you're on the right path putting your children first. Take your time to heal and don't do anything you are not ready for. If it's meant to be, it will be. I will say an extra prayer for you tonight to keep you safe and sane and to let you know love again when you are ready. You have to know we all wish the best for you. John and I feel very lucky to have known you as a friend and are looking forward to spending many more enjoyable times with this group. I won't go into the heartaches of my past, only to say don't give up on love - it was her loss and in time she will realize that. Love those kids with all your being, you are showing them the true lessons of life and that some love is never ending or conditional. Please feel free to contact either of us if there's any way we can help. sin-d & john |
p.s. keep a log of any and all behaviors, words, actions on her part that are detrimental to the children, ie the date and time, details, comments from kids, etc. - your atty. will need to know this information. especially any details as to her leaving your children alone - get it documented or witnessed by other people if you can (witnesses that will testify to the same)or sign affidavits - you can't just accuse, you have to back it up with proof. maybe you can prove she is an unfit mother which can only help you in your custody battle.
7/6/2006 11:25 am
i was going to sit here and give you some history.. but i don't want to go into a long drawn out story... both mr louie and i have been where alot of you have been...|
what i do want to say.. is that what you are going through dragon is so hard... a nightmare really.. because as my old italian grandma used to say... i'm translating from italian...
"when you touch me, it means nothing... when you touch my kids.. you touch my heart"
it is so hard to leave the safety and security of your children to anyone.. we all deal with day care.. babysitters..
but there is nothing worse than seeing that trust broken by a parent..
i know how hard it is.. i've seen it first hand...
i had to stand quietly in the backround when the mother of my granddaugher used my grandbaby as a means to "get to" my son... a man who fought for over a year for visitation... all the while faithfully paying his child support... i watched the disappointment in his face when again she promised to bring the baby over.. only to be a no-show...i got him the card on father's day.. his first... and my heart broke as he waited for her to show up...only to hear another excuse... at one point she decided that the child support he was paying was not enough.. the judge ruled in her favor.. and my question to him was... it's so simple to for you to give her what money you think she is owed... but how do you give a father all the time he's missed... he had no answer for me...
dragon... you are doing the right thing.. you are putting your children first and they will be drawn to your strength and your stability... you just have to keep reinforcing all the good... and even though they are little.. keep talking to them and telling them how much you love them...i know they know that...
as i've been reading the blog and all of the responses...i realize that this is such an amazing chain of experiences.. yes chain.. because every story is linked together... we've all been through similar situations in our lives.. and i think at certain times our history is what draws us together..and creates that connection that forges lasting friendships... i am a firm believer in karma and that people are in our lives for a reason...i have to say to each and every one of you on this "chain" above.. i'm so happy to know everyone of you...some better than others... some i can't wait to get to know better...
you have all welcomed mr louie and i and we are so happy to have met such an amazing group of friends..
Dragon... you and your kids are in my thoughts...
7/27/2006 7:52 pm
slave - Like most others here I too say that you have a shoulder to lean on in me also. I too have been down the divorce road. More times than I would like to think about actually, but each time was a learning experience. (well somewhat anyway). I too was hit with the bitter X that wanted to take everything that she possibly could to try and hurt me and despite all that she tried I have clawed my way back. It took time and things still are not the way that I would like for them to be and relationships are tough for me still but just know that there is a light at the end and no matter what she tries to do to you ultimately it will only hurt her because what she is doing is wrong. Not only wrong to you, but also for your children because it's taking away from them also!!! Keep your head up Dragon and know the wizurd is on your side and has your back......|
7/28/2006 10:13 pm
Wiz-- well put and thank you. Words of wisdom from a guy who always makes me smile. You're a cool customer, and I'd party with you anytime....|