You probably don't want to read this.  

rm_NWMNman7 34M
32 posts
12/24/2005 10:44 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

You probably don't want to read this.

So, if you don't want to read this, why am I writing it? Simply because noone else will listen. and even though I realize that noone here will either, I can imagine someone is.
So, I guess you can call me a scrooge, or asshole, or whatever you want. I'm just not feeling the christmas holiday. Honestly, I haven't for a few years. Why? I don't know for sure. I guess a lot of it has to do with being lonely. My sister sits with her husband, my brother sits with his wife, my mom and dad sit next to each other, and I sit on the floor by myself, because there aren't any chairs left, and because I have noone to sit next to. Is that a good enough reason to not be in the christmas spirit? probably not. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that my back is going to hurt for the next month because I'm being shipped out to the too short couch to sleep, although I can't go to sleep until everyone else has, which means about 3 in the morning. and I'll be woken up by the first person that gets up in the morning, which wil be about 6. but that's what happens to the single person that doesn't have an excuse to have a real bed.
so, why else might I not be happy this season? I really don't know. I find myself becoming more and more grouchy, wanting to interact less with people, wanting to spend more time sleeping, or reading.
There's really nothing I need this christmas in the way of gifts. and as far as giving gifts to others, I don't find christmas to be that special because I'm the type of guy that when I find something I think someone will like I get it for them, which leaves christmas shopping difficult, because I've already but people the things that I could give them for christmas.
So, tomorrow, even though I'll be faking a smile, and thanking everyone for their gifts, and saying you're welcome when they thank me, I really won't be very happy. I'll be wishing I was sleeping, or wishing I was at work, or wishing i as somewhere else. not because my family is so horrible, because they're not. it's not becuse I hate christmas, becuse I don't. I think it's mostly because seeing other people in love with their spouse makes me depressed. seeing other people happy depresses me. and no, I don't want to make other people miserable. I want them to be happy. I just don't want to be around them hen they are.
They say the suicide rate skyrockets during the holidays, but I know this to be false, it actually doesn't. But, I can understand how it could. If there were more people like me out there, it just might. but luckily, I don't think there's anyone else out there like me, and that's a benefit to the world. The world does not need more pessimistic people in the world who have pretty much given up on love because it has stabbed them in the back too often. It doen't need more people like me that see a pretty girl, one that I would love to hug, and just go out with, and immediately know that she will reject me if I bother to ask her. so, I don't ask her, I just count it as another rejection. I've begun to stop seeing the point of asking out a beeautiful girl. After too many rejections, I've come to believe that the girls that I really consider beautiful, will never date me. I don't know the exact number of girls I've asked out and been rejected by, but I can hazard a guess. I know it's above 50. These are just the girls that I thought were pretty, and interesting too, and they were single, but ust didn't want to go out with me. looking at the law of averages, or linear extrapolation, or whatever u might look at, I pretty much believe this trend is going to stay where it's at.
So, if I ever want to get married or date a girl, I'm going to have to lower my standards perhaps. and I'm sorry to anyone that might read this who thinks I'm offending her, I'm not trying to. I'm just stating my life experience. Everything in my life has led me to the belief that the girls that I find to be worth dating or getting to know in real life have always found me unworthy of getting to know.
So, these are my thoughts tonight, on the most major holiday of the year, a night when families get together to celebrate, couples show their love and devotion, and joy should be found everywhere, I'm here, alone in my room, because to be with my family in the living room will only depress me more. If you've read this far, I'm sorry for takin up your time, or depressing you, or having any other negative influence on your mood or life. If you do come away from this with anything, please let it be this: I am not poor, I hve most every material thing I need, or want, but am by no means rich. I would much rather be living in a tiny apartment, with a 6 inch tall tree, eating someting out of a can for christmas dinner, if I had one person that would hug me, tell me she loved me more than anything in the world, and I could believe her and tell her the same thing back. If you have that one person, don't mess it up. no job will ever be worth not spending time with her. If you have that one person, but decide you don't get enough sex so are on here looking, use your hand. don't let physcal pleasure mess up the reltionship with the person you love. I would rather be celibate for the rest of my life and be with HER than have mind blowing sex every night with a supermodel I didn't love. Don't mess it up.
I once had what I wanted. I don't know why I lost it, she just decided to leave and gave no reason. My life has felt worthless since then. I would give up everything I own, if she were here by my side. but, she's not, and there's nothing I can do about it anymore. Maybe I screwed up, but I don't even know that. All I know is what I told you above. Please value what is important, don't turn into a grumpy old man of 23 like me. And while I don't want to be around those of you that are happy, and full of love, I want you to still be happy, and look at each other with the same look as when u first said "I love you." I wish you to always have that look, and that feeling, until the day you take your last breath.
I really didn't mean for this post to be this depressing, but i needed to talk to someone. How sad is it that the only person I hae to talk to is my computer, on a website where an average of 4 peple from the entire world might read this, and noone will respond. Perhaps tonight will be different, but I don't expect so.

dawndirtymind 42F
370 posts
12/24/2005 11:41 pm

Sending you a BIG hug. Looks like you could use one right about now. Hang in there, you'll find someone.

rm_goddess1946 106F
13518 posts
12/24/2005 11:46 pm

Get enthusiastic about living life full out with the guy that
looks back at you in the mirror and your will be surprised
what kind of wonderful people you will attract into your life.

You could start with tomorrow no matter how you are *feeling*.

Start by loving YOURself...............dare ya.
Merry Christmas! {=}

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

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