I don't belong here  

rm_Ptalk1155 34M
3428 posts
8/10/2006 10:01 pm

Last Read:
8/11/2006 2:15 pm

I don't belong here


The older I get, the more I feel like I don't belong in this world. It's like I got dropped off in the wrong time period or on the wrong planet. Not once in my life can I ever remember feeling like "this is my home, this is the place I belong." And that's not because I had shitty parents, no friends, or a difficult life. I've just always felt that something was wrong. There have been times, sure, when my general happiness has obscured that feeling, but it always lurks there beneath the surface.

I look around and I see the world and I can't understand it at all. Simple things that people seem to enjoy, drinking, drugs, fashion trends, even sex in some respects, have as much appeal to me as playing with a baby's rattle. And the very need or desire of people to engage in such activities is incomprehensible to me. And not like in a "huh?" kind of way. But instead with the same gut-wrenching, mind-hurting feeling I get when I try to figure out infinity or eternity. Watching someone get drunk/stoned makes me feel as though I'm being betrayed or insulted by that person. Going to a club and listening to hard bass music and watching people grind up against each other in what is no more than dry-humping standing up gives me a migraine. Looking up to, caring about, and trying to imitate athletes, celebrities, and politicians makes me gag. Believing in the words in a book written thousands of years ago so much that one is willing to kill or die for them makes me feel slapping the shit out of people. And that's just to name a few.

My standards of behavior, quality, humor, etc. are all far higher than anyone I have met to date. I'm not easily amused or placated, and I have a fantastic bullshit detector. Rare is it that I follow, and the harder someone pushes me to do something, the less inclined I am to do it. My value system is some kind of funky hybrid between an 18th century British gentleman, a modern-day Christian, and a Buddhist samurai.

And while others hate being alone, I revel in it. A lack of human presence around me is comforting. Being alone, to me, is a thousand times better than being with others. I can sit and talk to myself for five minutes and get more out of it than an hour long conversation with someone else.

Older folks call me an "old soul" because I see the world so much differently than everyone around me, and so very little like those of my age. That may be, particularly given how frequently I feel like I've done this all before.

But either way, I know there is something fundamentally wrong with my existence in this time and place, and I wonder if I'll ever find out what, exactly, that is.

rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
8/10/2006 10:41 pm

Wow, I didnt know we had so much in common. Good luck, at 34 I still dont get it.


amoldenough 70F
16436 posts
8/10/2006 10:42 pm

Hon, maybe you should seek out a therepist or a minister or just someone you trust. I'm not saying this in a mean way, but you sound troubled. Those kinds of feelings can be signs of some kind of mental problem, which is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope you take this in the spirit it is given. Reading what you wrote concerns me. I don't believe in re-incarnation, but that might also be an answer for you. Good luck to you, and keep blogging. Blogging helps, by the way.

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."


hotandhorny107 58F

8/10/2006 10:49 pm

As trite as it may sound, you are simply young and have yet to find your niche in life. More of a thinker than a doer, and if you believe in such things, may have been here before in another life. So take your time, find your place in this life and move forward....


rm_Ptalk1155 34M
3450 posts
8/11/2006 2:03 pm

    Quoting rm_saintlianna:
    Wow, I didnt know we had so much in common. Good luck, at 34 I still dont get it.
Well, since it sounds like you're ahead of me, let me know if you figure it out


rm_Ptalk1155 34M
3450 posts
8/11/2006 2:09 pm

    Quoting amoldenough:
    Hon, maybe you should seek out a therepist or a minister or just someone you trust. I'm not saying this in a mean way, but you sound troubled. Those kinds of feelings can be signs of some kind of mental problem, which is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope you take this in the spirit it is given. Reading what you wrote concerns me. I don't believe in re-incarnation, but that might also be an answer for you. Good luck to you, and keep blogging. Blogging helps, by the way.
I take no offense, and I understand your position. I'm quite certain I have SOME kind of mental problem, considering we all do in one way or another. I also get that my post can sound an awful like somebody who's looking to clock out of life and thus give rise to concerns of my mental stability, but really, I'm just looking for answers that I'm not yet capable of finding.

And yes, blogging does help


rm_Ptalk1155 34M
3450 posts
8/11/2006 2:10 pm

    Quoting hotandhorny107:
    As trite as it may sound, you are simply young and have yet to find your niche in life. More of a thinker than a doer, and if you believe in such things, may have been here before in another life. So take your time, find your place in this life and move forward....
I take it one day at a time, but I am getting impatient.


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