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What Women Want - Part 1
What Women Want - Part 1
Most people are familiar with the old Freudian question, "What do women want?" (Or some such variation thereof.) Well, after forty some
odd years, I am happy to say that I finally know the answer. It's really quite simple.
Women just want you to listen to them whine (or bitch, or piss and moan) and say things like...
"Poor baby. I understand." Never mind whether you do or don't understand because you and your understanding are not important, or
"That's so unfair!" Never mind whether it is or isn't unfair because that's not the point, or
"Really? I can't believe she (he, they, it) would do that." It doesn't matter whether you do or don't believe it. And never ever even hint at suggesting that, maybe, just maybe, she got what she deserved. Because that doesn't matter either.
Not only does the woman want you to listen sympathetically this time, but they want you to do so every single time they bring up the subject. The fact that the incident occurred twelve years ago is irrelevant. As is the fact that she has whined about said incident
every week for the aforementioned twelve years. Also irrelevant is the fact that she has whined about the incident to all her friends (or anyone else within earshot who happens to have the misfortune of making eye contact) every week for those same twelve years.
Men beware! Your problem solving abilities are not welcome nor are they needed because a problem is not something to be solved. A problem is something to be talked about incessantly and be made to feel better about.
Now you might be wondering how I finally came to these conclusions. Well it's been a long hard struggle entailing hours upon hours of listening, attempted problem solving and being berated for being so insensitive as to try and fix something that was broken. So if you have the time, sit back and listen to my story...
For years I labored under false assumptions. I assumed that any person with half a brain, male or female, would behave in a reasonably logical manner. Now to me, behaving in a logical manner means that if you have a problem you either take steps to solve the problem, mitigate the grief caused by the problem, or you accept the problem and its grief and go on with your life as best you can.
I'll preface this next part by freely admitting that I can sometimes be a bit slow on the uptake. No, really. I'm quite daft at times. And I have a sneaking suspicion that because I am a bit slow, I'm daffy more than I realize. But I digress...
When I have a headache I take some Advil. I think that most people do. Or aspirin or Tylenol or Motrin or whatever. Furthermore, I
take the Advil when I feel the pain starting to come on. My theory is that it's better to nip it in the bud than wait until it's a full-
blown headache. My wife, on the other hand, waits until we get in the car and are several miles from the house before she even thinks about taking a pain reliever. Our conversation
usually goes like this.
Wife: "My head really hurts."
Silly me: "Is it just coming on?" (Because, of course, my first thought is to nip it in the bud by taking a painkiller.)
Wife: "No. It started at home."
Dumb me: "Really? Why didn't you take some Motrin before we left?"
Irritated wife: "I didn't think about it."
Dumber me: "How could you not think about a
Angry wife: "I JUST DIDN'T!"
After twenty years of marriage and eighty or ninety such conversations I finally realized that women are probably the most illogical creatures alive. Furthermore, they would rather suffer and be told, "Poor baby. I feel so bad for you." than actually do something, or worse yet, have you do something to alleviate their
But I have finally learned how to deal with this one. I keep a little bottle of Advil in my car. Now when she tells me she has a headache I say, "Poor baby. Here let me massage your neck with my free hand. I have some Advil you can take when we get to the restaurant (movie, dad's house, etc.)"
Unfortunately, all such problems don't come with a nice little solution. Sometimes you just have to sit and take it unless you want the focus of the problem to shift from the real problem to you. Which is something I have done on numerous occasions and not always intentionally. Of course, there have been times when I intentionally tried to "solve" the problem because the resulting fight was less boring than listening to my wife drone on about the same damn thing she was whining about last week.
Our latest (and I use that term loosely) issue has to do with our daughter's softball team. For the last few years a local girls
softball organization has had two teams in my daughter's age group ‒ an A team and a B team. My daughter is clearly skilled enough to play on the A team and everyone knows it. But my daughter's first love is soccer and her high school has the girls playing soccer and softball in the spring so she can't play both sports in high school. When given a choice, my daughter chose soccer.
We were told that the softball club's A team would be a "tournament only" team meaning the only games they were going to play would
require a 3-6 hour drive and hotel stays for Friday and Saturday night almost every weekend during the summer. Well there was no way we were going to sacrifice every weekend all summer just for a sport my daughter won't play in high school. Not to mention the fact that we just spent $50,000 on a new in-ground pool and would like to actually swim in it. So when they offered us the A team, we told the club we wanted our daughter on the B team and everything was fine, just fine. Or so I thought...
The next year my daughter was offered a spot on the B team, which is where we wanted her to play. But my wife was outraged that they didn't offer us the A team so we could turn it down. She of course complained to everyone who would listen about how our daughter had been slighted by not being offered the A team.
Never mind the fact that we would have turned the A team down and my wife had let everyone know it.
Never mind the fact that our daughter is playing exactly where we want her to play.
Never mind the fact that we are now going on our third year. I still get to hear about it every other week. At least. Our conversations usually go something like this:
Wife: "I can't believe they didn't offer our daughter the A team."
Me: "So what. We want her on the B team anyway so what's the problem?"
Wife: "They need to acknowledge that she's good enough for the A team."
Me: "But why? She knows that she's that good. I know it and you know it. So who cares?"
Wife: "But everyone else needs to know it too!"
Me: "Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds? You're getting what you want for our daughter so stop making up reasons to be unhappy."
And we're off to the fights. Of course, if I don't feel like fighting I just pull out my stock of Poor Baby's and That Sucks and
everything is fine.
5/16/2006 11:58 am
LOL, thanks Dr. Phil|