And now back to my lessons on "How Not to Get Laid in..." (vrat asked for it!)  

rm_LoyalCumpany 46M
2036 posts
5/22/2006 3:14 am

Last Read:
4/20/2008 1:33 am

And now back to my lessons on "How Not to Get Laid in..." (vrat asked for it!)

Welcome back, class! I'm sorry for the delay in our classes, I've been busy celebrating "Masturbation Month". Though for me, I tend to celebrate all year long and anywhere. Last week I ended up dehydrated and naked laying on a cot in a cell after "celebrating" at a Pussycat Dolls concert.

I hope you haven't forgotten our previous lessons. For a refresher, go here:

Lesson 4, "How Not to Get Laid in a Whorehouse"
Lesson 3: How to give flowers at the wrong time
Lesson 2. How to not get laid in a local bar
New course being offered! Accredited!!


Today we'll cover how not to get laid in a Catholic (or really, any) church. That is, assuming you're not a priest and don't have a fetish for the young boys, then you really shouldn't be in my class anyway.

One of the best ways to guarantee yourself to never getting laid by anyone in the congregation is to raise your hand during a service to ask a question. Some good questions are "Is it really true Jesus would lose in a cage fight to Satan, like in South Park?", or "If God is so great, why aren't there sports teams named after him, like the Indians have? Or even birds?" Then slip on your foam finger with the phrase "God is #1" painted on it and try to start a wave.

Another good trick is to start tearing the pages out of the Bible in front of you and eat them. Make sure you bring some Mad Dog 40/40 to wash it down.

You may also pick out one of the most attractive women in the church (bonus points if she's married, extra bonus points if she's devout). Say "Will you scream God's name or Jesus' name when you're having sex with me?" Might be worth the crucifixion you're bound to receive just to see her face.

Something else to try is to slip some dry ice into the holy water dish, and begin chanting Latin backwards. Guaranteed to earn you a quick trip out of the church.

And, if all else fails: Stagger in drunk for the first Sunday morning service, and begin a conversation with the woman seasted next to you. Tell her how you spent the whole night with some woman you just met on A.F.F. showing her how good your sperm tastes after drinking a 12 pack. Ask if she wants to find out too, as you still have plenty of beer and sperm in you to "squirt out enough to remove any taste of mouthwash from your pretty mouth".

These tips will lead to greater unsuccess with the opposite sex, and will allow you to pass my class with straight A's. Remember, do NOT try any of my suggestions until you have followed and studied the previous chapters. After all, we wouldn't want you to mistakenly have sex, would we?



I am JoJo the Circus Boy!


rm_gerson42 52M
2419 posts
5/22/2006 3:58 am

I am absolutely amazed. Should someone, out of the blue, given me the assignment to tie in a "How Not To Get Laid" lesson, masturbation month, an Exorcist moment and the taste of sperm after drinking a 12 pack, all in one complete packaged tied neatly with a bow... I would have passed. Your talent is unsurpassed. You are the teacher and I will have to settle for a C. Do you get to have sex if you get a C?
ger


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:18 pm:
You get a C for a reacharound. Sex means failure in my class, so choose wisely your actions, Pianoman.

dirtynastygirl2 54F

5/22/2006 9:17 am

Sperm squirting in mouths is all I saw. Damn it aroused again!
FUCK!!!!


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:21 pm:
Damn, DNG, if that's all I gotta do to get you aroused....

'scuse me, got some beer to go drink.

rm_mmmgoodnova 105M/105F
1259 posts
5/22/2006 10:48 am

Where were YOU in my life before I stopped going to church? At least I would have been entertained. Creeped out, but entertained.


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:21 pm:
Should I start my own church? "The Church of the Pathetically Celibate?"

waerlookin4fun 50M/46F

5/22/2006 12:34 pm

OMG, you are so funny.......dry ice in the holy water


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:23 pm:
It's even better if you do it right when the sun goes behind a cloud.

rm_saintlianna 45F
15466 posts
5/22/2006 1:07 pm

"After all, we wouldn't want you to mistakenly have sex, would we?"

Believe me, NOT gonna be a problem.

Where did you get that from, Marilyn Manson Dating Tips???


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:29 pm:
All my lessons are based on personal experience. What, do I look like I want to get laid?

concupiscentKid 40M

5/22/2006 1:50 pm

Holy shit!
What's gonna be on the final?


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:31 pm:
OH, you'll like the final.

If you're trying to remain celibate, that is.

sensually_4ever 42M/F

5/22/2006 3:04 pm

Another good trick is to start tearing the pages out of the Bible in front of you and eat them. Make sure you bring some Mad Dog 40/40 to wash it down



DO you know that I have such a visual imagination at times.. thought this Time I pic'ed me doing this??

LOL

Thanks for the hoots a hilarity

Sens


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:32 pm:
Ah, my class spammer is back.

The Mad Dog can be replaced with turpentine, for those who are really desperate not to get laid.

rm_1hotwahine 62F
21091 posts
5/22/2006 3:07 pm

What's next? How Not To Get Laid in the Hospital? At a Funeral? By Your Own Self?

Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:33 pm:
Already done the funeral thing. You must have transferred in after the first test?

MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
5/22/2006 4:01 pm

Now where are the tips for women? There are only so many times we can throw ourselves on the altar spread eagle screaming, "Fuck me, Jesus!" After a while, they either catch on that you're socially retarded, or they sic an exorcist after you.


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:34 pm:
All my tips can be used by women. Except for the semen thing, you might have to drink wine and wash yourself with beer...

Smooth_GaL 34F
424 posts
5/22/2006 7:41 pm

You got me at work and had some folks looking at me all weird for laughing in such a manner but couldn't help it you do crack me up

**Wonders what's the next lesson gonna be**

{=}Smooth{=}


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:35 pm:
Should never take my online classes at work. Someone might see you're trying to not get laid and help you cheat.

rm_wetfingeraz 53F
3012 posts
5/22/2006 8:08 pm

You forgot one; belching loudly after receiving communion, then going back for seconds. Or the ever popular; farting loudly during the post-communion contemplative prayer (when the church is all quiet.)

Hey! I can say this stuff, I did my time in Catholic school...


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:37 pm:
Past experiences in this class are worth extra credit. You're well on your way to your diploma.

jadedbabe78 105F

5/22/2006 11:21 pm

Ummm...errrr....shit....

I took a wrong turn somewhere....I was looking for Anger Management...


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/22/2006 11:42 pm:
Not sure if I could handle you in this class anyway. I'd be trying too hard to be successful.

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
5/23/2006 12:21 am

"Something else to try is to slip some dry ice into the holy water dish, and begin chanting Latin backwards..."

Ok, that sounds like way too much fun!


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/23/2006 3:40 am:
You don't want to try that. Hell, I'm betting if YOU didn't want to get laid, you'd have to seclude yourself deep in some abandoned mineshaft (yeah, I said shaft!) in the middle of the desert.

Or, you could always offer to shut me the hell up and ruin my goal of never getting laid. Either way, works for me.

sexymamma662003 31F

5/23/2006 7:13 am

very funny hun. but why is it that you know all this? you dont have a problem getting laid

~sexy~


rm_LoyalCumpany replies on 5/23/2006 9:17 am:
I don't have a problem getting laid? Since when?

What am I doing when I get drunk that I don't know about????

NassyFox 54F
37088 posts
4/20/2008 1:27 am

I'm not Catholic! Now what do I do? I can't not get not laid if I'm not going to a church! Not?


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