MMM.....Mental Mindfucking Myself  

rm_LostLilSoul 46F
373 posts
11/21/2005 11:42 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

MMM.....Mental Mindfucking Myself

You know after another weekend of sitting down in the basement,,alone most of the time, I realized I am really fucking myself out of alot of fun. I realize this but I am not sure how to change it. I get so many great emails from men (and the occasional woman) that I really would like to get to know but I dont pursue it because I feel like such a loser right now. I think "oh hes to good for me" or " why would anyone want me with all the baggage I seem to be carrying right now" I am not working,, so Im broke, I live in the basement of my mothers house, a son who disrespects me in front of anyone who is around me and I simply dont have anything to offer except me and Im always so uptight I have a terrible time just relaxing enough to smile!! I noticed that a few people misunderstood my blog I wrote awhile back about how nice the feeling is when your sore a couple of days after youve had great sex and thought I wrote that because I had actually gotten some, But really I havent, I was just giving all the men out there that leave their ladies sore with lust days later a pat on the back. I havent had sex in so long that I'll be like a nervous virgin when it does happen. I ache to be held , touched and kissed but Im soo down on myself and feel like such a loser that instead of taking any chances and risk getting rejected, I choose to sit here alone and reinforcing in my own mind that I am a loser and that I dont deserve a good man, Maybe thats why all the guys I have dated have ended up being losers, because I have convinced myself thats what I deserve. I hear I am a piece of shit all day long with all the things my son says and I have had alot of abusive men in my life and I am seeing how much it has changed how I see myself and what I think of myself and I actually am thinking Im to below a person that he wouldnt want me, Thats fucking crazy,,Why am I doing this to myself? I know I am letting this streak of bad luck and my no win situation get to me but until I started writting this , I truely didnt know realize how bad it really is. I used to be soo strong and soo full of self-confidence and never lacked self-esteem. I am soo tired of fighting and feeling like this. Where is my knight that seeks me out and takes me away from all this bad and teaches me to smile again? This cant last forever,, I tell myself this everyday,,,but I wonder sometimes if the effects will. Life has done nothing but beat on me for almost 3 years straight and its all coming to the final breaking point,,wish I knew how this will change, I am tired and alone but I havent given up hope ,, not yet,,but I really need to stop letting all the bad get to me or I'll never get back to being myself. I am being way to hard on myself,, Can anyone suggest ways to stop this behavior ,, Gezzz Im tired of fucking myself mentally and phyiscally,,Feeling like a loser really sucks!!! Hang in there with my depressed little ass,, something good have got to happen soon,,=o) Kissez and hugz ,, wish I could at least find me a bi-female who is as horny as I am to hang out with!!


rm_iastarsfan 54M
3 posts
11/21/2005 1:21 pm

Maybe I should share my happy pills with you? Sounds like you could use some. I always find when things are going bad and look to continue if I can just influence one good thing to happen maybe I can turn the streak around. Usually something simple (and most likely stupid by most accounts). Maybe write a friend I've been putting off or just polishing my shoes. Something positive. Its amazing the amount of things we can control and how we react once our mind is heading in the right direction.


satinsheetz 43M

11/21/2005 4:41 pm

Hey Girl, read some of your blogs and my 2 cents worth is this, don't feel like a loser and nothing to offer to that speical man/woman, you being yourself is the best thing in life to offer to someone. I have been in that situation broke off my ass, unwanted living arrangements, single, and lonely, one's mind can be the biggest devil. I sat at home, lonely, bored, broke, horny and it almost drove me insane! You do have some awesome qualities, you are a caring person most would ship thier mother to a nursing home, you do love your child and try to raise him and teach him the right path in life to follow, I know parents that just say fuck it hes 18 not my problem, you do have a great personality and a rockin body. Lifes a bitch, deals way to many bullshit cards, but one just has to try to think of the positive...Think about your emotions, feelings, out look on life after your cancer scare and how you probably was so greatful for the good things you have in life, put them feelings into each and everyday when bullshit pops up and starts to drag you down. Sitting home alone being lonely SUCKS, so DON'T do it!! I battled and still do a bit just urning for a woman to be in the house/bed/my touch/my voice...sitting at home all weekend wanting a man...or woman still not sure which side of the fence you prefer or want..lol but a person has to have reaction with the outter world wether its sexual, friends, family, going to grocery store...never know that "right one" might be n frozen section...who knows maybe they will wisk you and have fun with the popcicles...Take care, hold your head up.. you have quite the following off this website pulling for U, and wanting a chance to pull your hair or something..LOL


pussylicker6712 45M

11/21/2005 9:20 pm

Dear Lostlil: The other two that posted there comments hit it dead on. Things maybe going bad right now but they will get better you just have to believe in that. Trust me I also no this from experience. Just a couple of years ago I was where you are know. Broke no job had to move back home with my mom after my dad died becuz my brothers and sister did not want the burden of helping my mom out. So being the oldest I did plus losing my job made it pretty easy decision also.lol You do have a big following on here I have noticed people do care what happens weather you can believe it or not. Things can always change when you are not expecting maybe you will come across another guy who will make sure you don't leave anything behind and give you the best kiss you have ever experienced. Well I better quit boring you. Hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving and keep blogging. Peace out


cozy1957 59M

11/22/2005 11:58 pm

Get out of the basement and do something that makes you feel good and won't cause trouble. iastarfan is right, start with something simple and positive and then get bigger and better.

It isn't easy to start but you have to do it. Tell me you will, ok? Then tell me when you did it, whatever it was.

And be proud of whatever you do.


rm_luke69iner 48M
3275 posts
11/23/2005 2:15 am

These guys are giving you some good advice Lil. Take it one day at a time. Find someone positive that loves you for who you are.

You have so much to offer someone. You have the greatest treasure anyone can offer another person you have your love and time.

Just be careful of users that just want you for your body.

Best wishes for you

Luke


S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo
.
~Dante~


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