Why are we here?  

rm_Persephone36 48F
46 posts
2/24/2006 8:07 pm

Last Read:
3/24/2007 3:24 pm

Why are we here?

I have never been tempted to "blog" (assuming it is a verb) before. Why would I want to share my innermost thoughts with an anonymous audience?

But, then it occurred to me that I too am anonymous (to most of you, lol) which may allow me to be more honest, and perhaps allow those who respond more frankness as well.

So, why are we here?

I have talked to more attached men on this site than I probably should admit. (Research for a book, it's all research!) Most of them are not getting enough sex, or an interesting enough variety of sex, at home. I have talked to no women on this site at all (they don't wink at me much), however, assuming I am representative of the other attached women, they are also here because they are not getting enough sex at home.

What is with this?

Why are so many people in marriages with others who do not have the same taste in sex as they? Did they start out agreeing and later change? In my case, I had no idea what I liked when we began. He was almost my first boyfriend. I loved it all! And then we had kids and I loved nothing.

When I nursed my babies (5 solid years, no breaks) I was a stone in bed. I did not respond. He was not allowed to touch the breasts. There was nothing for him. I was loved-out. Lots of men tell me they have experienced the other side of this. The women CANNOT help it, fellows. It is an instinctual freeze-- must have something to do with protecting the current babies by avoiding any new ones. But it makes men give up. Then they start looking around.

My experience now is the opposite of that. He is frozen, I am not. For different reasons, he cannot help it. But whereas when I was frozen I did all I could to overcome it (therapy, herbs, relaxation, etc.) I feel he is not doing that.

Are we justified in looking around?

Are we being selfish, risking our marriages and family lives to explore sides of ourselves that we can't explore adequately within the marriage?

Or would it be wrong to deny these aspects of our personalities and psyches? To be true to ourselves don't we need to nurture all the facets of our personalities?

Shouldn't we all have the opportunity to experience the joy these bodies we were given can offer? Must we throw out the baby (eg the marriage)with the bathwater (that is, the sexless sex).

Is all this rationalization?

Anyone else feel like musing?


rm_Keystone3812 65M
583 posts
2/25/2006 4:41 am

What a provocative post......... I'm going to think about your post, I'll try to come up with a good comment. Thanks for posting.

nightis 52M

2/27/2006 7:13 am

I married a woman who was less than a tiger sexually thinking that we wold grow together as a sexual unit. I grew, desired so much more. She did not. Through two kids, it stayed the same...it wasn't that we had a sexless marriage...it was actually close to average but she never challenged me. She never said tie me up, or bend me over the pool table. So many times I wanted to put her on the counter in the morning as she was getting ready to leave for the day, but she always balked at they type of outlandish behavior. I wanted so badly to stray, find excitment. For a lot of unrelated reasons, she left in 2003 and I have been able to take better care of my sexual health. My mind is somewhat satisfied now. Sometimes I fear I am turning into a freak!

Another woman wrote me the other night and said that schools ought to tell kids not just about sex as a baby-making tool, but as a genuine human need; teach them how to orgasim and assign masterbation as homework. We are the only species where we can have sex as recreation! God I am glad we are human!

The bottom line is that we are all given values as youngsters. My ex-wife was taught that her dad looked forward to Saturday night. In my case, I believe every night should have potential for erotic sex of some kind. As humans, we have got to realize that sex is one of the greatest gifts possible if it is done with a combination of unselfishness, eroticsism, and creativity that is so deserves.

redmustang91 57M  
8559 posts
3/3/2006 9:48 am

I think five years as a stone was overdoing it. My wife was unresponsive for six months and now is semi responsive. I just decided that my life was too short to restrict my sex drive by her inhibitions and lack of interest. If she is not hungry I should starve? Whether long term a marriage can survive infideltiy is an experiment in process...

Boywantstoy 56M  

3/31/2006 11:56 am

It is a failure of our culture - a stygma from the specter of inherited Victorian repression brewed with a healthy does of jealousy - that prevents us from fulfilling perfectly healthy desires. The culture can, and does, change slowly. But jealousy will not. It is a complicated emotion, easily explained (biologically/anthropologically), but not easily faced.

Until relationship "contracts" are custom tailored to allow for "infidelity", most people in this country will be offered a choice: be less than human or hurt the one you love. Nice.

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