Testing the Anniversary present  

rm_Michael6686 49M
15 posts
3/10/2006 1:51 pm

Last Read:
11/11/2007 9:26 pm

Testing the Anniversary present

Again, some of this stuff I just can't make up, but I think you'll enjoy this one as well.

This was submitted by a guy who bought a "pocket Taser", for his
wife for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt
all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for
the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it
is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return.

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
3/10/2006 2:06 pm

ROFLMAO!!! That has to be the funniest story I've heard in a long time. And leave it up to a MAN to have to test something like that on himself! You have made me laugh so hard....I need to find a tissue to wipe the tears away!

rm_Michael6686 49M

3/10/2006 2:23 pm

BTW, "Don't try this at home!"

Happytails2u 51M/55F

3/10/2006 2:45 pm

God, What a mental picture you painted. When I do another one of my ( I can't believe I JUST DID THAT!!!) Moments, feeling entirely BLONDE, I will think of this story.

Thank you.........ROFLMAO!!!!

Happytales 2 u!!!! (Female half)

saddletrampsk 54F

3/10/2006 3:00 pm

I zapped myself with our electtic big zapper to see what it was like..not like your tazer but damn it hurt..what a jolt

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