Democracy for sale - it's OUR FAULT
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Posted:Jan 9, 2008 11:48 pm
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2011 1:22 am
8042 Views
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Everybody complains about the fact that the 'special interests' have a huge say in what happens in this country. Those gripes are especially common among Democrats, although some prominent GOP candidates have been heard to say something about money and politics (namely: McCain, co-author of the ''McCain-Feingold'' campaign reform bill).
I think that the 'special interests' do have a powerful position - especially when it comes to the tax code - but also when we're trying to solve ''big problems'' such as social security, health ins., immigration, etc.
Most American voters are fairly committed to one party or another. But since we're about evenly divided, a small fraction of swing voters tend to make the difference in both Presidential elections, as well as in 'purple states.'
Some of these 'swing voters' are genuinely independent - they do their best to stay informed, and find themselves in sympathy with both parties on certain policies, and opposed to one party or the other on additional issues.
But many voters who 'swing' American elections (especially national general elections) are those who vote based on the last, worst, negative television ad that they've seen. Or the most derisive, belittling description of a candidate that they've heard. They don't vote for anything, but against something. (These are the folks who bought the big lie that Iraq attacked the U.S. on 9/11. Who cares what the 9/11 Commission said?)
It wouldn't take a whole lot of time for all of us to either stay away from the polls, or practice the Civic Duty that so many brave troops have died for ... namely, to inform ourselves on the issues, by using independent sources, such as C-Span, etc.
There are millions of 'swing voters' in the country who justify the paychecks of political consultants, and Washington lobbyists (again: I'm not talking about all ''swing voters,'' just the ignorant ones).
It's not the 'special interests' who threaten the vitality of our democracy. It's intellectually-lazy people who let their emotions rule their rationality, and who have the temerity to show up at the polls, and choose based on their TV-nurtured biases. They don't have a clue about the issues: their concept of elections was shaped in high school, when they voted for Homecoming Court.
That said, this is the very mixture of capitalism and democracy envisioned by the Founders. The Founders saw democracy as a mechanism for electing the institutions that would allow economic interests to settle their differences within a Constitutional framework (as opposed to by force).
That's why the Founders designed the U.S. Senate to be a body elected by the state legislatures, and felt that only (non-slave) male property holders should vote. The Founders were terrified of the ''tyranny of the majority.''
The irony here is that we have come full circle. Having given everyone the right to vote, and having done everything we can to enforce it, we are still left with a system in which money talks. And money talks only because there are a small number of us who refuse to listen to anything besides slick television advertisements, and who continue to behave in the polling booth as if they're still seventeen, and ''going with the flow.''
If this is in fact democracy for sale, we have only ourselves to blame. I'm sorry to say this, but the Founders would be cheering. We've decided to run our elections based on the most powerful economic interests. Marx would also be happy, as we dutifully elect the ''Executive Committee of the Bourgoisie.''
If you're not annoyed so far, let me add that Marx was not talking about ''small businesses,'' which he referred to as the petite bourgoisie. He was talking about the big industrialists - the major capitalists.
So next time you see someone who wants to vote, and who doesn't have a clue about the issues, or about what they actually think ... ask them to stay home on election day 
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Why I am NOT a Libertarian
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Posted:Sep 26, 2007 12:25 am
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2007 7:56 pm
7657 Views
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(I assume the software is automatically rejecting this. There isn't a thing in the world about it that violates the TOS.)
Why I am NOT a Libertarian
"Libertarians are simply Liberals, except that Libertarians have a proper grasp of economics."
--Anon
If we must deal in snappy slogans, I'd say that Libertarians are Liberals who misconstrue, misunderstand, or misunderestimate (sic.) the significance of Milton Friedman's notion of externalities.
To be specific, consider public education (in all its forms, including subsidized higher education and research) as a positive externality: the benefits to society are greater than the costs to the actors (parents, educational institutions). Therefore government should be in the "business" of financing public education with taxation - and regulating it via public standards.
If you think American aren't very well educated now, imagine living in a society where half the adults can't read or write a single word, because their parents couldn't afford to send them to school. That is the case in most Third World countries.
Democracy can't be very effective under such conditions, right? And would such a populace be attractive to high-tech employers? Hard to train employees who can't read.
A similar argument goes for transportation infrastructure. Toll roads might be acceptable as a way of financing large interstate
highways, or reducing urban congestion, but do you want to pay a nickel to go to the grocery store? (Actually the notion of general taxation represents a pretty good economy of scale in itself. Instead of having 50 different entities which might own the roads in your area, there are - at most - three. Turns out that the American transportation system was originally Balkanized by the free market 80 years ago, when it took Eisenhower several months to cross the country in a military convoy. That's one reason we have the US and interstate highway systems now.)
Worker, consumer, and environmental protection statutes deal with negative externalities, i.e. those activities whose costs are not borne by the actors. If an employee is exposed to dangerous working conditions or toxic chemicals on the job site, the employer might pocket a few extra bucks, but society will bear the costs of the worker's loss of a productive future. Not to mention the people who live near a polluting industrial plant -- never mind the human rights issues ... if they're too poor to sue, are we going to let them die of cancer without treatment? Let's not forget their who grow up with diminished mental capacity. (Incarceration isn't cheap: no nation can make a living off the "internal security economy." If you think police, prisons, and armed gaurds generate wealth, then I suggest you relocate to certain South American countries in which kidnapping is considered the norm.)
And no consumer can possibly get enough information to purchase the enormous myriad of products available on the market today ... information is itself a "transaction cost," which health and safety regulation spreads over the whole of society.
Exploding television sets? Food contaminated by pathogens? Um, well - as with transportation infrastructure - we tried addressing these problems without governmental action prior to the early 20th Century. (Lawsuits have been around since the founding of this country. By themselves, they weren't enough to make consumer products safe for the public.)
The market failed: Americans demanded safe working conditions, safe food and consumer products, clean water and air, toxic waste cleanups, etc. And for that reason, their confidence in the market and the society increased ... thus making them more willing to purchase products, change jobs, start businesses, or relocate to different parts of the country.
Their confidence was also bolstered by banking, securities, antitrust, and financial services regulation - all of which Libertarians oppose. (That's why most folks don't keep their life savings under their mattresses anymore!)
Don't care for unions? True, there's a lot not to like about their history. But look at the distribution of income before employees had the right to organize. Sure, it was illegal to hire gangs of thugs to beat up troublesome employees, but the local authorities were easy to bribe. Few societies with a highly-skewed income distribution have either an effective legal system, nor a genuinely functional democracy.
We're not talking socialism here. It's strict capitalist economics: costs; benefits; actors; and incentives.
I'll grant you that regulation costs money. Overzealous enforcement eventually ends up hurting the very folks whom it's designed to protect. But naked "robber baron" capitalism has never been successful in creating a consumer-based economy with a broad income distribution that supports the strong rule of law and democratic institutions which enable the free market most effectively.
Think of it like this: if you oppose socialism because all the wealth is in government hands, and therefore true democracy is impossible, then "naked capitalism" does the obverse - it puts all the power in the hands of a powerful oligarchy that ends up controlling the government and the market - both of which end up being UNfree as a result.
And without democracy and a robust rule of law, you can have neither civil liberties, nor a vibrant free market. In that sense, Libertarianism (like socialism) ultimately contains the "seeds of its own destruction." (Apologies to Hegel, but not Marx.)
Modern liberal democracies - with their concomittent, admittedly inefficient regulatory frameworks - operate like a fulcrum that balances the power of capital and government in a way that gives the people (as voters, workers, and consumers) their best chance to tip the scales.
In that sense, the vitality of the free market, the robust rule of law, and the strength of democracy itself are the ultimate "external benefits" of the very taxation, regulation, and other governmental activities so thoroughly detested by Libertarians.
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Giving oral to a man, vs. to a woman
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Posted:Jul 28, 2006 10:42 am
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2008 9:20 pm
8979 Views
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Having encountered at least one truly remarkable fellatrix in my lifetime, I think I'm ready to put forth an interesting - if controversial - idea.
The genders may have more similarities than differences when it comes to being orally pleased. For example ...
I think there's a good deal of underestimation when it comes to the "geographical territory" involved. Men and women are both incredibly sensitive in a large number of places near the goal. Just as men love to have their balls licked, as well as the areas underneath and behind their balls ... women get extremely excited by the attention paid to their inner thighs, their outer lips, and the fleshy creases and crevices near their pussies.
Too many men tend to just "stick their tongues in", just as too many women tend to focus exclusively on the shaft, or even the head. (Hey guys, get out that hair trimmers - works wonders down there!)
Everybody's different: it pays to "listen" with your sense of touch. Some women are more sensitive in their clits and on the area right behind their clits - just as some guys are more turned on by attention to their heads. But other men are more turned on by efforts made to engulf or otherwise "masturbate" the entire shaft.
Most women seem to like a guy to put as much of his nose and lips between their lips, just as most men tend to prefer deep throating. But it doesn't have to be the very first thing on the agenda.
Which brings me to another point. Tease, tease, tease! Unless your partner seems to want it, s/he might be somewhat less excited if s/he feels that your goal is to make them climax, ASAP. When I feel a woman masturbating my cock and going down on me as fast as possible, that says to me that she either thinks that I'll view her as a good lover if I climax ASAP, or that she just feels that she has to reciprocate and get it over with. Ugh. I'm most turned on when she takes her time, and relishes the experience, just as I savor the flow of fresh nectar from her garden, and delight in her uncontrollable squirming. Relax, you'll know when your partner is tired of being "teased" and can't hold back anymore! Better to take it "too" slow and easy, than to move too fast.
Last but not least ... saliva. Everyone likes a maximum of wetness. Men love the idea that a woman's mouth is very wet, and the feeling of her practically drooling on her balls. And guys ... holding her cum in your mouths (don't swallow it), mixing it with your saliva, and letting it dribble on her pussy is going to drive her wild. (Better yet, squirt it back into her, mmm. Or stop, and kiss her with it. She'll be happy to know you love her cum that much.)
What are your thoughts, on this most succulently-delicious question, mmm? 
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Smile (off-beat G-rated romance)
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Posted:Jul 17, 2006 11:36 pm
Last Updated:Jul 17, 2006 11:38 pm
8773 Views
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Mood: Spiritual (currently unsupported by this site.)
Smile
(My original work.)
"Would you like the jewelry gift-wrapped, Sir?"
"No thanks, I'll put it in that box."
I'd spent half the morning going around to various shops, trying to locate my objective. The specifications were precise: we engineers don't like to mess around with the parameters of female earlobes.
Turquoise it had to be. Posts weren't allowed, because she was on the phone for half the day and they'd become painful.
I'd chosen one of the intricately carved sandalwood receptacles on the shelf. Her girlfriends were always giving her small items, yet she never seemed to have enough space for them. Especially for earrings: the quintessential physical unit of emotional currency between women. Now it was my turn to trade denominations in the market of affections.
The woman smiled at me.
No: it wasn't the clerk who grinned. She clearly disapproved of my desire to combine Mexican jewelry and Indian carving. It was the woman next to me at the counter who'd offered an opposing opinion.
I ignored the snub of the seller with a stony stare, while begrudging my supporter with an equally wooden acknowledgment. Surely if I was doomed to mix cultures, materials, or even metaphors, it was no one's business.
I knew my Valentine's Day offerings wouldn't be relished. Just as I couldn't accept the smile, being too enmeshed in the quest for another.
So the favors would be unreturned.
One grin plus two gifts. Equals zero.
I trudged out of the store into the shadowy winter haze, wondering how I would get the subject of my affections to meet me--so I could yet again proffer my futile proof.
Seven years of marriage hadn't produced a meeting of the hearts. Nor a captive audience for the theater of togetherness. Obviously the blandishments were unlikely to have much effect.
So why was I doing it? We argued constantly, we fought endlessly. Over the slightest little thing. Making love didn't cure it, moving away didn't stop it, and yet even today we were oddly inseparable--like opponents in an ceaseless battle who couldn't end the conflict for fear of facing themselves, or anyone else. Cold war.
"Spare quarter for a vet. . . . SIR?"
I'll spare you the description of his appearance.
But I gave him the quarter anyway. Serving my country by murdering innocent people would've driven me crazy, too. There but for the grace of Providence went I.
I looked over at the Chicago Art Institute. So many hours of debating Wittgenstein with my friends from school--under the influence of Lake Shore Drive's crosstown traffic noise. Were we any wiser for our efforts?
Michigan avenue beckoned. It seemed feminine at that moment, with the optical illusion of distance forming the curve of the city as the endless blocks stretched before me.
The smiler seemed curved too. At least her face must have been round. It certainly was pleasant, sweet, and comforting. She didn't know why I'd bought the blandishments. She hadn't heard all the words that had been exchanged. Nor did she look like the sort of person who'd spent many of her college years dropping acid and going to museums.
Somehow she knew. She must have understood. She seemed to accept the taste I'd shown in selecting the items. And yet I'd been so cruel to ignore her. This juxtaposition bothered me immensely.
Why had she smiled at me--so freely, so easily, so unthinkingly? Could she have possibly expected anything in return? What on earth had motivated her? Was it my banal choice of gifts, or my unimaginative appearance, or perhaps my dreadfully commonplace mannerisms?
No, it couldn't be. No woman so attractive would be moved by anything or anyone so ordinary.
Hmm . . . well, to be honest, I don't know whether she was beautiful or not. I really can't remember exactly what she looked like.
And yet I couldn't forget her smile.
"Excuse me . . . SIR!"
I'll spare you the description.
I gave him the bag, pointed him to the shop, and waved the receipt in his face. He appeared as if he was more than capable of getting the money back--as well as genuinely in need of it.
The presents would never be presented.
Because I had the smile.
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Georgia (A BBW erotic interlude)
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Posted:Jul 17, 2006 1:36 pm
Last Updated:Aug 30, 2010 9:16 pm
9430 Views
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Georgia
(This is a naturalist BBW erotic interlude with no "vulgar" language. Sexual content is oral only. My original work.)
"Can you hand me the lotion, Dear? It's on the nightstand!"
Mark's eyes caressed her reflection in the mirror. Like the giant double-basses he so painstakingly constructed by hand, his wife of nearly three decades had soft skin which had become smoother with age and a deep voice that had grown mellower through the years.
Yet the instruments always remained the same size after they were built, whereas Georgia had expanded slowly until she was now in her late forties and fat as a cream puff.
As he palmed the full-size bottle of moisturizer he realized she could easily have gotten it herself. But Georgia was not generally given to such exertions. Once positioned, she preferred to stay put.
Mark glanced at their wedding photograph, realizing how much she resembled the giant oak that he would never cut down for wood. The tree had been young but still substantial enough to provide much cooling shade on their sunny wedding day. That was when he had resolved that it would stand alone as long as he lived, high on the cliff.
Her mother had told him then how delighted she was that Georgia had obtained such a "good catch" because she was "so fat." Yes indeed, she had been a little pudgy when they had gotten married--perhaps twenty pounds overweight by today's perverse standards--though fashionably plump by the norms of those times.
"Do you think Jeannie will be all right with David?"
Childbirth had made its changes and by the time their only had been born, Georgia had added another twenty pounds, only ten of which she would ever be able to take off.
"No Love, I'm sure they'll do fine. Remember David has lots of experience driving in the snow and there's only a few inches of it."
And then there had been the decades of dieting. She would lose five pounds after ten terrible weeks of carrot juice and green beans. Then she would gain them back along with a few more in a subsequent month of moderate indulgence.
Georgia would try the all-nut, the all-fruit, the all-meat, the all-cheese, or the all-pasta diets, one after the other, losing a few pounds and then reacquiring them with some extra to spare. As she became more curvaceous, the buttons' threads would become strained, her zippers and seams would grow tighter, while still more dresses, pants and belts filled their closet.
"Yes, but I heard that all the schools are going to be closed tomorrow."
By the time Jeannie's face and heart had broken out with the eruptions of adolescence, Georgia's body had changed completely from a Marilyn Monroe-like elegance to a rich luscious robustness.
Every spring her upper arms seemed to sprout from sleeveless blouses like the mushrooms bursting from the fallen trees in the forest. Though her legs had become substantial, her tummy was still not so prominent, and the frequency of the undulating haze of many summers' bright suns was matched by the dancing heartbeat of her full browned thighs that challenged the leggings of one pair of shorts after another.
"But that's due to the basketball finals--not snow--Dear!"
During next few years she tried exercise. For months at a time Georgia would go religiously every day for four hours--two before work and two afterwards--losing thirty or forty pounds and sometimes even her monthly cycle. But the pressure was too great, and he would always breathe a sigh of relief when she resumed a saner regimen.
It was then that she really started to fill out. If she left twenty pounds behind in three months at the gym she would gain twenty-five back in the next month. If her losses were thirty, she would later regain forty.
And then there was the one year in which she exercised continuously from September to May. Her stunning shedding of fifty-five pounds had been balanced by the slow return of her lust for life during the summer as she packed seventy back on during four months of barbecues, fish fries and camp-outs. Like the antlers of a mature buck, her love handles seemed to disappear and grew back again with the seasons, always larger and more finely rippled with age.
"I don't know why they always have to put the stupid zippers in the back--can you help me?"
He watched her rise to her full height, just a few inches shy of his own six foot frame. The round mirror seemed to broadcast her brightly-colored gown's effulgence into the empty night beyond their window, as if it were a lighthouse warning any strange vessels sailing on the snow to avoid the mansion built into the hill.
Most of the dancing shadows were created by the visual concerto of her complex curves and the shiny mirrorlike fragments embedded in the dress. There was no denying the effect of her lush hips on the shape of the shimmers. Despite her height, it seemed as if she had a very short back because of her buttocks. He could feel himself slowly stiffen as he gently pulled the zipper.
Only the slightest movement from Georgia was necessary to produce small arroyos in her back, like fissures of flowing lava from a volcanic explosion. Mark couldn't help running his fingers between the inviting rolls as he might stroke the strings on one of his instruments.
"Ohhh...that feels niiice!" Georgia intoned, regarding him directly for the first time since she had sat down at her dressing table. The layer of flesh on her back marbled into several striated rows as a result, like the notes of a complex slurred chord.
The zipper was now down to her girdle, which had become absolutely essential since her repeated cycles of heavy exercise and subsequent weight gain. In that period her abdominal muscles had grown and her once-svelte stomach had caught up with the rest of her. Mark knew that without the restraint, a jelly roll of soft dimpled tummy flesh would have descended lazily to the upper middle of her abundant thighs like this morning's clouds had settled upon the foggy winter horizon.
His eyes smiled directly into hers. He felt himself growing larger as his fingertips outlined the ripples emerging from her thick waist. Mark ran his tongue between her folds very slowly, gently teasing the depression in which her navel was buried. Then he kissed her small mouth, penetrating deeply with his long tongue. She responded with her own organ and languidly turned her girth towards him, as he reached for the slender bottle of scented oil.
Two minutes later a cloud of long dark hair was all that adorned the deep curves of her upper body. The sloping mass of two ripe breasts was distorted by the rise of her soft stomach, like fruit hanging from an imagined bush.
Mark applied handful after handful of the massage oil to the lip of her juicy belly that hung over her lap, making sure to slather a few errant droplets on her ample legs. He knew she wanted his large hands there--on the smooth creamy surfaces of her sensitive inner thighs--so she could squeeze them together as she became hotter and wetter. But not yet.
He repositioned her on the bed to his liking, as she closed richly lashed eyes in anticipation of her arpeggio. The urge to cover her with his moisture was overwhelming, and he engulfed a stockinged foot in his mouth as she squealed in delight. She was so delicious that he had no trouble drawing a fine, wet, bright line with his tongue up to the middle of her leg.
Mark licked the back of her knees as he squeezed a fatted calf with a soothing palmful of massage balm. Georgia knew the white thigh-high stockings she had worn to tease him would be ruined by the treatment. Yet the sensation of slippery oil being applied through the ultra-thin silken enclosure was too satisfying to protest.
It was only a matter of time before his patient tongue was working its way underneath the tight upper seam of the silk stockings. His lips whispered a series of minuets over Georgia's inner thighs as he allowed the odd jewel of glistening oil to flow onto the sensitive exposed flesh below her hot springs.
Georgia's warm breeze tickled the matured sapling of Mark's masculinity before she teased the poised nectar from its roundly-beveled crown. She could feel him spreading her own thick branches apart as the wetness of the oil mixed with his falling rain, lapping at the borders of her inner garden.
While she cradled his rootstock in her hand he was pushing, pulsing, and penetrating her bass clef with the triplets of his tongue. They both gasped together as she took him in her mouth while her lush swamp became overrun with his lips and his nose as she stiffened and moistened even more. Georgia's wetness flowed into him while their two mouths sang in one harmony, river merging with lake, as she shuddered in a crescendo of resonant joy.
As he greedily drank of her essence and squeezed her mountains between his fingers to heighten her climax, he felt his own explosion between her lips. A few seconds later she caressed his shrinking member with her smooth tongue and felt the last of his love squirting softly onto her dimpled check.
The branches of the huge oak that would never be made into an instrument creaked under the moonlight while the lovers licked each other's glistening faces clean.
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The Failed Politics of Collective Punishment
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Posted:Jul 16, 2006 12:52 pm
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2007 11:40 pm
9059 Views
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Now the Israelies are bombing the daylights out of Lebanon. Damage is estimated to be in the billions. That's a pretty tall order for a tiny country with less than 4 million people.
Think about that - a billion divided by 4 million is 250 bucks per capita, or around a thousand for every family of four! And we are talking billions. Worse, so far about 100 people have been killed, mostly civillians. (Including seven Canadians, by the way. Were they terrorists?) A comparable death toll in the States would be over seven thousand: more than twice that of 9/11.
The US media is full of reports about the rockets that Hezbollah has been launching into Israel. Fair enough, but is everyone in Lebanon responsible for that? This is not comparable to the situation in Bosnia or Kosovo, where Serbia was engaged in ethnic cleansing, with the support of most of its citizens. The government of Lebanon is weak, and doing its best to put a nation back together: one which was an international poster for a civil-war-ravaged disaster area less than two short decades ago. Even today, people sometimes say "like Beirut" to denote a city that is prone to all sorts of militia-related horrors.
And if the Israeli military couldn't clear out Hezbollah after 18 years of occupation ('82 - '00), what makes P.M. Olmert think that destruction of Lebanon's ports, bridges, airports, etc. is going to help the Lebanonese government get the job done in a few weeks or months? The real culprits in the most recent provocations are the governments of Iran and Syria, not the Lebanese people, who are not only not at fault - but disproportionately Christian and pro-Western to boot!
Historically, "collective punishment" has turned out badly for those who impose it. Didn't we all learn in school that the burdens imposed by the Treaty of Versailles paved the way for the rise of the Nazi Party in Germany? Have decades of collective punishment imposed on the Palestinians brought safety and security for Israel, or have they helped to bring Hamas into power? Are Mumbai (formerly Bombay) commuters any more secure as a result of the Indian gov'ts human rights violations in Kashmir? (These have been thoroughly documented by Amnesty Int'l and other organizations.) Did "making the rubble bounce" in Grozny, the capital of Chechnya, do anything for the safety of Moscovites or Beslan school ?
Collective punishment imposed by a government as a reponse to terrorism is no more effective than terrorism itself.
Are they the same things? (One often hears the prase "state terrorism" used.) We can debate that until the cows come home, but I really don't think it matters. What's important is that they both satisfy a desire for revenge, and pander to a basic bloodthirstiness that simply engenders even more horrors for innocent civillians - by exacerbating the cycle of senseless violence.
You'd think we'd have learned by now.
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Some suggestions for females (esp. UNattached) ISO (esp. UNattached) males
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Posted:Jul 10, 2006 1:09 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2009 7:13 pm
12987 Views
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Ten Steps towards Finding a Decent Man on this site (esp. for UNattached women who want UNattached men)
I. INTRODUCTION
a) Why I wrote this and whom it's for
Many of my pals on here are unattached women. I've heard them complain about the fact that they're not meeting the right men on this site. More can be done. I can't gaurantee that a good result will occur these procedures are followed, but I'll bet a lot more 'near misses' will happen. And in this context, one needs a lot of near misses to get a hit!
(Attached gals can still get some benefits from reading this, but in my experience most of them seem to have very little trouble finding what they want here.)
b) "But I don't WANT a husband! I just got rid of an obnoxious man!"
Virtually all of the single women I know on this site are either divorced, or have exited from live-in relationships.
No, you might not want another controlling beast hanging over your head ... but you do want an UNattached man, right?
Ah ha. So there must be some reason for that. Okay, even if you only want to go out on a date once a month, you still want a guy who can talk to you when you call, or who can sleep over if the occasion demands, right?
Whether you're looking for economic security, or you just want an occasional "booty call", the problems faced by UNattached women in search of UNattached men on this site are generally fairly similar. Please read on ...
c) This site looks like a candy store for women, but it isn't!
Just let the guys line themselves up, and pick 'em, right? (After all, you get gobs of mail.)
Nominally there are about ten to twelve registered males for every female. Actually if we count active members, it's probably more like twenty to one. And every woman who signs up on this site gets several emails the very first day. So it's natural to think that whatever you're doing is enough. Not so. Because if it were, there wouldn't be scads of very intelligent, nice-looking, and otherwise attractive unattached women who still don't have what they want, after many months or even more than a year. Complacency doesn't work. Passivity fails. Time for a new approach!
My analysis suggests that the very same reason why this site looks like such a good deal for women, is also the reason why unattached women don't get what they want here!
Here's why: first off, this site is one of the few large singles sites where attached men are allowed. So a huge majority of the men here are married or otherwise attached. If you're an UNattached woman looking for an UNattached man, the ratio is probably more like two or three men per woman. That's a lot less favorable, and it means that you greatly improve your odds by taking the initiative ... i.e. being more than merely passive.
Furthermore, the ratio of active male members to active female members is so extreme that lots of men just give up. Typically, men have to write twenty emails to get one reply.
And many of those replies come from women who aren't really interested, but who are either just trying to be polite, or who are looking at a dozen men at the same time. So from a man's point of view: 100 emails leads to one potential coffee date.
Does it surprise you that there are many nice men here who are basically hidden, because they've given up after writing 500 or 1,000 emails? And there are a lot of men here who calculate that since their probabilities are so low, they might was well just send out a 'dick pic' and say "Wanna **ck?" and just leave it at that. No effort is required, and they might get a positive response back one of these decades. That may be a more cost-effective approach than spending five minutes on a thoughtful email which only has a 5% chance of getting a response! The 'candy store' problem also has one other dreadful consequence that I'll discuss immediately below.
II. SIX BASIC RULES
1) Men don't need reminding about sex!
When women first sign up for this site, they mistakenly think that they're going to have to attract men, and besides - they're probably horny at that moment. So they choose a handle that reminds men of sex (for example, it includes words like 'sexy', 'horny', 'boobs' etc.). Bad idea. That will only encourage more "wanna f*ck" emails that you'll have to delete. This applies to your profile photo as well as to the contents of your profile. (In fact it might not even be such a bad idea to omit your bust size.)
2) Be rational - coldly so!
Whenever you feel yourself reacting to my suggestions by saying "Hrrrmph! I'm not gonna do that, why the heck should I have to?!" Or "Ewwwwe!" ... stop and think. Are you just "being a girl about it"? (I don't care for that expression, but I can't find a substitute, sorry!) Would you be satisfied with that kind of response in yourself in a professional context? What is your happiness, worth - anyway? Just because the situation involves romance and relationships doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't be rational. In fact, you're doing yourself a tremendous disservice by short-circuiting the logical part of your brain which does such a good job when you're at work!
3) Don't be scared of computers.
To really work the system here, you're going to need to understand: (a) how to handle friends lists, filter your email, and use the interest groups on this site; (b) how to install and configure the chat programs, so you can block people, and have the maximum amount of control and privacy; (c) how to install and get both a headset (microphone/earphones combination) and webcam working. Is fear of computers a valid reason to compromise happiness? If you have a tenth-grade education, you can figure out how to do all these things. If nec'y, contact your computer-savvy friends for help. There's just no excuse for not learning them, and you're hurting yourself if you don't.
4) Marketing should be your mantra!
I hear this all the time from both men and women ... they say "Well, if they really want to know, they can ask me!" Or "I know I'm worth getting to know, and a good person. Why can't they see that?" Sorry, but that's just not how things work on the internet. People have limited time and resources, and they can't read minds. And remember, men on this site are used to the fact that they have to send out 20 emails to get one reply. So your goal is to make them want to contact you!
5) Don't make generalizations, or assume that just because some men on this site are rude, that you must reduce your visibility in order to save yourself from their despicable behavior.
I hear this kinda stuff all the time, for example: "I don't want to get a chat program, because look how the guys chat in this site's chat rooms!" That's a self-defeating attitude: by not using the chat programs, you're depriving yourself of an excellent way to get acquainted with men who have already proven that they may be worth chatting with. (Let alone talking to them via voice over the 'net, without having to give them your phone number!) Another example: "If I put a photo on my profile, I'll get that many more 'wanna **k?' emails with d#ck pix!". I explain below how to deal with that (the 'Zepplin' trick). Remember what I said above about how this site appears to be a candy store for women, but actually isn't? That analysis applies here: because the male/female ratio is so skewed, women react emotionally to some men, and therefore end up drastically reducing their chances of meeting a guy who could make them happy! While those reactions are understandable from one point of view, they're very much against your self-interest. In effect, you're holding your own fulfillment hostage to the guys who send the d#ck pix with the "wanna f*ck?" emails. You're letting them win. A casual observer might therefore conclude that you must really like them, since you're letting them control your own ability to achieve happiness!
6) Your profile handle - avoid sex or references to your body (to RE-EMPHASIZE THIS POINT!)
You can do better than Boobs4U, HornyMama or any of that other stuff. Pick your favorite movie starlet's first name, or some heroine of yours. Choose something based on your location. Select a handle that reflects your favorite food. There are so many choices out there ... the only reason so many women on this site have overtly sexual handles is that they sign up when they're horny. The more your handle reflects eroticism or your body, the greater the likelihood that you'll have an email box full of 'd#ck pix' and "Wanna f*ck?" emails. Finally, I'd avoid things like Princess, Goddess etc., or anything that sounds too 'girly'. Go for simplicity: something that's easy to remember and which minimizes the liklihood of preconceived notions. You might also want to avoid underscores: these tend to confuse people who are new to computers. Finally, if you want to put your year of birth in, make sure you use a four-digit year. My handle is 'Rog58', and I greatly regret omitting the '19' ... I'm sure many internet newbies think I'm much older than I actually am.
III. 10 SUGGESTED STEPS
STEP ONE: Chat programs, and an extra email address
This site's built-in chat program stinks - it's slow, it's awkward, and it's nonstandard. Very few people use it, because they don't understand how to use the friends list features.
b) AOHell IM, Yah00, and M S N: they're all free, they're easy to install, and they're meant for people who are new to computers. And they are safe. No one is going to crawl through your monitor screen just because you're talking to them on one of these chat programs! Furthermore, no one can chat with you unless you consent (see immediately below). I can't tell you how many times I've heard irrational reactions from women who are terrified of using these, and it really does just make me want to scream. To repeat: it's not in your interest to be scared of computers!
c) Get extra chat handles for these chat programs and a web-based email address (e.g. from Yah00, exc!te, or whatever) that you use for this site only!
d) Learn how to 'hide', i.e. how to be invisible. Figure out how to block other users of the chat program. Figure out how to make sure that no one can add you to their friends list w/o your prior consent. Practice this with your trusted pals first. It's not hard at all!
STEP TWO: Stay on line, be visible, be willing to set up meeting times on-line
Be nice: don't chat with more than one person at a time, otherwise a nice guy might think that you're rude. Don't just abandon one person because someone more interesting comes on line, and don't talk on the phone while you chat. A decent man will expect you to treat him politely, right? (The most basic trick to use here is to be visible until someone interesting comes along. Then go invisible.) Also: don't be afraid of telling an interesting man when you might be available! I don't know why people think that just because this isn't a "professional" context, they have to be so completely casual, and just hang around, waiting just in case someone has to be on. As a man, I find it impossible to negotiate availability times with women, because women here have so many choices (and tend to be extremely timid). As a woman, however - you should find that most interestING and interestED men will be willing to meet you on line!
STEP THREE: Get a webcam, and a microphone headset (cost: about 30 US d0llars).
The webcam gives you the chance to see the person you're talking to. You can then verify for yourself that their photos and/or description of their physiques are accurate. The microphone lets you talk over the internet to people for free ... and most importantly, without having to give them your phone number! Remember: you have control - no one can view your webcam or talk to you, unless you consent.
STEP FOUR: Get a second profile (handle) on this site.
You can use your second profile to check out how others view you (and what they can see on your profile) and also for playing with the friends network. (Besides, you may already have an initial profile handle that references sex.) Your second profile will be the 'real you' (that's the one that you can convert to a gold membership - see below).
STEP FIVE: Make sure you have a good introduction title ('tag line'.
If you only want single men, say so! This will help cut down your email, and/or profile views. If you're a larger woman (BBW) or have any unusual attribute, put it there as well. It's a bad idea to mention sex, a body part, or anything else that will increase the number of "wanna f*ck?" emails that you get.
STEP SIX: Rewrite your profile text.
a) Rememeber that the first part ("describe yourself") is the only portion that will appear if you send out an email and check the box to attach your profile. The second ("ideal person") portion will not show up. So make sure that the first part is complete in itself: try to interleave your self-description into what you want in a man.
b) Do not mention sex unless you absolutely must have something in particular (e.g. BDSM, etc.). As I keep saying: men don't need to be reminded about sex!
c) Do a good job of writing it ... write clear, simple, interesting sentences. Be a little funny, use capital letters sparingly if at all for emphasis, and as far as possible, try not to let your profile deteriorate into a list of things you dislike. (No matter how tough life is for men on this site, many of the ones that you're interested in just might be turned off by a profile that explains how much you hate men who do or say thus-and-so. For one thing, it implies that you have a lot of 'baggage'.) If you aren't good at writing prose, find someone who does! Don't worry about the length: too long is better than too short. A genuinely interested man will read the whole thing.
d) The second part ("ideal person") should contain at least the following: (i) any requirements that you have for their profile (do you insist that the fill out their marital/attachment status and height, for example?); (ii) instructions for men who wish to contact you on AOHell IM, Yah00, or M S N (remember, if you set up the chat programs correctly, no one can contact you without your consent); (iii) no friends' lists requests on this site are to be approved unless they send an email first (I'll explain why shortly); (iv) the Zepplin trick: this means that the last line of that section says something like: ""Most men here don't read profiles. This means that we gals get a lot of ridicious emails. If you have read this profile in its entirety, and you'd like to get to know me, please put the word 'zepplin' in the subject line of your email. If I see an email without that word in the subject line, I will *automatically* delete it! Sorry, but that's the only way I can filter out the dozens of 'wanna **ck?' emails that I get from men who blindly send them out. I don't think it's too much to ask, do you? You will *NOT* get a reply unless you follow this instruction, sorry."
STEP SEVEN: Profile photos, and Friends' Network Albums
a) Have at least one decent photo - preferably two. Please, not of (most) body parts! A face pic with the eyes blacked out is better than nothing at all. If you can't bear to do anything else, get a photo of your forehead and eyes (this works quite well, I'm told ... thanks to the Sweetie Pie who introduced me to this trick!).
b) You can put your other photos in your network albums. For example, if you do have sexy pix, that's where they should go: remember only your friends can view these photos.
c) Cycle your profile photos (this gets you more attention). In other words, make your second profile photo your main photo every week or so (swap them). You may have to delete both and upload them again: the last time I checked, the page that allows you to rotate photos didn't work properly.
d) Use a splash of color! Look at the profile photos in the interest groups. Which ones catch your eye? Obviously, the ones with color. So try to wear something that has a color that contrasts nicely with your skin - primary colors like reds, dark greens, and blues work well.
STEP EIGHT: Learn how to use the friends' list and filter your email with your cupid settings
I'm not going to explain how to do these things, in case the layout of the site changes. However, most of the options for the friends network can be located by clicking Friends on the menu bar, and most of the options for email can be located by clicking on the email box icon on the upper right.
a) If nec'y, get a second handle to become familiar with friends' lists (AdultFriendFinder will allow multiple handles that are associated with different email addresses. If you don't know how to get a free web-based email account, please ask someone! It's easy, and safe. Consider yah00, excite, etc.)
b) Figure out how to create friends network album, and how to put photos in it. Trick: how to delete photos - you have to use the 'edit albums' option first.
c) Figure out how to view other members' friends network albums
STEP NINE: Get a gold membership and standard contacts for a month, and actually write to men.
a) Doing these things for a month will cost you about 30 US d0llars. So yes, I'm asking you to spend a grand total of 60 d0llars (including the web cam and microphone). I think your happiness is worth that, isn't it? (Compare to the cost of certain other singles sites where women get very little attention!)
b) Gold members can view anyone's profile, and write to anyone. They also have enhanced search options, for example: the ability to limit themselves to members who have signed in recently, and those who live within a certain geographical radius.
c) Standard contacts mean that anyone can view your profile and write to you. Most men who are serious about the site do eventually become gold or silver ... but remember that everyone initially signs up as standard members.
d) Remember, many of the men you want have probably given up - they may have written 100 emails, gotten 5 replies and only one from a woman that was actually interested in talking to them. It's an awful lot of effort for one contact, isn't it? How many times have they gone through this process? Maybe a few ... can you really blame them for quiting after writing 500 emails? You have to bridge the gap, if you want to even know that they are there! Keep in mind that any woman will get responses to at least half the emails she sends out (provided she limits herself to men who have logged in recently, say w/i the last 2 weeks).
STEP TEN: Post to the interest groups! Make yourself *visible*. This is much more valuable than chats.
I can't emphasize this enough. Don't just passively join them, or post dumb little "I'm horny tonight, I need some attention" posts. See if you can actually find something to say. You'd be amazed at how many responses you will get, beyond the usual "When can I **ck you?" drivel.
IV. WHAT TO LOOK FOR (AND NOT BE DECEIVED BY)
I don't know why people seem to emphasize things like movies, books, hobbies etc. Sure, they make great conversation topics, and I'm all for that. But one thing that many women fail to search for right off the bat is how a man talks about his prior relationships with other women, and/or his , parents, and so forth. This can be a critical indicator of how he might view you.
His occupation can be pitfall: men who work in certain 'caretaker' professions such as nursing or those who work with plants and animals aren't necessarily caring people. Be wary of making assumptions about that sort of thing. You should be equally wary of a guy who claims to have sufferred a major tragedy in his life. A lot of men will make up stories, for the sole purpose of gaining female sympathy. They know women are typically socialized to be caretakers.
How attentive is he and/or interested in you? No, I'm not asking whether he's always sending you sweet little missives, and/or e-cards, etc. I'm asking whether he's attentive to your life, and shows a genuine desire to get to know you. How long did it take him to ask you about your prior relationships? About your immediate family and/or your relationships with them (parents/siblings)? Or about your ?
Finally, if you're a larger woman (BBW), I strongly recommend that you seek out men who prefer this: if a man says he's indifferent, or enjoys women of all sizes, this may not be the best thing. The same may or may not go for other distinctive attributes.
V. SAFETY ADVICE FOR MEETING MEN.
There are two basic requirements for being safe on line: (i) make sure you have either a real name that you can independently verify or at least find a way to tie him to a business/professional license, or a home/business telephone number - i.e. a land line, not a cell phone or pay phone!; (ii) make sure that a friend knows who you're going to meet, and when to check back with you.
Some people only have cell phones, so the best way around this is to call them at work - even if they can't receive a telephone call there, there should be some way to verify that they actually do work there and to leave them a coded message that they will later report to you. (Such as "I have your Begonias".) If it's a home number and they can't talk to you on that number, you can at least arrange a time when they can answer the phone and you can say "Is Jack there?" and they can reply "No, Jim is not here." It's not a good idea to rely on Friend Finder, Inc's Confirm ID service. Anyone can send in a faked document - my sense is that they don't do a very good job of verification (since they don't have access to the required tools).
Just the fact that you are making an effort to verify his identity should be enough to deter anyone who might have bad intentions!
Final Version May 2 '05 - thanks to the reviewers!
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Suggestions for men on this site ISO females - esp. attached men
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Posted:Jul 10, 2006 9:41 am
Last Updated:Aug 30, 2010 9:17 pm
16858 Views
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ADVICE FOR MEN (ESP. ATTACHED MEN) WHO ARE LOOKING FOR WOMEN
It's easy to get discouraged on this site if you're a man ... I've met several good steady lovers over the years, but it's not unusual for me to wait many months for the next person after a breakup. I don't take it personally (and neither should you!).
Caveats: this text is full of generalizations which are based on my own experience. If you're female and unhappy that many of them don't apply to you, then I'm sorry about that - but I also can't help it In my defense, let me simply say that this is directed towards an average man who's interested in gaining the attentions and affections of an average woman. If you've got enough energy and interest to read this (instead of just passively monitoring your email box), then you probably aren't the average woman!
(By the way, Friend Finder recently installed some rather bizzare software that deals with "banned words". As a result, I've been forced to do some not-very-literate things with numbers in this blog/post.)
Last, but not least: this is a long blog/post, but it's long for a reason. If you're a man on this site who's looking for a woman, then you'd better either be a 6' 4" single Ivy league college student, a plastic surgeon, or someone who is genuinely interested in spending several hundred dollars and several hundred hours over a period of many months.
For most of us "mortal" males, success on this site requires time, cash, luck, dilligence, reflection, and determination. This is no place for the faint of heart. Buck up, soldier. HOO-RAH!!
PART I: the overwhelming odds against men on this site, and the basic passivity of women on this site
a) What are the true odds?
For a sobering "reality check," do the following: click on the browse link and take a look at the ratios.
Among registered members, there are approximately 10 times as many men looking for women as there are women looking for men. Among active members, this could be more like 25-1 (that's my theory). And if you're an attached guy, your odds are more like a 100-1. If a woman will consider an attached man, either she's primarily looking for on-line attention, or she'll be snapped up in a nanosecond.
If you're single, your ratio is probably more like 5-1, which is still not necessarily all that favorable. You might do better on a singles site. (But you have a chance here.)
Most women on the site get hundreds - if not thousands - of profile views every month. (A woman without a photo will typically get hundreds. A woman with a photo will often get thousands.)
Most men on the site with photos get a few dozen profile views every year. It's just how it works: the site is designed to encourage women to be passive, and men to be active.
The site screams "SEX!!" to get paying male members, but this reduces the number of female members. The marketing approach is to promise sex to men, thus encouraging men to pay - for the privilege of chasing a tiny pool of women. It's obviously an effective strategy.
Incidently ... it's a bad idea to become discouraged because a woman with an attractive photo tells you that she's had a thousand views in the last week. Many women assume that they are getting all those views because they're soo desireable. Unless a woman has been on the site for a while, she won't realize how it works. And many will complain to high heaven that they receive 'dick pix' from gobs of men, not realizing that you've haven't gotten a single unsolicited email for months.
Your job is to always be empathetic about this, and never show a speck of weakness. The fact that hardly any women ever view your profile is irrelevant, and shouldn't ever be mentioned. (Below, I'll have more to say about this point about NEVER displaying weakness or "baggage".)
Why am I telling you all this? Very few women understand what your situation is like. And unless/until you realize that they have a completely different experience here, you won't be able to deal with them effectively.
b) Geography and attachment status
As many people have said before: geography counts for a lot. If you live in a region of the country in which there are 10 thousand active male members and 400 active female members, then your chances of success are going to be much greater than they will be ... if those numbers are reduced by a factor of 10 or a hundred.
Or to put it another way, I'd rather be one of a million men chasing 40 thousand woman, than among a hundred men trying to get the attention of 4 women.
Also, being single doubles or trebles your chances. Most women on this site are now looking for traditional boyfriend/girlfriend situations - which makes sense, if you consider that their odds might be better here than on most singles sites.
c) Membership categories and standard contacts - what they mean
Standard members usually can't view other members' profiles (which also means that they can't send winks or friends list invitations, or emails).
Rumor has it that if you put a standard member on your hot list, then they can view your profile. I'm not so sure this is true. Standard members can also view others' profiles if they have enough "popularity points" ... which means they've received a certain number of views during the last few days.
However, since most women join as standard members and remain as standard members, they quickly get used to the fact that they receive email without making any effort to reach out to men.
For all practical purposes: as a man, you should assume that a woman will not view your profile ... although you should also be sure that it creates a good impression, just in case!
And no matter what, a standard member cannot see full-sized profile photos of other members, nor can a standard member see chat handles (e.g. yah00) of other members.
Although premium (gold/silver) members can view others' profiles, standard members can only view premium members' profiles if the premium member either has "standard contacts," or the standard member has enough "popularity points."
Some men will actually put "standard members can contact me!" in their introduction titles. I'm not sure how much good that does.
My own view is that "standard contacts" only make sense for men who run interest groups, or who do a lot of blogging. And neither of those activities are enough to overcome the intrinsic passivity of most women. As I keep saying: nearly all women just wait for men to come to them.
PART II: Psychology
a) Psychology - what you're looking for, and what does she (think) she wants?
Most guys on this site are looking for "no strings" sex, or a "friend with benefits." After all, if you guys were interested in an LTR, there are singles sites on the 'net where women outnumber men, and where women actually pay to join. This site is the exact opposite.
Nevertheless any woman who simply wants sex on this site (and who says so) will be overwhelmed with emails! It's just how the ratios play out.
More importantly: women have a hard time admitting that they're only looking for sex. You're dealing with decades of "nice girl" brainwashing. And I've known more than a few who seem to believe that they can leverage a sexual relationship into something more. (And they may be right.)
Ever heard the old adage that women trade physical for emotional intimacy, and that men trade emotional intimacy for physical intimacy?
No matter what you're looking for, you do need to stress that you're willing to spend time with a woman - whether that's in the form of 'dating' or just being a real friend, it's the same thing. Unless you're incredibly rich, and/or good-looking, very few women are going to want anonymous sex with you.
b) Psychology - humor and confidence (but no ego)
Find me a woman who says that she doesn't want a "sense of humor," and I'll swallow my monitor WHOLE. (Well, not really.)
Seriously, this is at least as common as "quiet nights at home" and "long walks on the beach." So you need to make it clear in your profile that you don't take yourself seriously. Some jokes at your own expense, some smileys ... these things go a long ways indeed!
Confidence is equally important. As a fan of Gary Larson's "The Far Side" ... let me remind you of a cartoon in which a is shown holding up what looks like a microphone, in the direction of a mail carrier.
The device is attached to a box, labelled Fear-O-Meter.
While some may be offended by this analogy, the point should be clear. Any man who expresses a lack of confidence in himself isn't going to do well on this site.
Yes, I realize that women are often stereotyped as "caretakers". But I don't believe that works well here.
We can get into some lengthy discussions about the contexts in which women tend to "take care" of men ... in my opinion, a man who presents himself as someone who needs caretaking is just not likely to get what he wants. Never show weakness, never display any form of "baggage".
At the same time, ego and a domineering nature are bad, too. If your profile contains any orders, then you're going to be a loser.
Think of it like landing a jet on an aircraft carrier, at night. (What straight man hasn't considered the difficulties there?)
You must "fly" within an extremely narrow margin, between too much confidence, and too little. Nobody ever said it was easy. Remember, you stand in a line with 40 other men, vying for the attention of a female. (Or more precisely, you're one of the 96% of active males on this site who are competing for the 4% active females.)
But remember my earlier point about ratios. If you can't land that jet on the aircraft carrier at night, there will probably be someone else who can. So it's time for the tough to get going - start thinking, and stop griping
c) Psychology - "A safe harbor!"
Women actively search for men who have proven themselves in prior relationships. There are many consequences of this basic point, but let me describe a couple important items.
First, women generally tend to place themselves in the position of other females. A wonderful (but now deceased) female friend of mine many years ago used to talk about "the great male club". What she meant by that statement is that males are extremely good at bonding, and defending each other "no matter what".
News flash: this behavior has been emulated by females in the modern era. Whether women are as good at "standing by their sisters" as men are at "standing by their brothers" ... well, that's another question.
But it's a sure bet that any guy who says something negative about any woman in his life is going to be rejected, out of hand on this site, by any woman who doesn't already know him!
Second, what women tend to search for from males is protection, and this might be true even if they're looking for "no strings".
So if you can get a photo of yourself in a "protective" position with someone who is completely unrecognizeable from the photo, that will get you a lot of points. (Babies work well, but you must "black out" all their body parts. Not even feet can show.)
Fond mention of your (grand-), etc. in your profile will also win you points.
It's usually a terrible idea to have a profile photo that shows you in an intimate situation with another woman. Most women will simply view her as a "competitor."
d) Psycology - "Liar, liar ... pants on fire!"
Women are sticklers for the truth. And it had better be the EXACT truth!
I once made the mistake of mentioning my numerical age in the text of my profile. Since my profile hadn't been changed in a year, the text said I was 43, when the site listed me as 44. I can only wonder how many women immediately dismissed me because of this incredibly minor difference. (If you're an employer looking through a stack of a thousand resumes, then tossing out one with a slight printer smudge isn't such a bad way to reduce the size of the pile!)
I wasn't even aware of this until someone graciously pointed it out to me, and said "Well, I thought you were just another one of those liars." (Where's the incentive to fib about being 43 instead of 44? *sigh*)
As with most things in this realm, we aren't talking rationality - but rather about a series of conditioned sensitivities. Women actively look for ways to catch men in lies, perhaps because many of them have either been on the giving or receiving end of these before.
For this reason, it's critical that you fill out every one of the questions in the profile. Leave something empty, and a woman may assume that you're trying to hide something.
e) Psychology subtleties - "little things", "fatalism", and "all about me"
Most women are socialized to believe that they aren't "in control". This leads to a point of view that emphasizes "fate". In other words, they believe that "things happen for a reason."
This stands in sharp contrast to the classical male view, which is: "Things happen because I might've been lucky and/or worked my tail off!" (LO
By the same token, most women do tend to prefer to meet a guy who wants to get to know them, and talk about them - instead of himself. That might make sense, to the extent that "attentiveness" in conversation, may translate to attentiveness in other areas. And keep in mind that most women with fathers are "Daddy's girls" (as it were). Those who have been on the site for a while can often be used to being "spoiled".
It's not clear how you might incorporate these points into the first half of your profile. (This is the only part that will be attached when you send out an email, and check the box to attach your profile.)
But it should be evident how crucial these items are, once you've established contact!
f) Psychology: saving the best for last - About sex (eroticism) ... and the importance of "teasing"
The trick here is balance. No woman on this site wants to meet a man who's afraid or uncertain about sex. "Mr. Rogers" isn't the preferred archetype. After all, women are socialized to believe that the man should be the "leader" in bed, but at the same time, they're also socialized to be "nice girls."
Nevertheless, women are also used to feeling like (and being addressed as) "blow up dolls". So we're back to the problem of "landing on an aircraft carrier at night." You have to discuss eroticism in your profile, but do your best not to call excessive attention to it!
The same goes with your photos: I often hear women say that they "don't mind" the equipment pix, but let's face it - you can't lose much by putting those in your friends' network albums for those who wish to see them ... but you can lose an awful lot by including them in your principal profile photos!
A good compromise is to have a "chest/face" picture. Another cute trick is to have a "butt shot" that shows your face (looking at the camera, from the side).
And finally: if you do make a contact, it's always better to err on the side of trying to get to know a woman as a person, as opposed to pushing the erotic aspects too quickly!
There's no "magic formula" here, but due to the extreme male/female ratios, as well as the contradictions which arise from the way in which women are socialized, you have to think carefully about your approach.
Women love to be "teased". They like hints, and subtlety. To them, that means you're going to take your time, in bed. Don't brag about your abilities ... but hint about how much you enjoy being with a woman. Few men can be subtle enough for a woman. And the more delicate you are, the more she may be inclined to drip ... er, drool
PART III: Sending emails, and your profile
Assuming that you've worked on your profile, your photos, and your approach in the best possible way ... what else can you do?
a) Don't make assumptions about her familiarity with you - she has a full email box full of "dick pix"
Don't assume that women read your profile or pay the slightest bit of attention to you, no matter what you do. I can't emphasize this enough: as a man, you must assume that you're always going to be overlooked, rather than being "looked over" - yet you must never act as if you know this, SOLDIER! (Apologies to Mae West.)
So you have to approach each woman with the understanding that she has no clue who you are, and is basically annoyed with the fact that you're filling her email box with "spam". You're worth no more than a commercial advertiser, as far as she's concerned. (How often do you read your "junk mail" ?)
Your job is to get her attention ... even though she's already annoyed by men on this site, in general.
b) Make sure that the first part of your profile includes everything that you wish to say
Friend Finder sends only the first part - 'Introduction text' - portion of your profile out, when you click on the box to include your profile in an email. Most of the women you email will never see the second half, because they probably won't bother to view your profile.
In my view, the best approach is to interleave, i.e. to mix statements about yourself with comments about what you might be looking for. The first half of your profile should definitely be "intriguing" but also not "too short". (Better if it's just a bit too long than a tad too short.) And do keep in mind all the points I made above, regarding psychology.
Remember, women tend not to view profiles, they wait for the men to come to them ... so she will probably never see the second half of your profile, or anything else that's not in your email!
c) Send out a lot of emails, don't expect many responses, and be sure to read her profile
Sure women don't pay any attention to men on this site or their profiles ... but that won't excuse you for not reading her profile extremely carefully, and sending her a witty email that incorporates some aspect of what she said! Remember, she gets dozens of emails every week (at least), most of which are 1-liner "can I **ck you" emails, with 'dick pix'. (Note: this can be a serious challenge, because many women don't feel the need to worry too much about writing profiles. Nor would you, if there were 25 active women on the site for every man.)
And if she has a nice photo, she might get dozens every day. I know gals who've gotten hundreds of emails a day! (Breast shots are known to produce such reflexive results.)
As a general rule, a man has to send out about 20 emails for each response.
Most of those responses aren't serious. So you have to assume that only 1 in 10 replies you get are from women who are interested in you. The rest are just because you tickled her fancy, and she just felt like responding, or maybe she was just feeling horny, or in need of attention that night. This means you have to send out several hundred emails before you get a coffee date. Sorry, but that's the way it is.
Remember, her email box is full of "dick pix" and 1-liner responses. And she probably isn't really sure about what she wants, anyway. (It's not her job to know what she wants, or to ask for it. She'll "know it when she sees it." Your job is to guess right.) All she knows is that she's getting tons of email and isn't sure what to do about that.
So success normally takes months of perseverence. Sometimes years. As I keep saying, you gotta be in this for the long haul.
Send out 10 or 20 emails a week for at least 6 months or so, and let me say again: no matter how good your emails are, and how excellent your photos and the first half of your profile is - only 1 woman in 10 who replies is actually serious about getting to know you.
This is true for reasons that aren't your fault, and which have nothing to do with you!
d) Make sure you have a premium membership, all the popular chat programs, a microphone, a cam, and Confirm ID.
Yes, we're talking some money here. But if you're a "camper" and you really want to get from here to there, then there's no substitute for all but standard contacts. (These are debateable, for reasons I mentioned before - namely: since virtually all women on the site behave in a completely passive way, they probably won't write to you even if you let them know that they can.)
If you have Confirm ID, be sure to mention it in the first half of your profile.
Remember, "safe" is the most important word that you can use when speaking to a woman. (About a third of women will be victims of abuse or violence over the course of their lives. And this isn't the same as being beaten up by the bully in the playground. Women have a lot of worries about physical/sexual violence, so it's critical that they have the greatest possible assurances in this arena!)
As a rule, women tend not to be terribly confident with computers. In my experience, they're often scared about the possibility that some of the obnoxious men on the site will "crawl through their monitor". I'm not sure if this fear is rational, but there are a lot of obnoxious men on the site!
Beyond that, if you want to convince a woman to chat with you on any of a number of popular chat programs, then you can't be surprised if she rejects you out of hand, on the grounds that she doesn't understand how they work ... and/or because she's frightened. I can't say this enough: Computers are often intimidating to most women, and they tend to be extremely timid when using them.
Incredible amounts of patience are often required, for that first chat.
You have to know what you're talking about, and gradually persuade her that she can 'safely' use a computer. The credits you accumulate during this endeavor will be useful, when/if you negotiate a lunch/coffee date!
Don't forget to mention your chat handles in your emails!
If you remain on-line, she may 'risk' contacting you, if she sees you on-line. Remember, she's scared. Because you're a man, and she's taking the initiative by contacting you (no matter how many emails you've written, in which you invite her to do so).
Finally: don't expect a woman to make an "appointment" with you, on-line. Women don't do that, because they never know what kind of a "mood" they'll be in. (Their own state of mind is simply another matter of "fate.")
If you're there when she is, she might initiate contact. That's all you can hope for.
e) Watch your cupid settings - they shouldn't exclude her!
In the unlikely event that a woman does view your profile, she'll probably be immediately turned off if she sees any red X's in the compatibility area. Remember, the slightest problem with a man will cool her enthusiasm, since she probably has so many choices.
Think of her like a prospective employer, who's confronted with a stack of resumes. She's looking for some way to make the pile smaller!
So be sure that your cupid settings are designed to exclude nobody, unless you're genuinely uninterested in them!.
f) Answer all the questions!
Remember what I said above about liars? (In the 'psychology' section.)
If you have anything in your profile that says prefer not to say, and she happens to read it, then you run the risk of being immediately written-off as a liar.
g) Put her on your 'hot' list, send her a wink, and send her a 'friends' list' invidation.
These are all good ways to attract attention! She may get a separate email about one or more of them, and she'll know you're interested.
She'll be flattered!
By the way, don't be surprised or offended if she doesn't accept your friends' list invitation. Either she doesn't know how to do it, or she's afraid of what other men will think.
h) Don't forget those face pictures in your email!
Women are tend to be interested in eyes. Make sure your email includes a face photo, with eyes. DO NOT include an 'equipment' photo in your email!
Let me emphasize that she probably will never view your profile, because she's a standard member, and may not even realize that she can! Besides, she can't possibly be bothered to view the profiles of every email she gets.
So all she's ever going to know about you consists of: the email you send; the photos you attach; and the first half of your profile (be sure to attach it!).
i) If you're going to participate in blogs, and/or the magazine, and/or interest groups, make sure your main profile pic looks good!
Preferably, it should show your eyes. But if not, consider showing some part of yourself other than your 'equipment.' Also, a splash of color may be helpful. And don't forget, she's probably a standard member, so she'll never be able to see more than the small-sized version of it (unless she bothers to read your email.)
PART IV: Let's get serious (in sum)
Okay, so now you realize that you'll have to write 20 emails for every reply, and probably hundreds to get a coffee date. You understand that women are completely passive, and are here to get "just the right email" from a guy who has read her profile, and says something that's sooo witty and interesting, that she just can't help but reply, because she's in that kind of a mood at the moment.
You know she's terrified of computers, has no clue how to work the chat programs, but is POTENTIALLY interested in someone who can teach her. As long as she's SAFE. But she can't often figure out who that is, since there are 25 active men on this site for every woman, and sometimes she gets so tired of email that she simply deletes them all, and moves on ... knowing that she'll get another zillion emails by the next day.
At some point, if you persist, do your homework, and never display either weakness nor baggage, you may be selected for attention. (Keep that image of landing the jet on the aircraft carrier at night in your mind! You have to fly right between the lights, and get the tail hooked!)
How can you maximize your chances of getting a response to your email?
* Be a gold member, and have a 'sexy' pic, which is going to be tasteful, but not an 'equipment' pic. (Don't forget the splash of color to draw in her eye!)
* Search at least 2-4 times a week. Sometimes, you can get a 'hit' with a new female member, who hasn't been overwhelmed with the 'dick pic' emails
* Participate in the magazine, interest groups, and blogs. Have something to say!
* Make sure your cupid settings exclude nobody! (Unless they're genuinely out, e.g. based on age or geographical distance, smoking, etc.
* Keep on writing those emails, but be sure that you've read her profile, and say something in that email to prove that you have!
* Remember that she can't see your profile, she can't see your chat handles, and she can't see your full-sized photos. Be sure that the first part of your profile contains everyting you want to say, attach it, and attach a face pic. DO NOT attach an 'equipment' photo!
* Keep in mind that the lack of response often only means that you're writing to a female standard member (and most women are standard members). So they can only reply to 10 emails a day. It isn't a reflection on you, nor on what you have to offer. Women with attractive photos get hundreds of emails every day. They can't possibly reply to them all, let alone read them all. Many times, they simply delete them wholesale, because they're tired of being the center of attention, just because they're female.
* Most women who sign up here aren't really serious. Either they did so because a friend urged them to do so, and/or because they were feeling horny some night, and/or because they were "just testing the waters." If they never return to view a box full of emails, that has no reflection at all upon the guys who wrote the emails! Such women are primarily motivated by, and driven by whims. (This may also be true of those who come back!)
* Whatever your experience, it almost certainly has nothing to do with you personally. For every 10 guys who follow all this advice, maybe 2 or 3 of them will find what they want. It's just how the ratios play out. There are many excellent men on this site who do everything right, but who get nowhere after many months, sometimes even years. (Their continued revenue is welcomed.)
* Don't rush her! After all, she has a zillion options, and gets gobs of email. Your job is to intrigue her, with your mastery of the "psychology" points that I mentioned above. It's always best to establish that initial contact, maintain it regularly, and slowwwly ratchet up the level of intensity, than it is to move too quickly! It can often take several email exchanges before the first on-line chat, hours of chatting before the first phone call (or voice conversation), and hours of voice conversations before the first coffee date. Women are inherently skittish, and paranoid - use your understanding of their psyches to your advantage, and be deliberate. Remember that old saying about in-person dating ... "If you're still talking about movies or world peace at 3AM, you're in!". (And if you don't know what I mean by that, then I suggest you think about it.)
PART V: Congratulations, Mr. "Top Gun" ... you landed the jet on the aircraft carrier at night: your first coffee date!
Okay, so you're now part of the very small percentage of men on this site who actually gets to meet a woman in person. If so, you're lucky, but you're probably also skillful! As the saying goes: "chance favors the prepared."
Here are some 'obvious' points:
* Grooming, GROOMING, and *G*R*O*O*M*I*N*G*!
Good grief, is there a woman on this planet who doesn't care about the way a man grooms himself? Get a good shave! Clip those nose hairs! If you're old enough to have hair in your ears, then do something about it! And make sure you're properly-dressed, and presentable. Etc., etc. Women spend their whole lives thinking about the tiniest details of their appearance. The least you can do, is to put in an hour!
And that applies to smell, as well. If you have any doubts, wear some cologne. Don't ask me what women like. For heaven's sakes, ask her. She'll note the fact that that you did!
* Let her know that you'll be there
It's okay to be a little late. (In fact, it might not be a bad thing to be a few minutes late, but only a few It will increase her anticipation, and might make her a little wetter than she wants to be, if you've done your job right, in other respects!
But for heaven's sakes, you should make contact with her on the day of the meeting, and reassure her that you will be there.
Women hate unreliable flakes (even flakey women do!). And if something really does come up, for heaven's sakes: she has to know ASAP. That's just good manners, right?
* Bring something!
Depending on the situation, a card and/or a rose will be just fine.
Remember, women are socialized to think "it's the thought that counts."
A man who fails to "think" on 10 occasions - but who provides a piece of expensive jewelry on 1 of them - will do worse than the guy who "thinks" on 5 of the 10 occasions, by offering some evidence of this ... even if it costs merely a pittance.
Women aren't generally interested in the amount of money, or the amount of trouble you went through. They just want to see the "thought".
* Be honest - before
Whatever your situation is, remember that women have a "6th sense" for liars. That doesn't give you license to display weakness or "baggage" ... these are still O-U-T, even if you have a coffee date. If you're not as good as you can be, she'll be able to find someone on this site who is.
But at the same time, don't brag, or overestimate your situation and/or experiences. Trust me, you'll be "busted" before you know it!
* Be honest - afterwards
For heaven's sakes, if you've found someone else, or you've changed your mind ... don't vanish! That's incredibly rude, and it will only encourage her to regard other guys with increased levels of suspicion. Both genders tend to be terrible at saying "Sorry, but I'm not interested" or "I've met someone else."
Remember: what goes around, comes around. If you can be decent under these circumstances, you might end up with an excellent friend. And this - in turn - may benefit you in ways that you can neither expect, nor imagine, at the time!
Final Version Jul 22 '05 - thanks to the reviewers!
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Talisman
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Posted:Jun 21, 2006 8:59 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2008 2:48 am
7514 Views
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It's my little blue folder. I like it. Quite a lot, actually.
I helped a few other folks get the same thing. (Legally.)
Smart people. Who are making a major contribution. They're probably doing more than me. (Taking home a good deal, LOL.)
But I don't care.
I know a lot more about what went into this little blue folder than they do - because I've spent some time studying its social, literary, economic, and political history.
When I return to the States, I enjoy waiting in the "other" line. Perhaps the exhiliration rubs off on me, by osmosis ...
Stamp! Stamp!!
It's my little blue folder.
It has the Eagle, in the middle. And on the top, it says:
It says that I'm a Citizen ... of the United States of America.
I'd die for that right, anytime.
| And I respect those who have. |
Thank you so much 
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To link to this blog (rm_Luv_PPPL) use [blog rm_Luv_PPPL] in your messages.
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