Dangerous Game with Emotions  

rm_MandiK2000 43F
3 posts
12/13/2005 1:11 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Dangerous Game with Emotions


Dangerous Game with Emotions

Story:

Balazs, with whom I’ve set up an interview after exchanging a few e-mails, tells a strange - almost unbelievable story. Perhaps if I did not see in his eyes and even motions that he is relieving the past, or feel in his voice the disappointment of a lover jaded, even I would not believe that all this had happened. He admits that I might judge him or laugh at him, but decides to share his secret. He is not revealing himself for the sake of attention, rather he would hope that others learn from his experience and donut fall into an emotional trap of falling madly in love with a woman who does not exist.

Balazs, you never actually met Helga, never touched her or heard her voice. Tell me, was it really love? Are you certain?

Believe me, I've experienced such deep feelings that I've not felt since my teen years. She moved into my life and everything changed. She turned my customary existence upside down. Once again I began to care about myself, my desire for life returned and began going to the gym, went to discos and lost about 10 kg. I devoured her messages, woke at the crack of dawn each day to have time to respond. I received over one hundred letters and I wrote her twice that many. Emotionally I was preparing for the personal meeting. Our relationship was passionate, we cared about each other in every way ‒ don't laugh, we even made love several times through e-mail.

How did your relationship begin and how long did it last?

Our correspondence began with the customary getting to know each other, but then became more intimate and intense. I felt that I became a part of her life, I was familiar with the slightest changes of her mood; there was no topic we had not discussed to the smallest detail. There was true love between us both - or at least, like a fool I thought so. Today I realize that I was merely the victim of somebody's fantasy.

What was it that first made you suspicious?

There was a mysterious message on my recorder that made me think, and then the pictures Helga sent of herself also posed some questions in my mind. They seemed posed and nothing could be depicted of the surroundings. She was beautiful on them, but she did not strike me as a sweet girl, an amateur in front of the camera. The pictures suggested quite a different mood. There was something about the Love Story column I read in "Internet Kalauz" which made me realize that I must investigate what is behind my suspicions.

That is when you began to check around? How did you do it exactly?

Using the little information I had of the girl I've tried several search engines, then by using her picture. Initially, I've found nothing but then to my great surprise I've found a web page where Helga smiled back at me ‒ only under a different name. Like a man possessed I began to look through all the details of the web page. It contained intimate photos of a model named Claudia, but provided no meaningful information about her. I've tried to establish contact with her by the e-mail address provided on the page ‒ but it was not successful.

This was proof to you that your correspondence partner was lying to you. What happened after this?

In a somewhat mysterious letter I've let her know that I've found Claudia. This, of course, shook our relationship significantly. After some storms we've survived, we decided to continue ‒ basically, because I could not face being without her. I loved Helga and the feeling I had thinking she was mine.

I would think your suspicions did not vanish. Didn't you try to find certainty in some way?

Yes, of course. In fact, I was somewhat obsessed. Under a new name I've opened a mail box and placed an ad in the personals. Just as I've expected, it was not long before my ‘sweetheart’ showed up on the ‘hook’. There were several letters that I've recognized by the style to be my Helga's, although they were written under the names of several different girls. I was beginning to comprehend that I was dealing with a many faced, habitual liar who was able to convince me of her lies. Emotionally she had me, I was in pieces. I was not her only victim ‒ there were 5 names that I knew of concretely, under which she advertised, corresponded, lied and cheated without any inhibition.

How would you characterize her? How do you envision someone who penned letters that had such an impact on you?

There is a great possibility that the individual is a Hungarian male, with a rich and vivid imagination. Her letters are proof of that. She was able to represent herself as several characters without flaw in the story line. To add some color to our relationship, she's invented trips she'd go on, for instance, one time to Hamburg saying she would not be able to write. A few days later she'd contact me as if she were her girlfriend Kriszti, saying she is watering the plants and feeding the parrot at Helga's house during her absence. She'd made a pass at me and I was game to flirt with her. When Helga returned, she made me feel guilty for being unfaithful to her. She had the uncanny ability to pass off her inventions as reality.

What do you think motivated her?

I've thought about that myself, but I don't have an answer. Maybe it was just sport, although after all that happened between us I find that hard to believe.

Looking back, do you know what kind of mistakes you've made during the relationship?

I should not have taken so seriously anyone with a hotmail address. I realize now that these free servers allow anyone to open several accounts under different names and can create as many identities as the imagination will allow ‒ all without any consequence.

I think there is something else you need to tell us in order to complete your story. Why did you yourself, have to hide behind a hotmail address when you have a paid subscription that provides you with a legitimate address?

I can't throw stones at anyone since I was no different from the one that fooled me in this way. I've long fantasized about two women having an intimate relationship, and I've placed an ad as Klara, a lesbian girl. This is how I've first got in touch with Helga. What is truly bizarre that during this sensuous acquaintance my male side became dominant and and I fell passionately in love with Helga. Helga who does not exist and the pictures of her really show a mysterious model named Claudia and whose letters were potentially written by a maniac, a stranger who thought of this as entertainment.

Why did you want to go public with your story?

I was crazy and blind and there will be those who'll judge me and not understand how I could get to this level. I think I've learned from the events and for this reason I thought perhaps telling it will be helpful to others. Primarily I would like to caution those who like me, naively throw themselves into the social life of the world wide web assuming that with the anonymity it provides - nothing is forbidden. That is not so, it is never acceptable to play with the emotions of others, under any circumstances.

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