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Ms Occasionally (Updated 16/7/06)
Ms Occasionally (Updated 16/7/06)
One of the main problems with being polyamorous is time scheduling. Let's face it; there just aren't enough hours in the day to have multiple relationships with anyone, especially when it's me. As I don't do quick shags like dropping off a roll of film at a one-hour photo, meetups always require a lot more planning and dedication than most people care to put into things, much like getting time to communicate. But here's another "real world" tip: with a two year old, an allotment, a jewellry course and general day to day things, having time to chat comes rarely.
I am not the type of person to demand someone's undivided attention. As I've already got obligations elsewhere, I cannot dedicate myself completely to anyone else's time. This doesn't mean one can't have a good relationship with someone, but I won't be constantly in contact. Hence I call myself "Ms Occasionally." I have no issue with seeing a lover once a month, if not less. For some people, that fits as they have their own obligations (obligations, not "cheating schedule"), but it does mean taking some workaround.
Thus, here's a 101 guide for communication with yours truly, Ms Occasionally - and perhaps a hint for anyone else doing the poly thing and desperately trying to juggle time:
1) Know what you're getting into. If you're expecting a full time primary relationship you'll be disappointed. Ironically, people don't like to consider themselves "second best" but they're more than willing to find bits on the side and lie about it. If you think you're merely second best, you either don't understand poly or you're just not the type of person I'm looking for. This isn't a pecking order - but at the same time I am not leaving my life and family to go and run off with anyone I'm seeing. Keep expectations down - yet allow yourself to let your imagination run wild. It can be a lot more than just "friends with benefits".
2) Communication, no matter how infrequent, is key. I don't ask for emails every day, but if I haven't heard from someone in a week, I usually assume he isn't interested any more and they go off my radar until they can be fussed to contact me. For a site like this, I have loads of brilliant break-the-ice conversation and then I hear nothing afterwards; no follow-up, no email, zilch. I have thus taken the policy if someone doesn't at least try to keep in contact now and again, there's no interest, and I then turn to the next person in line. If you want it, impress me, gents.
3) Schedule well in advance. In my case, quite a bit in advance! Announcing you want to meet me on Saturday and it's already Wed doesn't work for me. I've got to clear with the ex-husband that he'll be around to take care of my son (and more often than not he isn't). I have to schedule my day right so I'm not too exhausted to actually go out, and then I have to get myself wherever is needed.
4) Overnights are often right out. Sorry, darlings, but I fear I deal with a very incapable ex-hubby when it comes to dealing with my son for prolonged periods of time. Me being out all night causes a panic, and unless I really want to have my cell phone ringing every half hour because he's desperate for me to be home, I must bid adieu in time enough to get home before the morning routine begins. Besides, I hate trying to sleep in a place I don't know. I like sleeping in my own bed, alone.
5) Make the best of the time. This actually should probably be number one, with a few stars and asteriks and some neon lighting. How about this? MAKE THE BEST OF THE TIME YOU HAVE. For some people this means one thing, and one thing only. For me, it means a hell of a lot more than that. Impress me, show me you have at least a modicum of interest. Learn my likes and dislikes, cater to the fantasy - I assure you I'll be doing the same. Make the time spent time to remember, and it will be all the more sweet. The perk of being Ms Occasionally is familiarity doesn't have time to breed contempt; the relationship is just new enough each time that I don't get overcomfortable. Thus, I'm always sharp and in role. I always try to look my best, and after such a while, the Bad Kitty has built up enough energy she's pacing to be let out. For you, that's usually a good thing.
See? Not that difficult really. Ms Occasionally allows you to have a bit more freedoms than you normally would if you can manage to get round the checks and balances. It can be quite rewarding, but requires forethought and at least some shred of interest and capability on my partner's part.
So...who wants a go?