On a serious note...  

rm_MariGrrl 39F
2485 posts
4/13/2006 2:59 pm

Last Read:
5/26/2006 12:59 pm

On a serious note...

Recently, I have come across several blogs with posts relating to sexual abuse. This doesn't really shock me because this is such a widespread epidemic. The last one I read brought tears to my eyes. It was so candid and straightforward. I am so glad that this is a subject many of us no longer feel the need to hide in shame. In the spirit of sharing and moving on I have decided to share my story.

From a very early age, as far back as I can remember, I was sexually abused. This continued throughout much of my childhood. When the abuse finally came to an end (he was imprisoned for molesting another child) I put it out of my mind. The confusion and pain was overwhelming and I never told a soul.

I was a good girl, a great student, and had a promising life ahead of me. I got good grades, was in all honors classes, and ranked in the top 1% nationwide with my test scores. Then, something changed. All the pain I had buried for so long came rushing to the surface. I acted out in every way I could (except sexually, I was a virgin until I met my first husband). I cut class, started smoking, drinking, and smoking pot. I mouthed off to anyone that crossed me. If they dared take a swing at me, I swung back. I was suspended several times. All the while the nightmares of my past came back to haunt me.

One day I broke down. I can't really explain it, but everything began to make sense. Memories came back to me. Flashes of things that I was too ashamed to admit even to myself. My friends noticed something was different, but I couldn't find the words to tell them what it was.

I tried to confide in one friend and was met with, "Well why didn't you just tell someone?" Well, fuck, lets see because I was a terrified little girl? Or, maybe because I was afraid he would follow through on his promise and kill my mom if I told? It took a long time, but, I once again got up the courage to talk to another friend. She wrapped her arms around me and we cried for what must have been hours. She confided in me that she had been molested too and said she would help me get through this, I wasn't alone any more. She took me to the high school counselor that had helped her. There I discovered that my school had a support group for survivors of sexual abuse.

(on a side note: For those of you unfamiliar the term victim is intentionally not used when referring to those who have been molested or otherwise abused. It gives power to the attacker. I am not a victim, I survived and continue to. The power is mine now. I know that might sound like some self-help psycho babble, but words have power. Sometimes merely refusing to label myself a victim gave me the strength to go on.)

I also discovered the mandatory reporter law. Because I was a minor, my counselor was required by law to notify the authorities and my parents. No charges were ever filed, cases that many years old are too difficult to get a conviction on. He is now serving the equivalent of life in prison for his many other crimes.

That brought up my next issue to deal with. My mother's choice not to believe me. She couldn't understand how this could have happened and yet she was unaware. I realize now the enormous guilt she must have felt. Back, then all I felt was rage.

One thing that did help me get through my day to day life was my schools support group. I was shocked to discover that many of the members of that group were long-time friends of mine. I never knew. I always thought I was alone in this.

Although it did help having them to support me my behavior continued to worsen. I was suspended once again. Problems with my mother also got worse. It got to be too much and so I ran.

I tried to run from my life and the pain. But, it wasn't back home. I took it with me from house to house. I carried it with me as I hid out from the police searching for their lost girl.

That lasted maybe a month, then one of my friends from the support group got in contact with me and passed on a message from that school counselor. Thanks to her arrangements were made for me to turn myself in to child services.

I was returned to my home, assigned a counselor, and a social worker and left to sort out the mess my life had become. Although they all meant well, it would take a lot more than that for me too accept what had happened.

I have done a lot of research and soul searching. I've found peace. I've learned to love myself and be proud of who I am. I've learned that reaching out to someone in need is what makes ones life valuable. I will never forget the people that saw through the bitterness and rebellion and touched my heart. The people that didn't give up on me and refused to let me give up on myself.

I still have those haunted dreams sometimes, and trust is still something I don't easily give away. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But, in the dead of the night, can I trust they'll still be there. In every relationship I've ever been in, I hear that whisper echoing, "Would he still love me if he knew I was broken?"

I know I'm not broken. I believe in my inner strength. But, we can't always stop those doubts that sneak up on us.

Well, if you stuck with me this far I thank you. I'm not sure how many would actually be willing to wade through all of this. But, I have to say it felt good to get it out. And thank you to those women who have come forward in the blogs I read. You have all touched and inspired me more than you know.

I'm not going to list the women who's stories I've discovered. Instead I will leave it up to them. If you would like to leave a link to your blog please feel free.


readytolay_3
(What the fuck is this shit..?? *rolls eyes*)
105F

4/13/2006 5:12 pm

Damn it you went and made me cry, seems that no matter how much you Heal it always touches you DEEP when you hear of others who have endured the same shit you have...For me I never forgot what had happened and it went on till I was old enough to tell the gutless baster NO, NOT ANY MORE..Like you my school work went into the shitter and I too thought I was the only one, till high school and found out many of us where SURVIVES, there were no support groups for this when I was in High school, but we all just came together one day in smokers bathroom and had our selves a good Cry Jam, after that we just would support each other and let others know YOU NOT ALONE...Ready

Ready


curvymeli 39F

4/14/2006 5:51 am

Most people don't realise how much sexual abuse goes in the lives of little girls. For years I was molested by my peers on the SCHOOL BUS. I felt powerless and small about it, and turned it around by getting in control of my sexuality very early. But it still haunts me, too.
You're both courageous to write about it on your blogs. I don't know if I will be able to do that.

Meli


readytolay_3
(What the fuck is this shit..?? *rolls eyes*)
105F

4/14/2006 6:36 am

Hey Grrl, is it not a trip that what can speak of these things on a sex site..??.. and receive such support..??..mzhunyhole post fed that fire and it has cascaded into a release for us..I luv Blogville...Ready

Ready


p33c3y0 42M

4/14/2006 8:08 am

so ... the only thing i feel i have the *capacity* to say is (i can't pretend to comprehend, my life is charmed) ... just. it's okay to be broken. we're all broken in our way.


savagemodel1899b 44M

4/14/2006 1:06 pm

Mari,

You have always been a wonderful person since I have known you. I will say this about you, You have the most inner strength I have ever seen in a woman. Point being it takes alot to open oneself up like this for everybody read into and in some cases judge you for what happened to you for which you at the time had little or no control over in life. I am glad that you have come to terms with your past and are figuring out ways to deal with it. This may not be the most prescribed method of therapy but from what I have read on the other comments ont hsi blog, it is a wonderful group of people who can and do support others very deeply. I pitty the fool who comes on here and posts something negative about such a truely deep and personal subject. I have nothing but the utmost respect for you and I applaud you for giving so much of yourself in a hope others will understand and feel your pain that you have held bottled up for so many years.

In and endstate, You are wonderful beautiful person no matter what may have happened in your past. The scares you have from that experience may always haunt you, but you have control over your future and the support from your friends will always be there when you need it most.

Luv's
The Savage


norprin5 55M

4/14/2006 4:20 pm

my childhood was like a religious version of Father Know's Best... i rebelled like hell against that for years and years

but i never had to deal with anything close to what you survived...

thanks for trusting us enough to share

King Nor XVIII


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